Find Me Again
by Books In the Blood
Summary: Rose uses the TARDIS' time vortex to destroy the Daleks on Satellite 5 but she's not unscathed. When Rose loses a signifigant portion of her memory, the Doctor uses his telepathic powers to help her regain the memory she has lost but they both find something more important along the way that they never expected to find. Some times the Doctor does do domestics...
1. Chapter 1

The Doctor's body was bristling with pain on every inch and it took all of his strength to drag Rose into the doors of the TARDIS and press the correct buttons to send them as far away from Satellite 5 as possible. Once the TARDIS was making its way safely to Earth, he fell to his knees beside Rose on the floor. His body gave a shudder of pain and he collapsed, withering on the ground beside Rose. She was still unconscious and even though he was nearly consumed with the pain he was feeling, he was more concerned with Rose. If he was hurting this much then he could only wonder what damage it might have done to her.

The Doctor curled on his side as a fresh wave of agony came over him. His vision blurred at the edges but somehow he was still conscious. At first he had thought that he was going to have to regenerate, but it seemed that his body was dealing with it in a different way. The energy from the TARDIS was making its way out of his body on its own but it was agonizingly painful. They had long since landed at the Powell estate but the Doctor lost track of how long he lay on the floor in pain. Eventually, slowly, it began to ebb away. As the pain faded, it left him feeling cold and aching like the remnants of a terrible sickness. Cold swear covered his body and he resisted the urge to vomit. His head was splitting open with terrible pain but he could only focus on one thing.

_Rose…._

The Doctor opened his eyes and rolled over, crawling towards Rose. She still appeared unconscious and the Doctor gave her a good shake. Nothing; he shook her harder and still nothing.

"Rose…..can you hear me?" the Doctor asked. The sick feeling in his stomach was increasing with every second that she was asleep. He wanted to know, wanted to believe that he had saved her in time. The time vortex that had been in Rose's head was never meant to be there; it was a miracle that she hadn't burned completely. But that didn't mean it hadn't caused her some damage. He hoped he pulled it out of her head in time but until she woke up he wouldn't know. The longer she stayed under, the more he worried.

The Doctor sat down on the floor, cradling Rose's head in his lap. He looked down at her, brushing her hair out of her face gently, tenderly. He was never this kind, this affectionate with her when she was awake to see it. Why? Why hadn't he been? As he looked down at the beautiful, wonderful, fantastic human, he knew the answer to that even though it seemed ridiculous.

He loved Rose; he had tried to ignore that for a long time but he couldn't any longer. When he had met Rose, he knew there was something different about her. When he had saved her from the Autons in that shop, he had told himself that he would not see her again. When he'd ended up at her flat, he told himself that would be it. Each time he saw her, he said it would be the last because she was starting to have an effect on him. When she had refused his invitation to come with him, he definitely told himself that was it. She didn't want to come with him…leave it alone. But he just couldn't; he never asked twice but this young, amazing, vibrant human had convinced him to ask twice. Ever since she had run into his arms that night she had had every part of his hearts. He would do anything for her, had already done so many things for her that he wouldn't do for anyone else. Every day he told himself that he didn't love her but it was a lie. He did love her; even though it was obvious she didn't return his feelings. Rose was beautiful and she attracted attention everywhere she went; though it hurt, more that he wanted to admit, he hated seeing the looks other men would give her and the ones that she gave them in response. But, to make her happy he had never even thought about keeping Mickey, Adam or Jack away from her, nor anyone else. She didn't share his feelings so the least that he could do was make her happy. He'd do anything to make her happy even if it had nothing to do with him.

Up until less than hour ago, he had never thought he was part of that happiness. It had nearly ripped out his hearts to send her away. He knew she would never go on her own and he couldn't bear the goodbye even if she had. He just wanted her safe. He had really believe that he was going to die and the comfort he had was that Rose would be safe, that she would continue to live and be fantastic. When she had come back, he was beyond words. She could have died, would have died if she hadn't done what she did. She had chosen to come back to him, to almost certain death rather than staying on Earth.

_I just want you safe…..my Doctor_

The words kept echoing in his head. He tried not to let his imagination get carried away from him and imagine that she might share some of his feelings but he would allow himself the dream that at the very least her feelings were greater than he imagined. He hoped he had the courage to tell her how he felt when she finally woke.

But until she actually did wake, all he could think about was worrying she wouldn't wake up. If she never woke up or she had been somehow hurt from this experience, he didn't think he could ever forgive himself. All he had been doing was trying to keep her safe and even in doing so she had gotten hurt.

The Doctor lost track of how long he had sat there; he was too concerned with watching the slow rise and fall of Rose's chest to assure himself that she was still alive. He knew it had been a long time, far too long for her to still be asleep. He could sense the vague feeling of turmoil and distress coming from Rose's mind; even though that was not comforting, at least it meant that she was not brain dead. The Doctor put his arms under her and scooped her into his arms, lifting her up. He was not sure what state she might wake up in and he wanted her to be in a familiar and comforting place. As much as he didn't relish the idea of Jackie's reaction to him walking in with Rose unconscious, it would be best for Rose to wake up in her own room with her mum around.

Rose stirred a little as he carried her to the building and up the stairs, the Doctor watching her every move and hoping that she would soon wake but she didn't. When he reached her flat he pounded his foot against the door, his hands too full with holding Rose to knock or reach his sonic. Jackie came to the door moments later and shock instantly registered on her face.

"Doctor! You're…" she said in surprise, her eyes widening. Then he eyes fell on Rose, unconscious in his arms. Concern, worry and slight hope came across her face. She must have thought Rose was surely going to her death when she left. Her face suggested that she still thought Rose might be dead or at least near death. "Rose…..what happened to Rose? Is she alright?"

Worry filled the Doctor but right at this moment he focused on pushing past Jackie and walking towards Rose's room. He was glad when to find the door open and he slipped in quickly, laying Rose down on her bed gently. Jackie was quick on his heels and was beside him before he had even finished sitting her down.

"Is she alright?" Jackie asked desperately as she looked down at her daughter.

The Doctor looked at Rose for a long time before he spoke; he was supposed to protect Rose. That was his job, that was his duty. If he couldn't protect anyone else, he had always made it his mission to save her. He had failed and if he thought about that too long the pain would overtake him. But with Rose asleep and Jackie looking at him for hope and good words, it was all he could think about.

"I don't know" the Doctor was ashamed to admit. "She looked into the time vortex of the TARDIS to return to me. Humans are never supposed to do that…..no one is" He didn't try to hide the sadness in his voice like he normally would have. What was the point?

"Well, what does that mean?" Jackie asked, her voice rising several octaves as her own panic began to overcome her.

"I don't know what it means…..I've never dealt with this before" the Doctor said vacantly, staring at Rose. As much knowledge as he had in the universe, it was all worthless at this point. None of it could help her right now.

"Is she going to be alright? Is she going to wake up?" Jackie asked, her voice rising to near hysteria now. She tugged on the Doctor's arm. "Doctor!? "

The Doctor whipped around so fast that Jackie hand fell off him. "I don't know! I just don't know!" he shouted at her, his voice cracking dangerously at the end. Jackie's fast twisted in despair before she turned away from him, sitting on the edge of Rose's bed.

"She was always supposed to come back to me" Jackie said so small it was a whisper as she watched her only child.

The Doctor felt his emotions seeking to overtake him and he breathed deeply through his nose to try and calm himself. Yelling at Jackie would do no good. It was just hard to be reminded that he hadn't protected her, that she might die because of him. He slumped into a chair next to Rose' bed, staring at her. "I never wanted anything like this to happen to her" he said, his own voice sounding far away. "I sent her away to protect her"

"I tried to stop her" Jackie said, almost as if to herself than the Doctor. "She wouldn't listen….she would have rather died than stay here without you."

The Doctor's stomach clenched at those words; why would Rose do that? Why would she throw away the normal life that she could have to come die with him? Deep down, the Doctor knew the answer to that even though he couldn't believe it.

_Oh Rose…please, oh please wake up, _the Doctor prayed silently to anything that could hear him.

….

The Doctor and Jackie sat near Rose's bed as the bright afternoon sun changed to low lying evening sun through her window. They didn't speak to each other, their entire focus on the girl on the bed. Occasionally one would slip out of the room, only to aimlessly pace the flat for a minute and return. There was nothing to be done that could distract them from what they were really thinking about.

The Doctor was stiff from sitting still so long in his chair and thinking about pacing the flat yet again when Rose began to roll around, muttering in her sleep. The Doctor and Jackie both sat up, craning their necks toward her, watching her every move. Hope soared inside the Doctor's hearts when he saw Rose's eyes flutter open before going closed again, gripping the sheets as she called out; in pain or fear, the Doctor couldn't tell. He longed to reach out toward her and comfort her but he left that to Jackie for now.

Jackie scooted closer to Rose, whose face was scrunched in pain. "Rose, sweetheart, I'm here" she said gently, taking her hand. "It's alright"

The Doctor stood as close to the bed as he could, watching Rose. Her eyes opened and looked at Jackie and the Doctor felt a smile spread across his face. She was awake! Rose was really awake…his limbs felt weak with relief.

Rose's eyes filled with panic as she looked around before her eyes finally fell on Jackie. "Mum?" she asked. Her voice was small and lost.

"Yes, yes, I'm right here" Jackie said, giving Rose a warm smile.

Rose still looked scared, rubbing her head with her free hand. "My….my head hurts…so bad" she said.

"Just lie down a minuet" Jackie encouraged, helping Rose lay back down. "Your head has taken a bit of a beating"

Rose reluctantly lay down, her eyes on Jackie. She turned slightly, her eyes falling on the Doctor. He felt his toes warm up as his emotions overwhelmed him; he gave her a smile. "Hi Rose…..welcome back" he said, his voice cracked and he didn't even care.

Rose stared vacantly into his eyes for a minute before she said, "Who are you?"

_Thanks for reading, please let know what you think so far! :)_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks to all of you who have read and reviewed so far :) Hope you enjoy the next chapter!_

Dread hit the Doctor's stomach like an icy knife. The walls seemed to close in on him as his whole world seemed to end. _Who are you? Rose doesn't remember you…_

Panic was seizing his hearts and making it hard to stand but he forced himself to remain calm around Rose. "I'm the Doctor…Rose, don't you remember what happened?"

Rose looked panicked and the Doctor feared she was going to cry. She didn't remember…..she didn't remember it and she was scared and confused. She looked at Jackie. "Mum…what happened? Why's there a doctor here? I'm dying or something?" she asked in panic.

"No…..no, Rose" Jackie said quickly. "You're not going to die….you just had a bit of an accident….."

The Doctor didn't make a conscious effort to leave the room but somehow he found himself wandering down the hallway. His throat constricted and he could feel his eyes burning.

The Doctor's thoughts urged him not to lose it but he couldn't quite understand why that was a good idea. _Rose didn't remember him…_

"Hey…..you get back here right now!" Jackie voice roused the Doctor from his musings. He turned around to see Jackie following him He pressed his hand to his mouth and forced himself to calm down. He was not going to lose it here, right now. He had to wait until he got to the TARDIS for that.

"Why? She doesn't even remember me, Jackie" the Doctor said. His voice was dripping with sorrow.

Jackie's face softened a bit. "We don't know anything yet, Doctor" she said. "If anyone can help her it's you. But right now, we need to tell her something. I told her she had an accident but she needs to know more"

"What do you need me for…..make something up" the Doctor said tiredly. Suddenly he felt so weary; all he could think about was going to the TARDIS and collapsing.

"We can't tell her the truth and we need to get our stories straight" Jackie said logically. He didn't know how she was holding it together. Probably because Rose remembered her…..

"You're not going to leave her, are you?" Jackie asked, worry and anger in her eyes.

"Leave her?" the Doctor asked. He couldn't think he ever could.

"Yeah, because if you're thinking of running off, just go ahead and do it now. Less pain to her that way" Jackie said, pain in her eyes.

Jackie thought that now that things were bad he would leave; sure he wanted to run to his TARDIS but not because he wanted to leave. This was just all so much to take in. "I'm not going to leave…I care about Rose. Surely you know that "he said.

"Well, then get in here and lets figure this out" Jackie said. "What are we going to tell Rose?"

The Doctor didn't even want to think about it but he forced his mind to work. "We'll tell her she was in a car accident….simple enough" he said. His head hurt and his body was aching. The stress of this was making the pain from earlier worse.

"What are you going to tell her about you?" Jackie asked, her eyes searching his.

What was he going to tell her? He didn't want to tell her he was her doctor. He could tell her they were friends…..oh, but they were so much more than that. Well, not now….

"I'll just tell her we are friends" the Doctor said, pain spreading through his body like blood. "Let's see what she knows first. Maybe it'll just take her a little while to remember everything." He said it more for himself than her.

Jackie nodded numbly and the two made their way back to Rose's room. She was laying on the bed, her face contorted in pain and pale. She looked confused and the Doctor could tell that she wanted to cry as much as he did right now; he'd seen that look before. He walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed as Jackie took a seat on the opposite side. Rose looked nervously from one to the other.

"What's going on? Why do you guys act so nervous?" Rose asked. She looked at the Doctor, "Who are you?"

It hurt the Doctor more than he imagined possible to hear Rose not even know who he was. He swallowed the pain down and tucked it away to address later. "I'm John" he said, recalling his old faithful alias. "Rose…..what do you remember? You were in an accident. Do you remember anything about it?"

Rose concentrated hard but it was obvious that she didn't. "All I remember is a lot of light…..that's all I remember. Then I woke up here" she said uncertainty.

Well, it wasn't really anything to go on but at least she had some small memory of the TARDIS and the time vortex. "Nothing else?" the Doctor prodded.

"No" Rose said, almost apologetically. "What happened?"

"You were in a car accident" the Doctor lied. "Hit your head. You were in a bit of a coma but now you're awake"

Rose looked scared; she didn't remember any of that. The Doctor felt bad not telling her the truth. But if she didn't even remember him he certainly couldn't tell her she looked into the heart of his time traveling space ship and it erased her memory. She would think she had lost her mind.

Rose looked at Jackie, almost as if she was checking that she was still there. She was the only thing that made sense to her right now. She looked back at the Doctor, confusion growing on her more every minute. "I….I don't remember" she said, her voice, trembling. She was so scared and it broke the Doctor's hearts.

"That's alright" he said, giving her a smile that he didn't feel. "You've just woken up. Give yourself time to adjust." The Doctor paused. He needed to know how much time Rose had lost, to see how extensive her memory loss was. "Rose…..how old are you?"

Rose looked alarmed at the question. "17" she said, looking uncertain, as is there was a wrong answer.

The Doctor did well to hide his alarm; Rose had lost two years of her memory. It was even worse than he had thought. Granted, it could have been worse but it wasn't good either. The Doctor and Jackie were silent for a long time; far too long for Rose.

"You still haven't told me who you are "Rose said to him. "Are you a doctor or something?"

The Doctor shook his head. "No…..just a friend" he said.

Rose looked him over curiously; she didn't appear to believe it. Without the TARDIS and their travels, with her thinking he was just some guy he couldn't blame her for not believing it. "Friend?" she asked "Like a boyfriend?"

The Doctor felt himself blush despite the situation. He felt Jackie's eyes like darts on him even though he didn't look at her. "No…..no. Just proper mates is all" he said.

Rose looked tired, falling back deeper into the pillows. "Why don't I remember you? Why don't I remember the accident?" she asked weakly.

"It's common in head trauma" the Doctor said, his mouth getting drier and drier by the second. "Give it a little time and it'll come back to you" _I hope so….. _"Just try to rest….it'll do you good"

"You sound like a doctor" Rose said, the hint of a smile on her lips. The Doctor needed to get out of here before he lost it…..

"Well, rest, that's the doctor's orders" The Doctor joked with a horribly fake laugh. "I'll come round and see you later, alright?"

"Alight" Rose said tiredly. As the Doctor made his way to the door he heard Rose speak again behind him. "John…I'm sorry I don't remember you"

The Doctor's hearts clenched. He gave her a smile. "Rose…..you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about" he said, waving to her as he slipped out the door. He watched Rose lean into Jackie who embraced her tightly before turning and leaving.

Night had fallen, the stars shining brightly in the sky as he walked the short distance from the building to the TARDIS. It wasn't until he walked through the door that he allowed himself to think about the pain of the day. He walked over to the console, leaning on it heavily before he sat on the jump seat.

The Doctor could feel the TARDIS sending a reassuring energy his way but it couldn't stop the aching pain inside him. His eyes stung and he found it difficult even to let loose his tears even though the TARDIS was the only one to witness them. If he began to cry, then he would have to acknowledge that Rose really was bad off and he wasn't sure that he wanted to do that.

The Doctor walked slowly back to his room, striping off his clothes before climbing into his bed. He pulled the covers over his head and burrowed into the sheets, relishing the darkness and loneliness. He knew it would be a long time before he could sleep but it already felt better to just be lying down alone.

He was glad that Rose was alive; there was no doubt about that. He had begun to think she'd never wake up and so for that he was beyond thankful. But she did not come out of unscathed; he should be glad that she wasn't mentally impaired but the fact that she didn't remember him was just too painful and raw at the moment. A hundred memories flew through his mind, ones that he had shared with Rose. Now, he was the only one that had those memories. He thought about his soaring happiness at seeing Rose come back to him, his distress that she had taken the time vortex in her head; he thought about the _kiss. _

Pain gripped his hearts and made him feel physical pain. A dry sob got caught in his throat and he clutched a pillow to him under the covers. It was a long time before he finally went to sleep, thoughts about Rose filling his dreams.

….

Rose's head was pounding, aching; her very brain felt like it was splitting open. She wanted to sleep but she just couldn't. Mum had left her an hour ago to 'get some rest' but she couldn't sleep. Her mind was swirling and she couldn't make it stop even though it hurt. None of this felt right; she knew that apparently she had lost her memory but she still felt something wasn't right. She had gotten the impression that her mum and John were leaving something out. She had heard them whispering out in the hallway after John had fled the room. They weren't telling her something.

And what with this John guy anyway? Rose didn't make a habit of having male friends; in fact she didn't have any at all. The idea that her and he were 'proper mates' didn't seem right. How old was he anyway? Not that he was unattractive but he seemed kind of old for her. What did they talk about? What did they do together? She couldn't imagine. But she had gotten the impression that he was lying too. Something in his eyes seemed wrong.

Rose sat up and looked around her room; it looked mostly the same but there were subtle differences that told her that she had forgotten time. Clothes that she didn't remember wearing, things arraigned slightly differently. No one had seemed to want to tell her how much time she had forgotten. As Rose walked around the room, she got the feeling that it was longer than she though. She paused at a calendar hanging up on her closet and she gasped slightly.

2005…it was 2005. That went meant that she had lost two years of her memory. She wasn't 17, she had to be 19 now. Rose put her hand over her mouth and she slumped to the floor, overwhelmed. She lay there crumpled for a long time, silent tears running down her face; she didn't want her mum to know that she had been crying when she was supposed to sleeping. What had she missed? What had happened in two years' time? She might not even be the same person she thought she was anymore.

Rose sat there on the floor crying until her head hurt so badly that she couldn't stand it anymore. She went to the dresser and put some pyjamas on, still wiping her eyes of the tears before lying down in bed. She pulled the covers up to her neck, gripping them tightly in her hands. She felt confused and scared and lost; mostly she didn't know what to feel. She went to sleep hoping that she would wake up and know who she was.


	3. Chapter 3

The Doctor woke up the next morning knowing instinctually that it was midmorning. He had slept for 9 hours and 27 minutes; far too long. He blamed it on his near regeneration and the harm the time energy had done to him. His sleep had not been kind; all night he had been plagued by the sight of Rose's limp unconscious body, Jackie's voice screaming "You were supposed to protect her!"

The Doctor reluctantly pulled himself out of his blanket cocoon and got dressed. The TARDIS prodded him; he should take a shower, he should eat something. He ignored her; all he cared about was seeing Rose and finding out how she was doing.

The morning was crisp cool with the sun shining brightly; he hoped that the events of the day were as hopeful as the weather suggested. He walked up to Rose's flat , trying to be hopeful. Even if Rose still didn't remember him, he hoped that she soon would. Maybe spending some time together would help to jar her memory.

He knocked on the door and was surprised when Rose answered the door and not Jackie. "Oh…..hi, Rose" the Doctor said smiling goofily. He had half expected her to still be asleep and to find her awake and standing before him was a surprise. He wanted to hug her; he was desperately in need of one of Rose's amazing hugs but he knew he couldn't do that yet.

"Hi" Rose said, smiling at his apparent over eagerness to see her. There were bags under her eyes making it obvious that she hadn't slept much. She was still in her pyjamas and her hair was rumpled bed hair; she looked gorgeous.

"Hi" the Doctor said stupidly. It was the only thing he could think of.

It made Rose laugh at least. She glanced down at her appearance. "I…..I didn't expect company. Not this early" she said. "Mum's at work."

Suddenly the Doctor wondered if he shouldn't be here; of course she hadn't expected him. It was early and this made him look desperate. She should be in bed. "Oh…..oh, I'm sorry" the Doctor said hastily. "I can leave…..I should leave. I'll come back later"

"No…..that's alright" she said uncertainly, opening the door for him to come in. She was smiling at him, but she saw him as a stranger.

The Doctor slipped into Rose's flat, sitting down uncomfortably on the sofa and not knowing what to do. Rose walked into the room, looking just as unsure of what to do.

"I'll…..um…..go change and I'll be right back" Rose said, looking slightly embarrassed. As she turned to go back to her room, the Doctor stopped her.

"Wait" The Doctor said, as Rose turned back around. "Rose, you don't have to change on account of me. Really, just come here and relax"

Rose looked uncertain but she didn't argue. "Alright…..if you say so" she said, trying to look at ease but not looking very comfortable. She walked into the room and sat in the chair instead of the couch next to him. He tried to pretend that it didn't bother him.

Rose looked back and forth from the television to the Doctor, appearing unsure of what to do or say. The Doctor wasn't sure what to do either; things had always been so easy for him and Rose and it was painful having to think about what to say and do.

The Doctor watched Rose pull a blanket over her legs and burrow into it. She was pale and it was obvious that didn't feel good. "How are you doing? Feeling any better?" he asked. It was obvious that she wasn't feeling that great but he wanted to get the conversation going.

"I don't remember anything, if that's what you mean" Rose said in frustration. She looked down, obviously bothered by it.

"No" the Doctor said. "That's not exactly what I meant. I just meant in general. It's alright that you don't remember"

"No its not" Rose snapped. "You try losing two years of your life and see how you feel"

Silence hung in the air for a moment and then Rose blushed slightly. "I'm sorry" she said apologetically, sheepishly. "I didn't mean to snap at you. It's not your fault"

The Doctor's stomach twisted; he felt a sense of guilt coming over him. Technically it _was _the Doctor's fault that she had lost her memory. If he hadn't sent her away she wouldn't have looked into the TARDIS. Of course, if he hadn't sent her away they would probably both be dead now. It was her power with the time vortex in her that had gotten rid of the Daleks. The Doctor could hardly believe that had only been yesterday. Regardless of his good intentions, he still felt guilty.

"It's alright…..I can imagine that that would be frustrating" the Doctor said, hiding his guilt. "How do you feel otherwise?"

Rose shrugged. "My head still hurts" she said. "But other than that I'm alright"

The Doctor could tell she was tired and probably not telling the whole truth. She was not one to complain. "Have you eaten anything yet?" he asked.

"No…..I'm not hungry" Rose said dismissively.

The Doctor couldn't remember the last time they had eaten but he knew he it had been at least a day, probably more like two. "It'll be good for you…you need to eat something. How about I make you breakfast?"

Rose gave him a smile as she looked him over again; still sizing him up. "Are you sure you're not a doctor?" she asked. "You're certainly concerned about my health"

The Doctor swallowed; _that's because I care about you…..care about you a lot. _"I told you, I'm your best mate" he said with a smile. "I care how you're doing. Let me fix you some breakfast"

Rose was still looking at him in slight astonishment. "Alright" she said. "I can help though"

The Doctor stood and shook his head. "Nope, you, Rose Tyler, are going to stay sitting in that chair, watching crap telly and rest" he said with finality.

Rose smiled that bright smile the Doctor loved so much. "Okay…..if you say so"

…

Rose craned her neck over the top of the chair and looking toward the kitchen even though it made her head hurt more. John was in the kitchen, banging pans and dishes as the smell of something delicious wafted in the air. She sat back down on the chair and smiled, pulling the blanket up to her chest.

She was so confused but at least this was one thing that she was at least happy with. John said that she and he were 'best mates'. Since when had she been best mates with a man? If his behavior was any indication, then she could understand why they were. He seemed concerned about her and he could cook; it was a perfect combination. The experience Rose had had so far with men was that they were selfish and generally rubbish; something told her that John wasn't like that. Rose closed her eyes and tried to focus on her memories; she tried to conjure any sort of memory that contained John. But the more that she focused, the murkier her memories became until her mind was like field of fog. She opened her eyes in frustration, her head hurting from the excursion of trying to remember. She had so many questions and it really frustrated her that she felt the need to ask people questions about her own life. When she thought about her life, she thought about school and her friends; she knew though that that wasn't her life now. Did she have a job? What did she do? Did she still hang around with the same friends? And what, really, was John to her? She believed that they were friends like he said but something told her that wasn't the entire truth.

"Alright , Rose" John voice came into through the living room behind her. Rose turned toward the sound of his voice to see him carrying a tray laden with more breakfast food than she could possibly eat. "Breakfast is severed" He gave a dramatic sweeping motion as he served the tray toward her.

Rose smiled; he was so enthusiastic it was almost contagious. She hadn't been sure about letting him in when he had showed up but she was glad that she did. It would have been extremely boring and a little sad sitting at home by herself. Her mum hadn't wanted to leave for work but Rose had insisted; though she really wanted company she didn't want to disrupt anyone's routine; not that she really knew what anyone's routine was anymore.

"Thanks" Rose said, looking from the tray to John who was sitting on the couch eating just a banana. "Looks like you outdid yourself"

"Ah, that's nothing" John said, waving his hand. "I bet you're starving"

Rose really didn't feel hungry; there was a dull ache deep in her stomach like she was really hungry deep down but even her body had forgotten it. She forced herself to eat, knowing she probably needed it even though she didn't want it. She and John ate in silence for a long time before Rose finally spoke. Her curiosity was killing her and she felt like she had to find out more about her own life even if she had to ask someone else about it.

"So…..do you normally cook like this?" she asked, pointing her fork toward her plate. He didn't exactly look like a culinary genius.

John smiled, tossing his empty banana peel aside. "No" he said. "I've picked up cooking skills here and there but I don't often cook"

"So, I should consider myself lucky, then?" she asked with a grin. John smiled back.

"Well, anyone that's been through what you've been through deserves a little catering to" John said. She couldn't help but notice that his smile turned sad. He paused for a while before lightening. "I'll bet your head feels like it's been through the ringer."

Rose didn't have to admit that this was the worst headache she had ever had and it just seemed to go on and on. "It does feel pretty bad" she admitted. "But that's really not half as bad as not knowing anything about myself"

"I'm sure that it'll come to you eventually" John said. His tone was hopeful but something in his eyes suggested that he was not as optimistic.

Rose paused, looking down at her plate. She had eaten enough that she felt like it was acceptable and she placed her tray on the table. "Could you tell me some things about what it's like now?" she asked hesitantly. "I'd like to know what I'm up to. I hate that I have to ask you but mum seems reluctant to tell me anything"

John paused for a long time; he seemed just as reluctant to say anything as her mum. "Sure….what would you like to know?" he finally said, pleasant and hiding any sign of distress.

"Well…..for starters" Rose said, thinking despite her aching head "What do I do for a living? I obviously don't go to school anymore"

"You worked at Henrick's shop" John said.

"Worked? Do I not work there now?" Rose asked.

"No" John said quickly. "There was a…..fire there. Whole place went up"

"So…..do I not have a job now?" she asked.

John paused a long time, as if thinking the answer over; Rose didn't like it. It seemed like everyone was trying to cover something up. Maybe she was just being paranoid. "No" John said finally. "You've actually been doing some traveling"

"Traveling?" Rose asked in surprise. It wasn't that she didn't like the idea of traveling but it seemed somehow out of character for her. She couldn't imagine traveling very far from home.

John smiled broadly. "Oh yes…..you love traveling. Does it surprise you?"

"Well, yeah…..I've always stayed close to home" Rose said. "But it sounds interesting. Where have I been?"

"We have been all over" John said, his eyes more alight than she had seen before.

"We?" Rose asked. She thought it might be a slip but it didn't seem like one.

John averted his eyes as if he had made a mistake. "Yeah…..you and I travel together" he said simply, almost sheepishly.

Now Rose was convinced that there was something more going on with her and John. If they had been traveling together that suggested that they spent lots of time alone together. Rose felt herself get warm around the ears and banished the thought quickly. That was the last thing she needed to think about. "We do?" she asked with a laugh. "How does that work? I'll bet mum is real excited about that" She couldn't imagine that her mum was thrilled at all about this arraignment.

John laughed genuinely. "Oh, no she is not thrilled at all about it" he said. "She's warmed up to it a little. She punched me once though"

Rose found herself laughing for the first time since she had woken up. She could imagine her mum not being the least bit shy about giving John a piece of her mind on the matter. Rose just wished that she could remember it. "That's mum" she said with a nod, smiling. "How old are you anyway?"

John laughed nervously, his cheeks tinting slightly. It was only then that she realized how it sounded when she asked it. "Uh…..sorry, that was rude" she said, slightly embarrassed. She hadn't meant it to sound the way it did.

John still looked embarrassed but he smiled warmly. "No big deal" he said dismissively. "Perfectly normal question" he paused, almost as if trying to remember how old he was. "I'm 37"

Rose tried to not let surprise show on her face; even if she was 19 instead of 17 like she had thought when she woke up, that was still one hell of an age gap. She reminded herself that that didn't matter because they were only friends. Rose decided to change the subject. "So…..what do you do for a living?" She asked.

"I told you, we travel" John said with a small grin.

Rose felt confused; two unemployed friends traveling to who knew where. Where did they get all the money for that? Where had they met? Something about all this just didn't feel right; she liked what she had seen of John but she was sure that he wasn't telling her everything about himself. If not, why did he feel the need to be distrustful? She looked at him, studying. Her head pounded the more she tried to conjure up a memory that contained him but she came up empty; he was a complete stranger to her. She was about to ask him why he wasn't telling her everything when suddenly her head felt like it was hit by an invisible knife; her eyes and mind were filled with bright yellow light and sense of power filled her whole body. When it was over, she was left shaking and with an even worse headache than before. The event was alarming and Rose wondered if it was a common occurrence for someone that lost their memory.

"Are you okay, Rose?" John asked, leaning forward on the couch as he looked at her, his brows furrowed in genuine worry.

Rose rubbed her head, standing quickly. "Yeah…..yeah…..M'fine" she said unconvincingly. She wrapped her arms around her middle and glanced to and from John. "Listen, thanks for coming and everything but my head is killing me and I'm going to lie down."

John's face was still full of concern. "Are you sure you're alright? Anything I can do for you?" he asked. Rose almost felt sorry for him; he obviously didn't want to leave and he seemed really worried. But she didn't know him and with what had just happened, she wanted to hide.

"No…..no…..I'm fine" Rose said hastily before she turned and rushed off toward her room without another word toward John.


	4. Chapter 4

The Doctor was disheartened as he walked back to the TARDIS. He knew something was wrong with Rose but she had run off before he had had the chance to really do anything. He stepped into the TARDIS and quickly walked to the console, climbing underneath and beginning to fiddle. She didn't really need any repairs but he needed something to do with his hands; he knew better than to assume it would take his mind off things.

He tried to replay the events of the morning in his mind and find out where he had gone wrong. Nothing seemed amiss; in fact Rose seemed pretty content. She was understandably frustrated about her loss of memory but she hadn't seemed upset until the very end. The Doctor mentally kicked himself; maybe she had seen through his fakeness. He didn't enjoy having to tell Rose so many lies; aside from the fact that he didn't like being dishonest with her, telling her the wrong memories would not help the correct memories return. He knew he had no choice; if he told Rose the truth she would think he was crazy and it would ruin any chance he had at seeing her in the future. The Doctor sighed, dropping his tools and simply staring up at the TARDIS console; he missed her already. He knew he needed to give her space and couldn't constantly run over to her flat; after all, in her mind she didn't even know him. He would force himself to stay here all day and give her space; maybe tomorrow she would be feeling better. Sadness churned in his stomach as he thought about the turn of events over the past few days; only a couple of days ago he and Rose were traveling, happy. Now she couldn't even remember him.

The TARDIS edged at his mind, trying to get him to not think about it. He ignored her; how could he not think about it? Rose had become so important to him; she was always by his side. After 900 years of traveling through space and time and now after one year with this human girl he was at a loss without her.

_That's because Rose is special…_

The Doctor swallowed down a lump in his throat, pushing himself up off the floor and climbing up to the top of the console. He had to do something, had to get his mind off Rose. He pressed several buttons, bringing the TARDIS to life.

…

Rose laid in her room, listening to silence and trying to figure out how she felt about everything for a long time before she gave up and dove under the covers. Covered up and not seeing the world around her made it easier to try and forget what happened. She could try to forget that she had been in an accident; she could forget that her life wasn't as simple as she thought it was. It was quiet and dark and she could forget that she wasn't just a student that went to school and hung out with her friends; that she was an adult who traveled around with a strange man who wasn't telling her everything.

Eventually she had fallen asleep though her sleep was disturbed by the bright yellow light that somehow felt like more than just a light. She had woken up sweaty and breathing hard. She pushed the covers off of her and sat up, hearing the sound of noise in the flat. She walked to her door and could hear her mum in the kitchen making dinner. Her head hurt, not as bad as earlier. She wondered how long it would be before it would stop hurting.

Rose walked into the kitchen, feeling slightly sick at the smell of food filling the room. Her mum noticed her and turned around as Rose sat down at the table.

"Ah, Rose, you're awake" she said, walking over from the stove to the table. "How are you feeling?"

Rose felt terrible and yet she was already getting tired of people asking her how she felt. It reminded her that everything wasn't normal. "I'm fine…..just tired. My head still hurts" she said, looking at the table. "Didn't the doctor give you anything to give me?" Surely she wouldn't have just been released from the hospital with no medication.

Her mum paused. "No" she said, "He didn't prescribe any painkillers. Is your head hurting that badly? "She asked in alarmed.

She looked so concerned Rose was sorry she had asked; why did everyone seem so worried about her? She knew she'd had an accident but all this seemed a bit much. "No" she said, shrugging it off. "No, I'll be alright, I was just asking"

Her mum got up and went to the cabinet, getting some over the counter pain medication and bringing it to her. Rose took it quickly, hoping it would help. "Mum, what kind of an accident was I in?" she asked.

"I told you, sweetheart" she said, moving to the stove and getting a pot of tea to bring back to the table. "You were in a car accident. Put you in a coma for a few days. Scared us to death" She sat down and poured Rose a cup of tea.

"When you say us…..you mean you and John?" Rose asked, looking up into her mum's eyes, putting her hands around the warm cup of tea.

Her mum looked sad. "Yes" she said. "We were afraid you might not wake up"

Rose thought about John and how the whole situation was so strange. She could ask her mum the one question that was nagging at the back of her mind, one that she couldn't ask John. "Mum…..are me and John…you know?" she asked.

"Are you two what?" she asked.

"Are we…together…." Rose said, feeling her face turn red. "You know…..is he my boyfriend?"

Her mum's eyes lit on fire. "He better bloody not be" she said with contempt. "I'll take him by his big ears and throw him out the window"

Rose laughed and soon her mum was laughing too; it felt good, felt normal. "He said you punched him once" she said.

"Course I did" she said. "But that was before I knew him. We didn't exactly meet on the best of terms" She seemed to trail away from her thoughts as if she didn't to say what she was thinking. "Why did you ask if you two were dating?"

Rose shrugged. "I don't know…..it just seems weird" she said. "He's nice and all…..it just seems weird that we would be doing all this traveling and everything. Plus he doesn't seem like my type of a friend."

Her mum thought for a moment. "I will admit that you two have a unique relationship…..I don't really understand it myself. But he's a good man and he does protect you" She smiled broadly. "And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll kill you"

Rose laughed. "Promise I won't" she said.

"Good" her mum agreed, hitting her palms against the table. "Now….I say we put our dinner on trays and go watch some telly. Sound good?"

Rose smiled; again, something familiar. "Sounds good"

…

The Doctor was anxious and irritable but he was glad it was morning. He hadn't slept last night, hadn't needed to but it had left him with a lot of time to sit around and think. After leaving Rose's yesterday he had tried to travel but he hadn't felt like doing anything; he couldn't think of anywhere he wanted to go without her and so he had just ended up suspended in space all night. He had opened the TARDIS' doors and sat at the edge, staring at Earth and the stars for hours.

Now, as he stepped into the rainy, dismal London air he felt nervous. It was nearly noon and he hoped that Rose had enough time alone that she might be feeling better. He just hoped that she didn't want him to go away again. He wasn't sure what he would do. He never had thought himself dependent on anyone else before but he was quickly finding out that he needed Rose possibly more than she needed him.

He walked quickly from the TARDIS to the building and slipped in, using his sonic to dry the water that had quickly soaked his clothes. He walked up the stairs and made his way to Rose's door. When he knocked on the door, he was slightly disappointed that Rose didn't answer.

"Oh, hello, Doctor" Jackie said, opening the door enough that he could slip in. He walked into the flat and looked around, not seeing Rose in the immediate vicinity.

"Rose is in the shower, she just got up" Jackie said, walking busily around, putting her hair up as she was obviously getting ready to go to work. The Doctor sat down awkwardly on the couch.

"Is it…..alright…..if I stay?" he asked. "Is she doing alright today?"

Jackie shrugged. "About the same as yesterday" she said. She sat next to the Doctor on the couch and leaned into whisper. "She's asking a lot of questions…..she knows we are hiding things from her, I think"

"There's nothing else we can do" The Doctor said regretfully, "We have to lie to her…..you know that. I don't like it, but we can't tell her the truth"

Jackie looked worried. "Do you think it will come back to her? Her memory?" she asked.

"I have no idea" the Doctor admitted reluctantly. He didn't like to admit that he didn't know, much less that he didn't know if Rose would be alright. "I don't know much else more than you do at this point"

"If she never remembers you…..what will you do?" Jackie asked regretfully.

The Doctor felt like he had been punched in the stomach; the thought that Rose may never remember him was not one that he wanted to consider. He wouldn't leave her; he couldn't possibly do that. But what would he do? Eventually he'd have to tell her the truth but he couldn't expect her to take to the truth as well as she had the first time. After all, she had seen aliens first hand when they had met; it was the Autons that had been the reason that they had met in the first place. With no life threatening alien event to prove the truth there was no way to guarantee that she would accept it.

"We'll think about that if it comes" the Doctor said gruffly, not wanting Jackie to see how scared it made him. "Right now, I'm just trying to trust that she will get better"

Jackie nodded somberly and the Doctor envied her position; it mattered relatively little to her if Rose remembered the last two years. She and Rose could still have the relationship that they'd always had regardless. Maybe she'd even be happier if Rose never remembered the wonderful life of traveling she'd had with the Doctor so that she would stay here. He knew it was a dark bitter thought but the Doctor couldn't help but have it.

"Well, I'm glad she has you to keep her company all day" Jackie said, rising from the couch. "I've got to go to work…try to keep her company and get her mind away from all her questioning"

"I'll try" the Doctor said dully. He knew that once Rose had something on her mind, there was nothing that could stop her from finding out what she wanted to know. He watched Jackie leave and sat back on the couch, listening to the incredibly dull silence. It seemed that his time was bent on being split between terrible boredom and crushing worry until Rose was alright again.

"Oh….I didn't realize you were here"

The Doctor's head snapped up from where he was staring at his feet and saw Rose standing a few feet from him, drying her wet hair, clad in sweat pants and a tank top. He marveled at how she could look so completely perfect so laid back and he forced himself not to stare too intently at her. She looked slightly uncomfortable, bouncing on her feet as she dried her hair, still looking at him like a stranger in her house. He didn't blame her but it still felt wrong.

"Sorry" the Doctor said apologetically, "You're mum let me in before she left for work" He didn't want Rose to think that he had just let himself in. Rose was silent for a long stretch. "I can go, if you'd like"

Rose shook her head, tossing the towel aside and sitting down in the armchair. "No….you can stay" she said shaking her head. "I'm….uh…..sorry about yesterday. I must have seemed rude"

"No" the Doctor was quick to say. "No, it's alright. You didn't feel good…..don't worry about it"

Rose slowly nodded but then looked away. A long, uncomfortable silence followed and the Doctor sought something to say. He felt like asking how she felt but he was sure that she was getting tired of hearing that. He wished he could talk about something besides the accident but it was hard when she really didn't know anything about him.

He was glad when Rose was the first one to speak. "So…..uh….how are you doing?" she was uncomfortable, out of her element but it was obvious that she was trying to be nice to him. It made him love her even more.

"I'm doing alright" the Doctor said, giving her a smile even though he was far from alright. He wouldn't be alright until she was well again. "Things are…..pretty quiet without the traveling. I've grown quite accustomed to it" That was an understatement; he wasn't sure how he was going to entertain himself, to distract himself while he was tethered to Earth. He hated domestics but right now all he felt like doing was being with Rose.

"Oh…..yeah" Rose said, looking a little sad. "Sorry about that…..this all must be a disruption to your life."

The Doctor wanted to chide her for thinking such a thing but he knew that wouldn't help; she was vulnerable right now. "The only disruption to my life is that I've been so worried about you" the Doctor said before he could stop himself. He felt his cheeks warm slightly as he looked at Rose who was smiling gently now.

"Oh" she said in a small voice. "Well, no need to worry then, right? I'm just fine…..well, mostly"

The Doctor tried not to show on his face how disheartened he was at that statement; there was plenty of reason to worry. If she never regained her memory then they might never have the relationship that they had once had. This was a worry that greeted him night and day. "You're right….nothing to worry about at all" he lied with a big grin. "You're going to be just fine, Rose"

…

"Are you alright?" Rose asked as she looked over at John as they watched the movie. His face was a mask of horror and disbelief; when he had said that he had never watched Beauty and the Beast, she really hadn't believed him. But the look on his face, as he watched the Beast close to death on the screen, proved that he really didn't know what was going to happen.

"He's dying" John said in what she hoped to be mock grief. "I thought that you said that this was a children's movie. They're not really going to kill him off are they?"

Rose put her hand to her lips to stifle a laugh; for such a tough looking guy it seemed John had a sensitive side. She watched as the Beast on screen turned from monster to man and heard John heave a sigh of relief.

"Well…..that's about time he regenerated into a human" he said in relief.

"Regenerated?" Rose asked at his odd choice of words.

"Oh…..I mean, changed, you know" John said. "Bought time he changed into a human…..rubbish movie" He put his hands over his chest as if he didn't care but Rose was smiling to herself because he obviously did.

As the movie was ending and Rose was beginning to feel herself become overwhelmed by fatigue, she couldn't help but feel satisfied with the day. When John had shown up this morning, she hadn't really known if she wanted him to stay. But the day had actually gone very well. They had watched movie after movie all day with way too much take away food. They had talked and laughed and Rose got a great enjoyment out of watching John's reactions to the movies; it seemed like he had never watched a movie before. She was seeing now that it was easy to believe that they were best mates; he was funny, easy going and had kept her in stiches at times. She had not mistaken how her mum had made herself scarce when she had gotten home, letting her and John continue their little movie marathon. Overall, it had been an enjoyable day and Rose was a little disappointed to see it end. It had been easy to forget her troubles; even her head had hurt less today. It had gone from a stabbing pain to a dull throb that was easier to put aside.

When the credits of the movie came on, Rose stood up, stretching her stiff arms and legs. John looked up from his place on the couch and rose when she did. "Well, I think I'm going to get some sleep" Rose said somewhat awkwardly. She didn't really want to throw him out; she hoped that he would come back tomorrow but she wasn't going to ask him.

"Yeah, I suppose it is getting rather late" John said, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I better get some sleep myself" Though Rose thought he didn't look sleepy at all.

An awkward silence fell in the air and Rose wondered where it came from; all day they had been avoiding these socially anxious moments. "I…..had a good time" Rose said, rubbing the back of her head. It was beginning to bother her more now that she was sleepy. "Thanks for keeping me company while I'm all laid up"

John smiled. "No problem at all" he said cheerfully. "It was fun…..and enlightening. Saw plenty of movies I've never seen before"

"Well, what movies _have _you seen before?" Rose asked with a smile. "Doesn't seem to be many"

"Not really much for telly" he admitted. "Maybe I'll have to take it up more"

There was another long pause and John took one of his hands out of his pocket and rubbed the back of his head, "You could teach me more about films tomorrow…..if you'd like" he said slightly shy.

Rose smiled; she liked that he was inviting himself over. She had to remind herself that he wasn't just learning about her like she was him. "Sure…..that'd be good" Rose agreed. She walked John to the door. "Goodnight" she said with a smile that was ruined halfway with a yawn.

"Goodnight, Rose" John said with slight wave as he walked out the door. "Sleep well"

Rose closed the door behind John, fatigue setting in deeply. She turned the lights out in the flat, her mum having already gone to sleep, and walked to her own room. Rose changed into clean pyjamas (making a mental note to put real clothes on tomorrow) and slipped into her bed. Though she was exhausted, her mind was beginning to churn with the thoughts that she had been able to keep at bay all day. Without John here or any noise to distract her, her thoughts fell on the loss of her memory. Her head was hurting more and more by the second and a deep sense of fear began to take hold in her. What if she never remembered what had happened?

It took Rose much longer than she had thought to go to sleep and even when she did, her sleep was troubled. The bright yellow light she saw and a strange fear of filled her dreams, causing her pain even though she didn't know why. The only thing that kept her from waking in fear was a strange flying blue box that she felt like was important even though it made no sense to her at all.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks again to all who are reading and reviewing :) You guys encourage me to keep going!_

Rose pushed a brush through her hair until it finally set itself straight, smoothing her clothes out, emerging from the bathroom feeling half way satisfied with her appearance. Her head hurt slightly but she had taken some medicine and felt it beginning to kick in. Her sleep had been troubled, with dreams she couldn't quite remember other than the yellow light and blue box but she felt rested. She felt almost normal; well, normal when she didn't think about her situation too much. She was making an effort at trying to feel normal because she knew if she continued to lie around in her pyjamas uselessly then she wouldn't get on with her life.

Rose went into the kitchen and found her mum cleaning up dishes from breakfast. Rose went to the stove and poured some tea for herself, grabbing a doughnut out of a box on the counter and sat down at the table.

"Good morning" Jackie said as she turned around from the sink. "How are you feeling?"

"Better" Rose said, sipping her tea.

Jackie smiled. "Good…..you look good today" she said happily. She paused. "Are you and John going to go do something today?" She gestured to her clothes.

"No" Rose said shrugging. "Just probably going to watch more movies…..he seems to know absolutely nothing about telly at all." Rose laughed. "He seems a little alien "

Jackie's eyes widened like she doubted Rose's sanity. "Geez…..I was just joking" she said with a laugh. "He's just different"

Jackie's strange look went away and was replaced with a smile. "Well, yeah I gotta agree with you on that…..he is one strange man" she said, making both of them laugh. She walked to Rose, giving her an uncharacteristic kiss on the forehead, smiling down at her. "I gotta go, sweetheart. I have tomorrow off, why don't we go ahead and put up the tree then?"

Rose was taken by surprise; she hadn't even realized it was close to the holidays. It reminded her just how out of her element she was. She reminded herself to find a newspaper. "Sure, mum, that sounds good" Rose said. She didn't mention that she hadn't even realized that it was time for the tree; Jackie hadn't been thinking about it and it was likely to just make her feel bad.

Rose finished up her small breakfast as she watched Jackie leave for work, pondering even the smallest things about this new life she apparently had. Even the fact that her mum was spending so much time at work was strange. Though she loved her mum, she had never been known for being that faithful of a worker and Rose had gotten a job as soon as she was old enough to help ends meet. Rose thought about how John had told her that they had been traveling the past year; maybe Jackie had had begun to work more because Rose wasn't around. Had she ran off with John? She knew that Jackie and John both said things weren't romantic between them but she still couldn't help but wonder if she had gotten angry at her mum and left. Guilt, at something she didn't even know to be true filled her; it wasn't like her and Jackie always saw eye to eye. In fact, they had a good share of rows and hard feelings. Rose was glad when the bell rang and it pulled her out of her thoughts.

Rose walked quickly to the door, finding John standing there with a goofy smile on his face, clad in his leather jacket and another plain coloured jumper; she was beginning to wonder if he ever wore anything else.

"Morning" He said enthusiastically, waiting for Rose to open the door before he stepped in. He gave her a once over that made Rose feel slightly uncomfortable. "You look nice" he said, though after he said it he looked embarrassed.

Rose shrugged, embarrassed. She was just in jeans and red jumper; it wasn't anything special. "I just figured, the sooner I start acting normal the quicker things can get back to normal" she said "Can't do that just laying around in my pyjamas all day"

"Guess that's true" John agreed. He walked into the flat, sitting down on the couch. Rose surprised herself by sitting next to him instead of her usual spot in the chair.

"So…..what wonderful movie shall we watch today?" Rose asked, feeling more enthusiasm for watching a film than was necessary. "I'll tell you what? You pick"

John smiled broadly. "Sounds good to me"

….

"I still can't believe you've never seen Little Mermaid" Rose marveled as she put the old video back into its case. "Honestly, I can't believe you even picked it"

"Why not?" John asked, looking slightly offended. "Mermaids are fascinating creatures"

Rose giggled; the way that he said it, it was like he actually _believed _in mermaids. She had let him have his pick of their extensive movie collection and rather than picking something full of war or blood or gore, he had picked out a cartoon meant for little girls. He was definitely strange….but she had to admit that it was also intriguing. "Have you never watched any of these Disney movies?" Rose asked. "What kind of childhood did you have?"

John looked slightly uncomfortable. "These didn't exactly come out in my childhood" he said, looking away, his ears turning slightly pink. Rose kicked herself silently; of course they didn't. While these movies were staples of her childhood, John was 18 or 19 years her senior; he was old enough to be her dad…..Rose shook her head vigorously to shake that thought out.

"Uh, right" Rose said, eager to change the subject. "So….what do you want to do for lunch? I could make you something if you'd like since I'm feeling better. Though, I'm not that great of a cook"

"Actually" John said, giving her a smile as he looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "I was thinking we could go out and pick something up, maybe stop at a chippy or something"

Rose was torn between wanting to stay in and wanting to go out; honestly, she didn't know why she even hesitated. It would be good to get out and get fresh air. But her world was so uncertain these days; she didn't even really know who she was; the world just from her flat seemed scary. But she couldn't let that hold her back; besides, she trusted John, even though she really barely knew him. "Sure, that sounds good" she agreed with a smile.

…

The Doctor sat next to Rose on the bench, eating his fish and chips distractedly as he watched Rose out of the corner of his eye. She was intently watching the people passing by on the street and didn't realize that he was watching her; that was a good thing, because honestly he was staring.

This was so strange…..this, whatever it was that they were developing. He supposed that he would call it friendship but it was different than the friendship that they had had before. Not worse, just different. Domestic…..the word would normally would have made him shudder. He had always rejected any plea Rose had asked of him for domestics like coming to dinner with her mum; he only had to whisper the right dangerous, intriguing words in her ear and she had forgotten what she wanted to do that was domestic. Now he was wondering if that was wrong; watching films, having chips…..it wasn't bad at all. Not with Rose…but that didn't mean that he couldn't wait until they were able to travel again.

"Have I got food on my face for something?"

Rose's voice roused the Doctor from his musings; he looked at her, turned toward him, obviously noticing his staring. He felt himself blush. "No…..sorry" he said, "just lost in thought"

Rose averted her eyes, looking down at her chips. "You're worried about me" she said. It was a statement, not a question.

The Doctor cursed internally; Rose was just too bloody perceptive sometimes. "Yes…..maybe a little" he admitted. "You're…you're my best mate….I want you to be alright" The Doctor did his best to hide how upset and worried he really was from his voice.

Rose didn't meet his eyes. "If I don't remember…if I never do…will you still want to be mates with me?" she asked.

The Doctor felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He couldn't believe that she would even think such a thing; but then again, she didn't know what they had had. "Of course I will" The Doctor said quickly. "Are you afraid I'll leave you? Let me tell you, that's never gonna happen"

The Doctor studied Rose's face, hoping to see the trace of a smile. He was alarmed when he saw tears in her eyes instead. He longed to reach out and hold her, hug her close and comfort her but he held back; he didn't want to push himself on her. "Rose…..where is this coming from?" he asked.

"I dunno….." Rose said, her voice thick with tears, "I'm just…..so confused. I don't know anything about who I am or what's going on. It's so confusing" Rose burst into tears, burying her face in her hands, her whole body shuddering with sobs. She looked so small and vulnerable he couldn't resist the temptation to put his arm around her. She leaned her head into his shoulder, crying.

"Rose…..it's going to be alright…..really" the Doctor tried to encourage her and himself at the same time. "It's only been a few days. I know you're scared but try not to worry about your memory. It'll come back to you …..just give it some time"

Rose pushed back off of the Doctor's chest, wiping her eyes. She looked like she was embarrassed, like she was afraid of showing him too much and he hated that. She stood up. "Alright…..blimey…sorry about that" she said rubbing the tears out of her eyes in shame.

"Rose…..it's okay" the Doctor assured her. "If you need to talk about it-"

"No" Rose said, plastering a fake smile on her face. "I'm fine…..really. Let's go for a walk"

The Doctor didn't believe for a minuet that she was alright; no one burst into tears like that unless they were trying desperately to hold in their feelings. But he didn't want to push her so he went along. "Alright…..sure. Let's go for a walk" he agreed as he stood and followed her.

….

Rose was silent for a long while after her breakdown and the Doctor wanted to break the silence. But he didn't want to say something simply stupid so he would let her break the silence. They walked down the street, the cold air stinging his cheeks but making him feel invigorated from the time they had spent inside the past two days. Bright lights and Christmas trees were everywhere, signaling that the holidays were near.

"I didn't realize how close Christmas was" Rose mused, finally bringing them out of the silence. She looked all around at the festivities. "I'll have to get my mum a present…..dunno what"

The Doctor hadn't realized that it was that close to Christmas either; he hadn't paid much attention to when he had landed, just where; he'd been too frantic about Rose at the time. "I'm sure you'll think of something wonderful" he said sincerely.

Rose laughed slightly and it was music to the Doctor's ears. "You don't know mum….she's so hard to buy for" she said, tugging on her scarf absently and adorably. The Doctor didn't know how she could melt him with something as simple as a smile and a tongue between her teeth.

"Well, you know her best, right?" he said, doing his best to hide his errant thoughts.

They continued to walk past shops, Rose glancing in the windows. "I guess I'm gonna have to get a job" she mused.

"Oi! What do you want to go doing that for?" the Doctor asked. He didn't want Rose to get a job; a job suggested that she was going to be here for a while, perhaps indefinitely and he couldn't think like that.

Rose smiled. "Can't just not work forever" she said. "Honestly, I still feel like I'm skipping out school, like I should be in maths or science class now instead of walking around looking in shops."

God….she was so _young. _He knew she really wasn't still young enough to still be in school anymore but she was young enough, practically a baby compared to him. He thought about some of his traveling thoughts he had had in the nights when she slept and he was lonely with the TARDIS only as company; if there was a hell, he was going to it.

"Don't really want to work in a shop" Rose was going, unaware of his wayward thoughts. "I don't guess I'm qualified to do anything else, though." She turned to him suddenly. "What do you do?"

"I told you, I don't have a job" The Doctor said. He'd never done something as mundane as work unless he'd been stuck somewhere for extended periods.

"I know that…..but you also said you were 37…..you've had to do something at some point" Rose said. "So…..what was it?"

"Well…..I used to be a teacher" the Doctor said uncomfortably. It wasn't a lie…..he'd at least posed as teachers before while he needed information.

Rose seemed to light up and the Doctor had no idea why. "Oooh…a teacher" she said, bouncing on her feet "Were you a mean teacher or a nice one?"

"I wouldn't set out to be a mean one" the Doctor said; he didn't try to be a mean anything.

"But I bet if I was being a nasty little shit you'd bring out your teacher voice?" Rose said with a wicked smile, her tongue making an appearance in her teeth again.

The Doctor felt a strange sensation go through him as an errant thought of a Rose in pig tails went through his head; yep, definitely going to Hell. "Well, yeah" the Doctor agreed, clearing his throat discreetly. "I couldn't just let you disrupt class"

Rose smiled and continued to walk. When they had walked a few more minutes, snow began to snow fall slowly from the sky. It took less than a minute before it had gained speed and was snowing heavily.

"Oh, John…..look! Snow! It's so beautiful" Rose said, holding out her arms and twirling around.

The Doctor smiled, watching as the snow clung to Rose as she twirled like a dancer who had found her song. "Yes it is" he said, his two hearts beating a little faster.


	6. Chapter 6

The Doctor brushed the snow off of him as he walked to TARDIS; without Rose around the snow was much less charming. He made his way to the TARDIS quickly, eager to get inside to the warmth of it and try to pass out in sleep. He felt tired even though he could go longer without sleep; what was the point when he wasn't going anywhere anyway?

The Doctor stepped into the TARDIS, glad for her warmth and comfort. He was already feeling his loneliness and loss press upon him and he had only dropped Rose off back at her house 10 minutes ago at the most. The Doctor could feel the TARDIS' own sense of longing and he was aware of, for the first time, how much she was affected. He could feel keenly the TARDIS' sense of sorrow and loss at missing Rose. She loved Rose too.

"Just you and me old girl, for a while" The Doctor said lovingly as he ran his hand along her console. "Rose still doesn't remember us…I guess we'll just have to keep each other company for a while longer."

An image, much like the ones he'd been trying to keep at bay all day sprang into his head; not of his bidding but the TARDIS'. "Oi! I didn't mean keep each other company like _that" _the Doctor chided the TARDIS and she backed off of his mind. "Sorry…I just miss her" he said, leaning on the console. He felt a calming energy like a hug wrap around him and he thanked the TARDIS telepathically.

_I miss her too…._The TARDIS seemed to say, _I'm sorry I hurt her….._

_You didn't hurt her…_The Doctor thought bitterly, _I tried to save her….but I just made her desperate. She didn't know what she was doing when she looked into you. _

_I love her, _the TARDIS admitted in rare fashion.

_I love her too, _the Doctor admitted even rarer, leaning his head down on the console and taking in the comfort of the fact that at least he had her to share his pain with.

…

Rose was content that night as she slipped out of her clothes into her pyjamas. She was tired; the day out, though easy going , had tired her more than she had imagined and she was ready be back at full strength. She slipped into bed, thinking about the day and was mostly satisfied with it. It been good to spend the day with John again; he was beginning to feel less and less like a stranger and more like her friend and she was thankful for that. Rose pulled the covers up to her chin, clutching a pillow to her as she watched the snow falling outside her window. John was the one thing that seemed to make sense right now even though in contrast he made absolutely no sense at all. She didn't know him, technically even though she knew that she did in a reality that didn't make any sense to her yet. But even so, she trusted him and she liked spending time with him. She mentally chided herself for breaking down on him; weeping and sobbing into his chest was unacceptable. She just felt so…muddled inside her head. Her emotions were so high and mixed up; she could be so sad one minuet and then fine the next. She was often overtaken by sudden bursts of anxiety and fear that seemed almost overwhelming. Aside from these troubling issues, the issues with her memory were a constant reminder. Her dreams were strange and she couldn't help but think that the yellow light and blue box in her dreams were somehow tied to what she forgotten even though it made no sense. And while her mum and John were kind to her about what she didn't remember, she was still convinced that they were hiding things from her. She couldn't imagine why they would hide things about her own memories; she tried not to think about it that much. Her mind felt so busy in times like this when it was quiet and she had to consider her situation; it wasn't really surprising that she had lost it earlier with John. But that didn't make it acceptable; she didn't want him to think that she was weak or childish. Tears could be for moments like this when she was alone. Almost off handily, Rose thought about crying now but the sadness had passed and she simply allowed her eyes to shut and drift off to sleep.

…

The Doctor walked the short distance from where he had parked the TARDIS to Rose's flat, his feet sinking into the deep, fresh snow that had accumulated last night. Normally, he would have been miffed about the snow, sinking through his shoes and making his socks and feet wet. But right now he was simply too excited about seeing Rose. It was hard, this new arraignment. He and Rose had been essentially living together for close to a year now and to have to spend long stretches of night knowing she was not just right down the hall from him was tough. The nights were long and without anything to distract him it made for very tedious nights. He was used to running right from one adventure to the next and all this time of sitting around not doing anything was making him soon come to hate the long drawn out hours of the night. Last night he had done little else than wander the halls and ended up in Rose's room, clutching the pillow on her bed that smelled too much like her, wishing he could have one of her heart melting hugs. He had tried to force himself to sleep just to pass the mundane time but he had slept for less than an hour before he gave up.

The Doctor knocked on Rose's door, trying to stifle the excitement that was bubbling inside him so that it wasn't blatantly obvious on his face. A few days ago the idea that he would be overjoyed to sit around in Rose's flat watching telly and eating take out would have sounded crazy to him. Now it was all that he wanted to do.

Rose opened the door, a smile on her face. The Doctor could hear a lot of noise behind her and he wondered what was going on; perhaps she would be too busy to hang out with him today. "Hi, John" she said, greeting in her tone. She smiled, a smile too big simply from seeing him.

"Hi, Rose" he said, giving her a small smile and resisting the urge to hug her like he normally would when they had been apart for a while. He also had to remind himself that they hadn't been apart long.

"Come on in" Rose said cordially, moving aside so the Doctor could slip into the flat. The sight he was greeted with when he stepped into the room made his wander's hearts clench. The living room in the flat was exploding with boxes of Christmas decorations, Jackie putting up a Christmas tree in the corner. Awkwardly festive music was playing through the CD player and the Doctor felt the urge to run. Sitting around doing nothing with Rose was one thing; full blown holiday festivities with Rose and Jackie was a completely different story.

"Ah…..John" Jackie said, pausing just long enough that it was obvious to him that she just barely caught herself from saying Doctor. "Just the man we need…you can help us put on the star" Jackie held out a silver star toward him. "There's some eggnog on the table if you'd like some"

The Doctor cringed inwardly; he could still run. He could think of an excuse and leave. But then what would he do? He couldn't imagine going back and sitting in the TARDIS but he also knew he didn't want to go anywhere without Rose. Christmas lights, ornaments, eggnog, the sound of Bing Crosby's voice…..it was all so _domestic. _The Doctor shuddered; he looked from Jackie handing him the star to Rose's hopeful smiling face beside him.

"You're so tall you probably wouldn't even have to stretch to reach it" Rose said optimistically as she got some ornaments out of a box. The second that he saw her smile, the Doctor knew it was pointless trying to fight the domesticity of the situation. This was not a time that he could simply entice her away with the promise of future adventure.

The Doctor took the star with a smile. "I'm sure I can get it on there, no problem" he said, leaning forward and putting the star on the top of the tree. He honestly didn't understand why humans were so infatuated with putting fake stars on trees inside their house at Christmas but then again humans did a lot of strange things.

"Well, now it's perfect" Rose said, looking up at the star. The Doctor turned around and found Rose was thrusting a mug of some vile yellowish liquid into his hands.

"What is _that? "_he asked, looking at the mug with skepticism.

Rose laughed, taking it back. "It's eggnog…honestly, John, sometimes I think you are an alien" she said. Rose was too busy laughing to notice the shared glance between Jackie and the Doctor.

"Well, I never claimed to be normal, boring being normal" The Doctor said, crouching down on the floor and taking ornaments out of the box with Rose.

"I suppose that you have a point" Rose said, hanging a red ball on the tree. "So, is your house decorated for Christmas?"

It was simple statements such as these served to remind the Doctor how little Rose actually knew about him; reminded him how lost she still was. "Oh…I'm not one for decorating" he said good naturally as he could. "Bachelor like me doesn't need a big tree to himself"

"I could help you maybe" Rose said thoughtfully as she began to string tinsel on the tree. Panic rang inside the Doctor's head; he wondered how long he could put off Rose wanting to see his nonexistent house. What excuses could he make up when the time came?

"Well, after we get this whole place decorated, I might be all Christmased out" the Doctor joked.

Rose smiled. "There's no such thing as too much Christmas" she said. "Don't tell me you're a Grinch"

"What's a grinch?" The Doctor asked unassumingly. Honestly it sounded like something terrible to call someone.

Rose giggled and the Doctor found that he didn't even care if she had called him a horrible name. "John…you _have _got to be an alien" she said. The Doctor forced himself to smile and not looked stunned. This might be a long day of domestics…..

….

"Well, that is just about perfect" Rose said, one of her hands rubbing her forehead (her aching head, the Doctor knew) as she surveyed the completely decorated Christmas tree.

"I'd say you're definitely ready for Christmas" the Doctor commented, looking at the ample Christmas ornaments hanging on the tree. Though he didn't understand much of the holiday traditions (including Jackie's poor excuse for Christmas fudge) he had to admit that it wasn't as bad as he thought, being so domestic.

"I love Christmas" Rose said with a faraway glance at the decorations on the tree, studying them too much as if she was remembering. She kept rubbing her hand across her head and by the pale expression on her face he could tell her head was killing her. He knew better than to comment on it; he had mentioned it twice already and she had said that she was alright. He didn't press the issue. Rose flopped down into the large armchair, giving a glance back at the kitchen where Jackie was making tea. The Doctor took a seat on the couch, watching Rose who was trying to stifle a yawn as she caught him looking at her; she needed a nap.

"You don't like Christmas" Rose said, staring at him as if studying him.

"What makes you say that?" The Doctor asked curiously. Maybe he hadn't enjoyed such festivities for a while but since meeting Rose he was enjoying such frivolous things more like he used to. _Before the war…._

"It seems to be a little foreign to you" Rose said. "I was just making a guess…you don't act like you have any Christmas traditions. Besides" she said with a laugh, "you didn't even know who the Grinch was"

The Doctor shrugged. "My family didn't really celebrate Christmas" he said. It was the truth, kind of; they didn't have Christmas on Gallifrey.

"Do you not see any of your family anymore?" Rose asked, her face growing paler by the second, her voice more serious.

"I don't want to talk about my family" the Doctor said in a clipped tone before he could stop himself. He saw Rose's face drop instantly.

"Oh, sorry….." Rose said, looking away. As Jackie came in with the tea and set it on the table, Rose was laying her head back on the back of the chair, white as sheet, her eyes clenched tightly. It made the Doctor begin to ache to see her in such obvious pain; she'd had such a good day yesterday but it was obvious that she was not having a good day today.

"Rose….are you alright?" The Doctor asked. Even though she had said that she was before he knew it had gotten worse since then. Jackie noticed Rose's obvious distress.

"You need me to get you something for your head?" Jackie asked.

Rose's hands were both on her forehead, looking as if wanted to say something but she couldn't. But a moment later Rose crumpled, clenching her head with both hands, calling out in pain. The Doctor rushed forward the second that Jackie moved next to Rose.

"What is it, Rose? What's going on?" Jackie asked nervously, watching her daughter with concern on her face.

Rose didn't answer, her eyes continued to be clenched as she called out. Jackie turned her gaze on the Doctor.

"What's wrong with her?" she asked urgently in a low voice so that only the Doctor could hear her.

"I don't know" he said. He hated saying that but he didn't have any idea what Rose was experiencing. This whole thing was unfortunately new to him. The only way he could tell anything would be to make a telepathic connection with her; he was just about to throw all caution to the wind and do just that for fear of Rose's health when she suddenly stopped screaming and fell back on the chair, her eyes filled with fear and fixed on the Doctor and Jackie.

"Rose…..what happened?" Jackie asked, gentle worry in her voice. She looked up into Rose's pale face searching.

"It hurt so badly" Rose said, her voice cracking slightly as she rubbed her temple gently. "It was feeling better but now….it's hurting worse." She paused, as if having a hard time speaking. "Light…there was so much light, it was like it was filling my head" She looked at the Doctor and he felt like she could see through him. "It had something to do with my accident" It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes" the Doctor said, a small flame of hope rising in his chest. Maybe she was getting close to remembering. She obviously remembered the time vortex at least a little bit. "Do you remember anything? Or was it just the light that you saw?"

"No" Rose said, frustration on her face. "Something else…that stupid blue box that's always in my dreams now. I saw that though I have no idea why" She looked seriously at the Doctor. "I'm going mad aren't I?"

It took every ounce of self-control that the Doctor had not to leap up in happiness; she was seeing and dreaming about the TARDIS. Her memories were still inside her head; they weren't forgotten completely. The hope that those memories were beginning to resurface surged inside his hearts. "No…..you're not mad" the Doctor said encouragingly. He wanted to take her hand but he didn't; it wouldn't be right yet. "Rose…..what does this blue box look like?"

Rose looked confused. "I don't know….it's just a big blue wooden box" she said. "It's nothing, it's nonsense"

"It's not nonsense" The Doctor said gently.

"Yes it is" Rose said defensively. Her face flushed as if she was embarrassed. "It's just a stupid dream…..it doesn't mean anything"

"But if you're starting to remember-"The Doctor started before Rose cut her off.

"I'm not remembering!" Rose said in frustration. "I can't remember anything useful…..just these rubbish dreams!"

Rose got off the chair and pushed past the Doctor and Jackie. She ran down the hallway and a moment later they heard a door slam.


	7. Chapter 7

_Thank you to all my kindly readers...please review :)_

The Doctor remained still, unsure what to do. He wanted to follow Rose but he didn't know if he should. He knew that Rose's dreams were memories but if he told her that it was important he would have to try to explain why and he couldn't do that. He wanted so much to tell her, to do whatever he could to help her remember quicker. But he couldn't push her and he knew that; she was obviously already scared and confused.

"She remembers the TARDIS" Jackie said absently beside the Doctor, rousing his thoughts toward her. He turned toward her, seeing a hopeful glint in her eyes.

"Yeah" the Doctor said, his own hope slightly deflated. "Without being able to tell her anything it won't help her much to remember it. It must all seem like craziness to her."

Jackie nodded thoughtfully. "Are you sure there's nothing you can do?" she asked. "Rose asked so many questions the first day or so but after that she has seemed scared to bring it up. It's like she's avoiding the subject completely so she doesn't have to face it."

The Doctor knew the only thing that he could do was try to connect with Rose's mind and see if he could help guide her toward her memories. But he wasn't sure how to convince her to let him do that; posing the idea of bringing their minds together would sound crazy to her. "Let me go talk to her" the Doctor said. "Maybe she remembers more than she's telling. I know she doesn't want to talk about it but maybe I can get her to open up a little more"

Jackie seemed reluctant for a moment but she nodded. "Worth a try" she said, getting up from her place on the floor and sitting in the chair Rose had occupied. She looked up at him with a caring, motherly expression he had never seen directed his way. "I know you want her to remember more than I do. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. Rose still remembers me and I still wish she would get her memory back"

The Doctor nodded stiffly but didn't say anything. If he dwelled too much on it then he would remember how painful it was. He walked down the hallway toward Rose's room, knocking softly. Rose didn't answer at first.

"Rose…..it's me…John" The Doctor said, "Can I come in?"

There was a long pause. "What for?" she asked. She sounded tired and distressed.

"Because I want to talk to you…..make sure you're alright" The Doctor said honestly.

There was another long stretch of silence. "Okay….come in" she said finally.

The Doctor opened the door and walked into Rose's room to see her sitting up on her bed, hastily stuffing a stuffed teddy bear under her pillow. He stifled a smile but pretended to not notice. He walked over to Rose's bed and sat down on the edge, watching her. She looked terribly tired and confused.

"I'm fine….really I'm fine" she said hastily before the Doctor could say anything. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Are you sure?" The Doctor asked. "You….scared me and your mum. We just don't want you to be in pain"

"I'm fine" Rose said even though it was obviously a lie. "It's just a headache"

The Doctor paused, not wanting to push Rose. "But what you saw, just now….." he said.

Rose pulled her knees up to her chest, looking small and vulnerable. "It doesn't matter" she said quietly. "Until I remember something useful, it doesn't matter"

"What if I told you I think everything you remember is important?" The Doctor asked. "Even if it doesn't seem important, it is."

"I'm not sure how seeing a bunch of bright light in my dreams every night could possibly be helpful" Rose said discouraged.

"Your mind wouldn't keep bringing it up unless it mattered" the Doctor said. "Might not seem too important now but it will somehow make sense when this all ends"

Rose was quiet, staring at her knees to avoid looking at him. "If you say so" she said unenthusiastically.

The Doctor wanted to propose the idea of searching through her memories but he could tell now was not the time. She looked like she was about to fall over with fatigue. "Rose, why don't you take a nap?" he suggested. "We can talk more tomorrow"

Rose shook her head vigorously. "I don't want to" she said. "Really, let's just forget this all happened and go back into the living room. No need to ruin the Christmas spirit with a simple headache"

The Doctor smiled slightly; leave it to Rose to always put on a brave face for everyone else. "Rose, you're obviously exhausted. Sleep, it will be good for you" the Doctor said. "There's nothing wrong with needing some down time."

Rose looked at the Doctor for a moment before quickly looking away. "No, really…its fine" she said. She was obviously uncomfortable.

"Do your dreams scare you?" the Doctor asked. If Rose was dreaming about the time vortex it could be very alarming.

"No" Rose said quickly and too defensively. "It doesn't scare me…..it just wakes me up a lot."

"Is there…..anything I can do to help you sleep?" he asked. After it was out of his mouth it seemed like a terribly intimate thing to say. He wasn't sure what it was that he could do to help her sleep; the only thing that he could think of was to try to keep the dreams at bay with his telepathy. That was hardly an appropriate thing to ask or do.

"No….." Rose said, looking at him shyly, her face blushing. "It's fine, really. I'll just stay up"

"You'll do no such thing" the Doctor said with playful firmness, pushing her down so she was lying on the bed. "You need sleep, doctor's orders"

He was glad when Rose gave him a small smile. "Doctor's orders?" she asked with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you were a teacher, not a doctor"

The Doctor smiled, finding it impossible to resist when Rose was smiling. "Either way, that means you have to listen to me" he said. He pulled a quilt over Rose, tucking around her slightly but not enough for it to be awkward. Rose settled down into the pillow, her eyes heavy. "I'm not a child" she said, wanting to fight his order but also not too tired to fight it.

The Doctor just grinned down at her as she looked very much like a child. "I know" he said with a nod. "But you go to sleep anyway"

Rose pulled the blanket up to her chin and opened her eyes slightly to look at him. "Can you…" she started to say but she stopped herself.

"Can I what?" the Doctor asked quickly. Anything he could do to help ease her pain, he would do.

Rose looked embarrassed and she closed her eyes. "Can you stay here…..until I go to sleep?" she asked.

The Doctor felt a warmness spreading through his hearts, the kind that he had not known for a long time before had met Rose. For a moment, it seemed like nothing was wrong. It was the kind of request that Rose might have made before all of this happened. She might not remember him but he remembered everything about her and he couldn't possibly refuse. "Of course, Rose" he said. "I'll stay with you and chase the nightmares away." He tucked the covers around Rose a little tighter. "You just relax and don't think about any of this…just drift off and try to have happy dreams"

Rose smiled against her pillow. "Not a kid….." she said, though her smile suggested that she was happy by his actions.

"Go to sleep" the Doctor said in a fake grumble and Rose smiled as she settled in to sleep.

…

He was not going to look; he most certainly wasn't going to look. It was wrong…..it wasn't right; and yet it was _so tempting…._

Rose had long since been asleep and yet the Doctor remained perched on the edge of her bed watching her sleep (much to Jackie's alarm). He couldn't just go back to the TARDIS and sit around; no doubt the TARDIS would enjoy the company but he wasn't going to leave Rose yet. He knew eventually Jackie would throw him out but for as long as he could he would watch the gentle rhythm of Rose's breath, her face calm, her blonde hair creating a halo around her head. Now that her calm face was turning distressed and her eyes moved quickly under their lids he was torn between leaving Rose's thoughts private and doing what he had said and keep her dreams sweet.

It wouldn't disturb Rose; in fact it was the exact opposite. She would sleep calmly and she would not even know he had done it. But it wasn't right; it was an invasion of privacy, downright rude to look into someone's mind without their consent. His people would have had rules against that. But they weren't here and as he saw Rose's face grow more and more alarmed he couldn't resist.

The Doctor scooted closer to Rose on the bed, his hands hesitating before touching her head. He had thought about touching Rose this way before; what it might be like to see her mind. He had never quite pictured it like this; doing it without her knowledge to protect her from her own memory. He needed to see, wanted to see what was going on inside her mind and hopefully find a way that he might be able to help her come back to him. Pushing back his guilt and the feeling that he was doing something wrong, he put his hands on Rose's head and let his mind calm and focus.

Instantly, he could see why Rose couldn't remember anything; her mind was in turmoil. The power of the time vortex still remained in her head. The energy swirled from one center of her brain to the other, blocking him from seeing much of her memories himself. It was no wonder that she couldn't remember; in fact he was surprised that she hadn't lost more of her memory. The Doctor could help remove the energy but Rose would have to be awake to try to get toward her memories. It wouldn't be an easy process and he was sure that she would think him a nutter for even suggesting it. But at this point he could see that it was the only way she would get her memory back. Until that energy was gone she wouldn't be able to make her way back to him.

For now, there wasn't much the Doctor could do. The one thing that he could do was give Rose the sweet sleep he had promised her. He focused on the part of her brain that was creating her dreams and stilled it, protecting it from the energy of time that her human brain was coping with better than it should have been.

Once the Doctor felt Rose's mind calm down, he pulled his mind away, feeling colder now that it was empty. Though the experience had hardly been what he normally would have expected when touching minds with someone else, it had been a taste of what he remembered when his people were present. His mind had been cold and empty for a long time. Even though he tried not to, he found himself longing for a time that he could touch Rose' mind more freely.

The Doctor leaned forward and allowed himself to do something that he only would do when he was sure that Rose was asleep. He pressed a small kiss to her forehead as her face relaxed and her dreams calmed. "Sweet dreams, my beautiful Rose" he said in the quietest voice he could speak.

….

When Rose woke up she instantly found herself searching her room for John but he wasn't there. She really didn't expect him to be but she still wanted him to be there. The light from her window suggested that it was evening, meaning she had slept for a few hours. Rose pushed herself up in bed, sitting for a moment as she regained her bearings.

Her sleep had been calm and without the strange dreams that disturbed her. She thought about John's words "I'll stay with you and chase the nightmares away"; somehow he actually had. Rose wished desperately that she could remember the past they had had together because she was beginning to think that they had been something else other than friends. She wasn't assuming that they had been a couple but something was there that wasn't just normal mates. He was so kind, so careful with her; he almost seemed to take care of her. Rose knew she could be imagining it, but she didn't want to think she was. The stirring in her stomach when she thought about seeing John again was scary when she didn't understand if she should be allowed to have those feelings or not. She blushed when she thought about her boldness in asking him to stay with her while she slept; what had she been thinking? But then again, he _had _stayed. And somehow he had kept her from having those dreams.

Rose got up and walked into the living room where her mum was sitting. She looked around, vainly still hoping to see John but he wasn't there. Her mum noticed her hanging around close to the couch motioned her over. "Come here, sweetheart" she said as she pulled back the blanket that was over her legs back and slid over to make room for her. Rose walked over and sat down on the couch next to her mum as she put the cover over the both of them. She felt comfortable and safe, the way she used to when they would sit like this and watch cartoons. She almost wished she could go back to that time when things were simple and easy.

"How are you feeling?" her mum asked gently.

Rose stared at the blinking lights on the tree, letting herself get lost in them. "I'm alright…..sorry to make you worry" she said.

"Who said I was worried?" Jackie asked incredulously and Rose had to smile at her attempt to act strong.

"John" Rose said, putting her hand over her mother's but resting the urge to move closer to her. "He said you two were worried about me"

"Alright, you caught me" she relented. "Of course I'm worried about you. The headaches…..and I didn't know you were having nightmares"

"They aren't really nightmares" Rose said quickly, staring down at her and Jackie's hands. "They are just uncomfortable"

"You can tell me stuff like that, you know" her mum said, "You don't have to hide it"

"I'm not hiding it. I just didn't feel like sharing it with anyone" Rose argued.

"You told John" her mum said in a slightly hurt tone. "I'm assuming that's the reason he cozied up to you in your sleep"

Rose felt her cheeks warm and she was glad her back was to Jackie so she couldn't see that. She didn't know how to explain to her mum that she just felt safe and the need to be open with John. She didn't want to say that she was the one that had asked him to stay. "I only told him after what happened today" Rose said in defense. "And he wasn't cozied up to me"

"Whatever you say" her mum said, her tone unconvinced. She hugged Rose to her and Rose felt a wave of calm run through her. At least this was simple and familiar.

"I wasn't trying to keep anything from you" Rose said after a long moment.

"I know" her mum said. "It's just easier to open to that tall, mysterious leather clad clown, right?"

"Mum, stop" Rose said in embarrassment, her cheeks flooding again.

Her mum giggled behind her. "I will not…..embarrassing you is my job"


	8. Chapter 8

Rose stood in front of the mirror, brushing her hair for the one hundredth time, trying and failing to get her hair perfect. She gave up, putting the brush on the counter and turning her attention to her outfit. She had picked the jumper out because it was flattering on her frame but now it just seemed tight, like she was trying too hard.

"Rose! John's here" she heard Jackie's voice call out in the hallway. Well, no time to change now…..

Rose opened the door and emerged from the bathroom. She didn't know why she was putting so much effort into her appearance. It couldn't be the same reason that her heart seemed to beating faster now that she saw John sitting on the couch. Her mum gave her a small hug before disappearing out the door for the day.

"Morning, Rose" John said, his eyes bright and his face calm.

"Good morning" Rose said, sticking her hands in her pockets. She debated for a moment where to sit before settling down on the couch beside him.

"How are you feeling today?" John asked in his warm, cheery tone.

"Much better than yesterday" Rose said, patting her hands on knees for lack of anything else to do.

"Sleep well?" he asked in genuine concern.

_Not as well as I did when you were next to me, _Rose thought and felt her cheeks blush, glad he couldn't read her mind. "No strange dreams" Rose said, giving John smile. "It appears you must have worked your magic on me"

John smiled. "Shhh…..Rose, you can't go telling people my secret" he said in jest, looking around the living room as if he was afraid someone might be listening in. "If other people find out I'm a magician, then they'll want me to fix their nightmares too."

Rose laughed softly at his joke. "I'll try to keep it under wraps" she said with a wink. Rose leaned over and grabbed the remote for the telly but before she could turn it on, John put his hand on hers to stop her. His hand felt cool to the touch but somehow it made her warm up.

"Rose, before we do anything else, can I talk to you about something?" John asked, his jesting gone and looking serious.

Rose felt her curiosity pique, mixing with worry and anticipation. "Sure…..what is it?" she asked, fighting to keep her voice even.

John paused as if stealing himself up. "I think I might be able to do something that might help you get your memory back" he said, seriousness in his eyes as he looked at Rose.

Rose felt a soaring in her heart and couldn't help but smile. She had felt in such turmoil ever since she had lost her memory and at this point she felt like she would do anything to get it back. "You can?" she asked hopefully. "What is it?"

John hesitated again and Rose didn't know how he could possibly not want to divulge this information at once. Anything that could help her get back her memories of the past two years, including her memories of him, had to be a good thing. "This is going to sound a little crazy, but I'm going to need you to keep an open mind" he said warily.

Rose was bursting to know what he could possibly do to help. "Whatever it is, I'll try it" Rose said honestly. "I'll try anything that can help me get my memories back. What is it?"

John took a deep breath before speaking. "There's a mind relaxation technique I'm familiar with" he said. "It's helped me process things and remember things before. I think it might help you find your way back to the part of your mind that has your memories in it"

"Mind relaxation? Like some sort of yoga technique?" Rose asked. It didn't sound that bad. She didn't know why he was so reluctant to share.

John tilted his head from side to side as if thinking about it. "Sort of" he said finally. "You relax your mind and I help you navigate back to where you need to go"

Rose now could see why he was sort of hesitant. "You guide me?" she asked. "Like you can see inside my head?"

"Sort of" he said slowly as if he was afraid that she might explode.

"How can you see inside my thoughts? Are you like some sort mind reader?" Rose asked. For some reason and she wasn't sure why, she felt like she wouldn't be surprised to hear him say that he was a mind reader.

"No" John said quickly. "I'm not a mind reader at all…this is a complicated technique and even so, I will only be able to help you clear your mind. I won't be seeing your thoughts"

Rose had been so ready to jump at whatever it was that John was proposing but now the idea seemed scary. She was, of course, still going to do it because she was desperate to get her memory back, but she was less whiling now. Even though John said he wouldn't see her thoughts, she was scared of him seeing anything inside her mind. "But…..how?" she asked "How can you do this?"

John smiled and the simple act made her calm more than she should have. "The human mind is a miraculous thing…and I've had a lot of practice" he said.

Ever since Rose had woken and found herself without all of her memories, she had found herself wondering who exactly this strange but intriguing man was and this was no exception. She had a million questions about him, how he knew things like this. She felt like she shouldn't trust him so easily but she did. "Alright…I….suppose I'll do it" she said slowly.

"If you don't want to, we don't have to" John said, sensing her hesitancy.

"No" Rose said quickly. "I'm okay with it…..just a little nervous. I mean, how exactly do you go about looking into my head?"

"I'm not looking into your head" John insisted, "I simply guiding it in the right direction"

"Right" Rose said, feeling a nervous tinge in her belly and was glad that she hadn't eaten breakfast yet. "Well…..I'd do just about anything to get my memory back, so….I guess we should go for it"

John smiled and Rose felt it warm her. "I'm glad you trust me to do this…..I know it must not be easy"

Rose smiled back nervously. "We're mates right? How can I not trust you?" she said and was awarded with one of John's goofy grins.

"Right" he said happily. "And I promise you'll always have a reason to trust me"

John turned so that he was sitting on the couch facing her. Rose pulled her legs up and sat so that she was looking at him. Her stomach did another flip flop and her palms began to sweat from her anxiety of the situation. "So…..what do I do?" she asked, ready to get the suspense of the moment over with.

"You don't have to do much at all" John assured her. "It's mostly me. I'll warn you though; this isn't going to be an instant cure to your memory loss. It'll probably take a while"

"That's alright" Rose said. "Anything that helps, even in a little measure, is worth it"

John nodded. "Okay…I'm going to put my hands on your head right here" he said as he put his fingers gently on her temples. "I just need you to close your eyes, make your mind as still as possible."

Rose very much hoped that John was telling the truth when he said that he wasn't reading her mind because as he put his hands on her head and leaned a little closer her mind was anything but still. She could sense her heart beating faster, could think of little else but his proximity. After allowing her mind to run away for a few moments, she forced herself to breathe slowly and make her mind still.

"Good" John said encouragingly as her mind became calm again. "Now, I'm going to gently nudge your mind, okay?"

Rose felt herself tense involuntarily. "Okay" she said even though she had no idea what to expect. Suddenly, her mind was filled with the bright yellow light, the one that made her wake up at night and frightened her in her headaches. This time it was different though; it was like she could _feel _her mind be touched. She heard herself gasp at the slight touch.

"Are you okay, Rose?" John asked. "I can stop if you need me to"

"No…..I'm alright…" Rose said. "Just…..just what is that light?"

"That's what is blocking your memories" John explained. "We are going to try to navigate through that to get to what we need to. To do that, you're going to have to fully face it"

Rose felt fear at the prospect at facing this strange force in her mind. She didn't understand it and facing it was going to be difficult. "How am I going to do that?" she asked.

"Instead of pulling back from that force" John said, "you need to push toward it. Can you do that? Imagine yourself running toward it rather than from it"

Rose wasn't sure exactly how to do it; she imagined herself in her mind's eye and began to run toward the light. The light got brighter and brighter until a sharp pain hit her temples and she pulled back. "Sorry" she said, finding herself looking at John sitting inches from her. She rubbed her head, but the pain was already subsiding. The excretion in her mind made her felt mentally fatigued.

"Don't be sorry, you did really well" John said encouragingly. "You're a pro at this"

Rose laughed. "Sure" she said unconvinced. "Do we go again?"

John nodded. "You can probably have one more go at it" he said. "I wouldn't do more than that though, it can be mentally exhausting."

"Well, if I've got one more go, then let's go for it" Rose said. If she didn't jump in head first then she might lose her nerve.

John's hands went back to Rose's temples, making her shiver slightly. She braced for the strange feeling and it came a moment later; her mind filled with bright yellow light and she urged her consciousness toward it, pictured herself running toward it. She felt pain in her head as she started to run toward it but she forced herself to keep going. A small spot began to open up into the light, almost like it was being pulled away. Rose kept forcing it, the small spot getting bigger and bigger until her mind forced herself to stop and she and John pulled back.

A curse broke from Rose's mouth as she put her hands to her head; it was splitting in pain.

"Are you okay Rose?" John asked in concern, still sitting only inches from her but Rose could hardly see him because of the darkness creeping into the edges of her vision because of the pain. She felt tears sting at the corners of her eyes but she forced them to stay in her eyes where they belonged.

"Yeah…..m'fine" Rose mumbled. She really didn't feel fine but she was tired of drawing attention to her stupid broken head.

"Here, I can help" John said. A second later Rose felt John's cool hands on her own, moving them out of the way. He put his fingers on her head again and she tensed for the wave of light but it didn't come. Instead, John began to massage her temples with his fingers gently. The calming feeling didn't just stay in her skin but seemed to flow deeply into her head, making the pain subside. Rose crumpled slightly, so relaxed from the lack of pain and the relaxation going through her. She was vaguely aware that she grabbed John's arms at one point to steady herself but she couldn't be bothered to care.

All too soon, John's hands left Rose's head. "Feel better?" he asked.

Rose's eyes lazily opened and she found her face only inches from John's. She saw her hands still holding onto him and though she felt like she could stay like this, she also thought maybe she shouldn't. Rose sat up, removing her hands. "Yes…..yes, much better" she said.

"Good…..I'm glad you're alright" John said. "I thought it might have been too much. You really pushed that last time"

"What exactly was all that?" Rose asked. She knew that John had said that it was a relaxation technique but it still just seemed so …strange? Weird? Unnatural? It really had felt like something was in her head; she wasn't sure if she should be afraid of that or not.

"What was what?" John asked.

"That thing you just did….I know you said it was a mind relaxation technique but it just seems so….strange" Rose said.

John seemed to pull back slightly in his continence. "Are you worried by it?" he asked. "Did it bother you?"

Rose shrugged, rubbing her arms to ward off a chill. "Not worried about it, per se" she said. "I just…feel…..exposed".

"We don't have to do it" John said quickly. "If you're uncomfortable, we can stop"

"That's not really what I want" Rose said just as quickly. "If it will really help me, I want to do it. I just…." Rose stopped to ponder what she was thinking. What did she feel? She trusted John but at the same time, she didn't. She'd felt like he was holding back from the time that she had woken up and 'met' him again. How could she trust that he was alright to be inside her mind? She felt very exposed while he was still very much a mystery.

"You're worried about me poking in your head?" John supplied at her long pause. "I told you though, I'm not poking around in your head"

"I know" Rose said, feeling embarrassed. "I just…I mean, its weird…this"

"What about me isn't weird?" John asked with a wide smile. Somehow it broke the tension and Rose smiled.

"I suppose you're right" she relented. "I'll get used to it"

John smiled, pleased. Rose was surprised when he took off his leather jacket which seemed to be his constant companion as he reached for the remote. "Well, seeing as you did such a good job on this first round, I'd say you deserve the right to pick what we watch" He tossed Rose the remote.

Rose let out a laugh and rolled her eyes. "How very generous of you"

….

The Doctor could distantly hear that the movie they had been watching had ended, but he had long since stopped paying attention to it. His attention was much more focused on the woman who was sleeping on his shoulder. Rose's eyes had begun to drift downward and it hadn't taken long before she had fallen asleep, slumping onto his shoulder. He knew that she was exhausted from the work that she had done on her memory and he was only too eager to be her pillow during this improptuned nap. He watched her every small movement as if it was the greatest in entertainment, because to him, it was. Having Rose close was the best he could get these days.

Rose stirred in her sleep, one of her hands grasping at the sleeve of his jumper and the Doctor was sure that both of his hearts stopped beating. She nuzzled against him before she became still again. Her breathing was easy, her face calm; she was having a peaceful sleep.

He was surprised that Rose wasn't more bothered by the idea of him helping her restore her memories; he was even more bothered by the fact that she so easily was drawn away from her questions, that he could sway her away that easily. He was glad because he wanted her to get her memories back as soon as possible. It was obvious that she wanted that too; she wouldn't have pushed so hard had she not. It was probably the reason she so easily went along with his schemes. He didn't know if it was because she was in a younger mindset or it was because she thought he was a human and not a strange alien but she seemed to trust him more now than she had before. It scared him; if her progress during this session was any indication, she was going to start remembering soon. But she was not likely she was going to remember everything at once and he feared her reaction when she began to see him for what he was really was. Guilt twisted in his stomach at the lies that he had told her even though he knew it was necessary. He couldn't guarantee that she would think it necessary also.

Rose stirred deeper in her sleep, clutching his sleeve hard before leaning over so that she had fallen more into his lap than she was out of it. Her hands curled over his knee, her head resting on top as she curled up, sleeping on him like he was a pillow. The Doctor felt something deep and warm stirring below his stomach at the sudden proximity and his throat tightened in an odd way. She looked so peaceful and at ease in her sleep and it conjured all sorts of emotions in him. She was so close physically and yet so far away mentally. There was the potential that she could remember soon but even if she did there was no certainty that they would be as close as they once were and they might never be as close as he wanted them to be.

As the Doctor started down at the unconscious form of Rose curled up in his lap, the memory of his lips pressed against Rose's the day she lost her memory came to his mind. He didn't want it there but once it was, it was hard to get past. It made his throat dry and his hearts beat faster; despite the fact that he was alone with his thoughts he felt a distinct blush come to his cheeks. It was the last thing that he needed to be thinking about; the last thing he needed to be concerned about. He needed first and foremost to be concerned about Rose getting her memory back.

But as the Doctor looked down at her, reaching his hand down to smooth the hair out of her face, he knew he was concerned about that. He missed holding her hand, he missed hugging her; it was like a deep ache inside his chest like extreme hunger he couldn't satisfy. He missed all the touches that they had shared and he longed for the ones that they had never had but he wanted to have. As he rubbed his hands along her forehead, there was the temptation to do what he had done yesterday and reach into her mind. But with her face telling the story that her dreams were for once peaceful, he resisted the urge and sat in the silence instead, watching her and cherishing her touch for the brief moment he had it.


	9. Chapter 9

_Thanks for reading, let me know what you think! :)_

Rose stared out the window at the bleak dark sky, the rain hitting the window and making a peaceful pattering on the window but it didn't make her feel peaceful. She could hear the ticking of the clock in the flat, annoyingly loud in the silence reminding her she had little else to do but stare out the window. She didn't go to school, she didn't have a job; she resisted the idea to ring up her friends. She had no idea if they were even her friends anymore. She didn't know anything about her life, it seemed. Though she felt slightly trapped in the flat with nothing but her own company she also felt somewhat safe here; it was a small manageable world where the one outside one seemed infinitely scarier.

Rose tilted her head to the side as she stared out the window; she was terribly bored. It was midday and she had nothing to do. She thought about watching a movie but it wouldn't be the same without John.

_John….._

Rose felt something like a churning in her stomach at the thought of him. If she was honest with herself that was what she was really bothered by. John had showed up every day since she had woken up early in the morning; it was now afternoon and he was still not here. They never made plans and so it wasn't like he was breaking plans; after all, she couldn't expect him to see her every day. He must have other friends, other things that he wanted to do than see her. Even though she knew that, it wasn't easy to make herself not _feel _that way.

Feeling a strange twinge below her belly, Rose walked over to the couch where a worn leather jacket sat. She sat down on the couch and picked it up, running her fingers over it. Yesterday was the first time that she had seen John take it off; when she had woken up she was lying on top of it on the couch. She realized that she must have fallen asleep on him and he had slipped out at some point. The aged leather was soft along her fingers, a strangely sweet smell coming from it that reminded her oddly of John.

Rose looked around the flat, as if someone might be looking, before she slipped her arms into the sleeves and put the jacket on herself. The sleeves hung past her hands and seemed to engulf her as she pulled it closed around her. The sweet smell seemed to get infinitely stronger and she found herself breathing deeply. She felt her cheeks turn red, feeling like she was doing something wrong by sitting there in John's jacket; it seemed wrong, like an invasion. It seemed like she had a part of him to herself. She was lonely and though that did have something to do with it, she deep down she didn't want to take the jacket off even though she knew she should. Her heart sped up a little as the realization hit her that she might be possibly be done for with this strange man called John Smith.

….

The Doctor mind drifted, filled in every space by the TARDIS' consciousness. He could feel the sense of time flowing through every part of his mind and making him still. His fingers trembled, his hearts calmed as the cool touch of it flowed through his synapses and neurons, making it almost impossible to know where she ended and he began. He could lose himself in this sensation for an eternity; he rarely allowed himself to connect with her on this level. If he did, it was too easy for them to become lost in each other and not want to ever leave.

His mind floated along in the blissful sensation and he could feel a tremble run through the TARDIS' consciousness and he felt it all the way into himself; she was as desperate for this as he was. In the times that immediately followed the Time War, when it was just him and her traveling through the time vortex they had held onto each other this way most of the time. He was hurting terribly and she had helped him through it; she had saved his life. When he had met Rose, she had filled a space in both his hearts and the TARDIS'.

But now that she was distant from them, it was another time they had to comfort each other through their loss. Though he and Rose had spent a good day together, even having a mental connection their selves, he had felt empty when he had gotten back to the TARDIS. He had tried to brush the feeling off but it had persisted until it felt like a burning, aching chasm in his chest. The TARDIS had reached out to him, a mere breath of a touch at first; his mind reached out to her and sought more and more.

The Doctor's mind felt calm, like it was suspended in cool water when the TARDIS shared the things of Rose that the Doctor had not even been fully aware of yet; the unique sound of her single heart's beat, the distinctly different way she smelled when she had been back on Earth and she came back to them, the way her blonde hair glowed in a hundred different hues in the glow of the console lights, the way she tossed and turned in her sleep when she dreamed about him. She gave him a million little memories that only served to make him hurt and heal at the same time; he could smell the distinct scent of her tears when she cried at night because she was scared but too shy to tell him, the melodic way she laughed when he would tell a joke, the red hue of her cheeks when he would complement her, the way her heart beat at the sound of the TARDIS engines and the excitement in her veins. She showed him so many things he saw in part but never in full measure the way that she could see them.

The Doctor was roused slightly from their intimate connection by the feel of tears on his cheeks.

_Shhh…it's alright, do it….._The TARDIS urged him. She wanted him to cry, wanted him to let out the emotion he'd been holding in since this had begun. But he didn't want to.

_No…..it was so…..beautiful. What you showed me…I'm not going to spoil it by crying, _The Doctor insisted though he felt the warm water on his cheeks.

_You ruin nothing by being by being you…..I know you best…..we can do it together, would that make it better? _The TARDIS questioned.

_Yes, _the Doctor answered without any previous thought. Yes, it would make it so much better.

The Doctor could feel the fullness of the TARDIS' sorrow crash against his own mind, the sound of it like a cry throughout his own soul and he realized how much she had been holding back herself. With the full realization of all of this on him, he was able to let go and fully shed the tears he'd been holding on. Though he had expected it would ruin the closeness and intimacy of the moment that they had been having, it had the opposite effect and made it closer and better. The TARDIS was even more open, as if he could see deep into her heart, to the deepness of pain and sorrow she experienced as her consciousness filled every available part of his mind that was left until he lost himself completely for a time.

When it was all over, the Doctor found himself lying on the floor of the console room next to the console, consoled by the hum of the machine around him. Though his cheeks were wet with tears, an infinite weight seemed to be lifted off of his mind. He felt a trembling in his limbs that made it a little difficult to get off of the ground up into the jump seat but he felt strangely relaxed. He could feel a similar calming wave coming from the TARDIS; not the one that she would give him when she wanted him calm but one that meant she herself was genuinely satisfied. The Doctor sat back in the chair, resting and gathering his senses about him for several minutes before he was calm enough to find his mind focusing.

_Rose….._

When he realized how late in the day it was he felt the sudden need to get to her. _She'll be fine…..just go to her, _the TARDIS assured her before he could get upset.

The Doctor supposed that the TARDIS was right; as much as he had been waiting with batted breath for every time that he would get to see her, she didn't know him right now and he was sure that wasn't the case for her. She might not have even missed him.

Suddenly, the Doctor was filled with the pressing need to work on her memory, to help her get back to him. His mind was still filled with all the memories, all the little things that made Rose who she was from his connection with the TARDIS. He jumped off the seat and practically ran out the door, his mind and body still seeming to brim with energy.

_Go easy on her, _the TARDIS urged him, _Be careful with her…your mind is still very active. _

The Doctor stopped himself for a moment and forced his mind still. She was right; the deep connection they had just shared left his mind with an overwhelming feeling he had to let subside before he could let Rose into his mind.

_It was nice…being with you that way again, _the TARDIS admitted gently in his head, his mind still extremely sensitive to her energy. _You've been so strong lately….you've not wanted to let me in. _

The Doctor felt a smile spreading across his face; she was right. It had been entirely too long. _I enjoyed it too…we'll have to do it more often, _he thought back and felt the TARDIS' smile of response back.

….

Rose was curled up on the couch, the leather jacket still encasing her when she heard a knock at the door. She had been drifting off slightly, having sat there in the quiet stillness for so long and she jumped when she heard the noise. Rose hopped off the couch, quickly sliding out of the leather jacket and draping it over the side so that it looked as though it hadn't been touched before running a hand through her hair and walking to the door. She felt a little ridiculous now having held onto the jacket so tightly but she felt even more ridiculous for happy she felt when she saw that it was John at the door. The memories of what they had done yesterday, the way his mind had seemed to almost touch hers came back to her and she felt a flutter of nerves when she wondered if they would do that today.

"Hello, mind if I come in?" John asked cheerily from the door.

Rose stepped aside and gave him a smile as she motioned him in. " Sure, come on in" she said. John walked inside the flat and sat down on the couch.

"Ah, there it is!" John said with triumph when he noticed the leather jacket. He picked it up and gave it a slightly scrutinizing look before putting it on. Rose felt like he could somehow sense that she had been wearing it. "Much better" he said enthusiastically he slid fully into his jacket.

Rose smiled, taking the seat on the couch beside him. "Don't you ever…..you know, go a day without wearing that thing?" she asked. She couldn't help but notice he was wearing the same jumper as yesterday and found that very strange; it was like he hadn't slept or even gone home all night.

"Not really….fits me just right, why wear anything else?" John said with a shrug.

"I guess you have a point" Rose said even though she couldn't really agree with his reasoning. Somehow it just worked for him. " So…..how has your day been?"

John paused for a long moment, almost as if thinking about what he should say. His day old attire and his abnormally red eyes made Rose worry about him. "I've been fantastic" John said convincingly, giving her a smile that didn't fit his sad looking eyes. "Met with an old friend this morning; it was nice to catch up. What about you?"

Rose didn't want to admit that she had been doing nothing all morning but moping around the house wishing he would show up even though that was the truth. "Just taking it easy around the house" Rose said instead with a nonchalant shrug.

"Good" John said with a smile that looked slightly uncomfortable and silence passed for a minuet as if he didn't know what to say. After what seemed like forever, with the loud tick of the clock and the rain on the roof, John finally spoke again. "Well, I was thinking, if you weren't doing anything else…maybe we could….." his voice trailed off and Rose was surprised to see doubt and uncertainty in his eyes. It wasn't something she had seen him display, at least that she could remember.

Of course she didn't have anything else to do and he knew it but she appreciated that he at least acted like she did. "I'm not doing much of anything" Rose admitted, eager to see what he wanted to do that he was so nervous about. "What would you like to do?"

John hesitated. "I was thinking…we could work on…..trying to regain your memory again like we did yesterday, if you want to, that is" he said uncertainly.

It was all that Rose had been able to think about yesterday, the brief time she and John had seemed to join minds as he guided her toward her memories. It was so different, so strange…..it was like nothing that Rose had ever experienced before. When John had described it to her, she had expected it to be like a deep relaxation technique but it hadn't been anything like that. It was like John's mind _touched _hers. It should have scared her and to an extent it did; but for some reason she felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach at the prospect of doing it again. Though she hadn't seen any of her memories, she felt like she had gotten at least a little closer to them.

"Yeah, I'd like to try again" Rose said, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice as she gave John a smile. He returned it with a wide smile; she was glad to see the redness in his blue eyes fading.

"Good" John said enthusiastically. "You did so well yesterday, I'm sure that you'll see progress really soon"

The butterflies in Rose's stomach increased at the thought that she might actually start to remember something. She all but jumped at the opportunity to start. "I sure hope so…..this will all be easier once I can remember, right?" she asked.

An unidentifiable look crossed over John's but he hid it in a matter of seconds. "Yes…..I'm sure it will be a load off you mind, so to speak, when you remember" he said. "And I'm glad to help out as I can" John turned on the couch toward Rose; she noticed his fingers twitching slightly.

Rose felt the need in the back of her mind to ask John more about this mind technique but she wanted to get started more.

"Well, I'm ready when you are" Rose said, taking a deep breath and trying to settle the churning of her stomach.

John reached his hands up to Rose's temples and placed them lightly there. She felt a ripple of sensation that she couldn't explain at the simple touch; it seemed much more arousing than it should have and she quickly tried to dispel the thought for the fear that somehow he might be able to tell. "Now, remember like yesterday" John explained. "you are going to see that bright light and you need to go towards it so we can get past it alright?"

Rose felt a cold sweat begin to form on the back of her neck as she closed her eyes. "Alright" she said, excitement running through her.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" John questioned. "Your hands are shaking"

Rose was glad that her eyes were closed so that she didn't have to look at him. "I'm a little anxious, but I'm ready" Rose said in slight embarrassment.

"Okay….here we go then" John said, his voice turning to a whisper, as if he felt the gravity of the situation like she did. She found herself holding her breath, bracing for the strange feeling she knew was coming.

Seconds later, she felt it. The bright, yellow light that seemed stuck in her head filled her mind, taking up every part of it. Her first instinct was to flee from it, run away. But she did what John had instructed her to do and pushed herself toward it. It got brighter and bright until she felt like it was going to blind her but she kept going. She pushed toward it until she felt a stabbing pain that tore through her temple, making her stop.

"I'm sorry" Rose said automatically when she felt her mind pull back from John's. She rubbed her head which was now aching and looked at John apologetically.

"It's alright Rose, you're doing fine" John assured her gently, giving her a small smile that made him want to trust him no matter what. "We'll go at your pace"

Rose rubbed her head for a few moments before she answered. "I'm ready, let's do it again" she said quickly. Like yesterday, she wanted to do it again before she could think too much about it"

"If you're sure" John said hesitantly "Just let me know if you need to stop."

Rose closed her eyes again as John's hands met her temples again. The bright wave hit her again, taking her breath away before she could expect it again. Without thinking about it, Rose's hands grabbed for something to hold on which just happened to be John's wrists. The moment she touched him, she felt the wave of energy in her mind increase tenfold. The light was brighter but she also felt something else; it was another source of light but it wasn't part of her own mind. She didn't know how to explain how she knew it, but she knew that it was John's mind and not her own. She tried to urge her thoughts toward the energy she knew as her own to get toward her memories but she found it drifting towards John's. It was like something that she could touch and she found herself desperately wanting to. She reached closer and closer until…

John pulled back suddenly and Rose's head felt cold and painful. She opened her eyes and saw John staring at her, his own mouth slightly agape as he breathed heavily. He looked almost as surprised as Rose felt.

"Did I do something wrong?" Rose asked. She reluctantly let go of John's wrists and sat back, looking at him in distress. She could sense he wasn't prepared for that; it wasn't the same as last time but something about it felt good to her.

"No…not at all" John said, taking a deep breath and giving her a smile. "That was my fault actually. I let my mind run away on that one"

Rose rubbed her head as the pain dulled; her head still felt cold and she found herself wanting to go back to the feeling they just had. "It's okay…I'm fine" Rose said honestly. "Did it…hurt you?"

John's face turned red. "No…..no you didn't hurt me at all" he said, shifting in his seat. He looked uncomfortable and Rose wanted to steer them away from this uncomfortable silence.

"Well…..uh….should we try again?" Rose asked, eager to move past this and to wipe the strange expression from John's face. For some reason, there seemed to be tension there that wasn't there before.

"Actually, I think that's enough for right now" John said, giving her a small smile that was meant to be encouraging but made Rose feel slightly deflated. "Let's uh….do something else, alright?"

Rose wasn't ready to give up on trying to reach her memories again yet; she felt like they had barely started. It was obvious that something was troubling John from the last time but she didn't have the courage to ask him what.

"Alright" she said reluctantly.


	10. Chapter 10

Rose's head felt woozy and strange and she found herself swaying a little on the couch. She had grown quite accustomed to feeling strange these past few days but this strange feeling was different and it was actually a welcome distraction from normal.

"I don't believe you" Rose insisted, finishing off the last of the beer she had and putting the bottle in the empty pizza box that sat in between her and John on the couch.

John rolled his eyes as he took a drink. "Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it isn't true" he insisted just as persistently.

Rose laughed; the alcohol that was making its way through her made it so much easier to feel at ease and forget the strange events of earlier. "I know that…..but look at you. All leather and tough guy…..there's no way you can dance like that" Rose said gesturing toward the television where two sweeping figures danced across the screen.

"Tough guy?" John asked, looking as if he didn't know if he should take it as an insult or not. "Well, tough guy or not, I am a fantastic dancer."

Rose didn't buy it; she couldn't imagine him dancing. "Prove it" she said boldly, leaning back on the couch and fixing him with a daring smile. She was quite sure that he wouldn't be able to refuse.

John stared at her in refusal for several seconds before he opened another beer and handed it to her. "You finish this and then we will be see who can dance and who can't" he challenged.

Rose took the bottle, though the trade seemed a little unfair in her opinion. "Fine…deal" she said confidently. She drank the vile liquid as quickly as she could before dropping the bottle again. Her head swam and her stomach warred for a minuet as if it was deciding whether or not to accept the new contents before it calmed. "There…now you have to dance" she said triumphantly.

John looked at her with a look of surprise and slight admiration. "Well, I must say you are determined" he admitted. "I suppose I can't refuse now, but what kind of partner will you be with all of that running through your system" he said, pointing to the empty bottles between them.

Rose jumped up, ignoring the slight lightheaded feeling that it earned her. "Hey, some of those are yours" she argued with a smile. "And I'll do just fine"

After the strange incident earlier, she and John had spent the rest of the day watching telly and while it had been so comfortable the past few days, it felt awkward. Rose was relieved when John had gone to get dinner and came back with the pizza and beer. The conversation between the two of them had begun to get easier and the hiccup in their plans earlier seemed forgotten.

"I guess you're right" John said with a slightly smug look on his face. "How can you possibly be a bad dancer with such a skilled partner as me?"

John jumped up from the couch, taking one of Rose's hands and putting his other arm behind her back. He began to dance around the living room with big sweeping motions as much as he could in the confined space. Rose had to admit, at least to herself that he was better at dancing than she gave him credit for; she wondered vaguely in the back of her mind if they had ever danced before she lost her memory.

John twirled her around dramatically and she found herself losing her balance; she crashed into the side table, knocking several items off it with a crash before John pulled her back to him. Her chest collided with his gently and she found her cheeks warming up as she looked up at him. "Thought you said that you were good at this" John teased with a wicked sort of smile as he began to lead Rose in the dance again.

"I am" Rose said, her heart still hammering from the brief but close contact. She felt unsteady on her feet and she didn't know how the drink was responsible for all of that. "You are just going too fast"

"I'm not going fast at all" John argued as he twirled her around again. Rose tripped over her shoes that had been carelessly tossed to the floor from yesterday. She came dangerously close to crashing to the floor before John caught her by the hand and pulled her back up to him. She could feel his strong arms behind her holding her tightly and she desperately hoped that her face wasn't as red as she felt it was.

"See…you must be rubbish at this" John said in a teasing voice but the smile he had on his face was soft. Rose was trying to think of something to say but she found herself simply staring into his icy eyes, lost for words. She knew that John was waiting for a response, waiting for comeback and she forced her mind to work.

"You'd be rubbish at it too if I was twirling you across the whole flat and expecting you to keep your balance" Rose finally shot back with a smirk on her face, satisfied at the smile that it earned from John.

"Oh, yeah? You think?" John asked. "Then do it…..I'm fantastic. I won't be tearing up the whole flat just because you twirled me a bit"

John gave her a teasing smile and Rose began to lead the dramatic style of dance as best she could. She did have to admit that her head was swimming a bit but she didn't try to focus on it. She led John from one side of the room to the other, twirling him around before leading him across the room again, slightly disappointed that he did indeed keep his balance. Rose pulled him across the room, taking his hand and turning him round and round several times when they reached the couch, not about to be undone.

This time Rose got exactly the reaction she was looking for; John lost his balance, hitting the couch and knocking all of their trash from dinner into the floor before he fell into the floor himself. Unfortunately, he did all of this while holding Rose tightly so she came crashing down to the floor with him.

Rose landed on John's chest and could feel her heart hammering in her chest so hard that she was sure he must be able to feel it. Her head was dizzy and she forced herself to breathe. John was looking up at her and when he burst into laughter, she followed suit.

Rose was still lying awkwardly on top of John, not too eager to move, laughing until she felt tears in her eyes, when she heard her mum's voice dangerously close to her.

"Alright you two, party's over"

Rose looked up to see Jackie, tousled bed hair, red eyes and a very annoyed expression standing next to them. Rose jumped up as quickly as she could manage and John jumped up faster than she thought he should have been able to.

"Afraid I have to be the buzz kill tonight, you two are entirely too loud and some of us have to be up early in the morning" Jackie said in a miffed tone. Rose didn't miss the disapproving expression that she gave to John. "I think it's high time that John go home "

John looked away from Jackie's harsh stare. "Yes, of course" he said, looking uncomfortably towards Rose. She fought the urge to laugh; she was glad that she didn't because Jackie might have killed her, the way she looked.

"Well, I suppose I'll see you later" Rose muttered, finding it awkward to say goodbye to John with Jackie standing a few feet away. She had wanted to bring up the subject of their working on her memory tomorrow but she didn't. It might be just the thing to set off her mum at this point.

"Yeah" John said quietly. He gave her a smile. "See you tomorrow" He made a quick line for the exit and Rose hoped that Jackie would just go to back to bed. When she just stood there, however, Rose felt something awkward coming on. She averted her eyes and began to pick up the trash that was scattered in the floor, feeling suddenly a little embarrassed by the amount of bottles that she found.

Rose took longer than was needed to pick them up and was dismayed to find her mum was still staring at her when she stood back up. "What?" Rose asked defensively as she walked to the kitchen to throw away the trash.

Jackie leaned against the doorframe and stared at her. "Rose, I thought you and John were just friends" Jackie said softly. Softly wasn't good when it came to her; it was dangerous.

"We are" Rose argued, leaning against the counter and crossing her arms. This was the last argument that she wanted to have right now. She didn't know what she and John had been; she had felt like, from the moment she woke up, that they weren't just friends but she had been running on the knowledge that everyone else said that they were. She didn't want to think about the way she felt when she thought of him or how excited she got when she knew he was coming over; she was confused enough with all the problems with her memory.

"Really?" Jackie questioned. "Because that right there looked pretty damn comfortable to me."

Rose felt a surge of emotions rise in her; annoyance, anger, sadness and insecurity. Stupid hormones. "What are you looking for, mum?" she asked angrily. "You want me to tell you we are a couple?"

"No, I'm hoping that you don't" Jackie said. "If you are, then I'd like to know. What's going on here?"

Rose honestly didn't know what was going with her and John and that was the problem. In her mind, she had only met John days ago and yet it felt like so much more. She knew what everyone was hiding things from her and it was incredibly frustrating. She didn't know what to think, what to feel or even who she was anymore. She felt small and lost; these were exactly the feelings that she was trying to run away from.

"I don't know mum!" Rose burst out angrily. She could feel tears in her eyes and even though she didn't want to cry, she didn't try to stop either. "I don't know what I feel about this or anything in my life! I don't even know what I'm doing! In my mind I met John only a few days ago but it feels like more and it feels like you two aren't even telling me everything I need to know! I'm just so confused!"

Rose could feel tears beginning to run down her face and she didn't try to stop them. She saw Jackie's expression soften. "Oh, Rose" she said, walking forward to put her arms around Rose. "I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't have pushed you"

Rose considered pushing her mum away but ultimately decided against it. She swatted at her tears and quickly tried to hide the fact that she was crying, suddenly embarrassed that she had been crying.

"It just…..freaked me out a bit" Jackie said quickly, trying to explain away her behavior. "Seeing you…all sprawled out on top of him."

"I wasn't sprawled out on top of him" Rose argued, finally detaching herself from her mum and rubbing her face of the last of the tears. "We fell down"

Jackie was obviously unconvinced but she didn't push it. "I'm sorry…..I forgot for a moment how difficult this must be for you." She said apologetically.

"It's alright" Rose said, crossing her arms and wrapping them around her. Her head was swirling with her troubles, the ones that she sought to find sanctuary from and she had a feeling that her dreams wouldn't be calm this night. She thought about John and how he seemed to make the dreams go away and she couldn't help but feel a pang of want in her chest, knowing she would be sleeping alone and full of turmoil.

….

Rose had touched his mind; it was just for a second, hardly any time at all but it was enough to thoroughly bother the Doctor. It was supposed to be a one-way connection. He was supposed to be able to help guide her mind; she wasn't supposed to be able to do anything with his mind. But somehow she had and that's why the Doctor found himself drinking the Crestilian ale that Captain Jack had given him when he had been traveling with them. He wasn't much of a drinker but as he sat in the TARDIS kitchen, staring into the glass he held too tightly he didn't have much of a reason not to.

The Doctor could feel the warm, comforting touch of the TARDIS wrap around him like a hug. He could feel her consciousness ripple across his own, opening herself to the deeper touch that they had shared earlier but he declined. As tempting as the offer was, he wasn't interested. All he could focus on was Rose and how the small touch of her mind against his had felt. Since the war, his mind had been barren and cold, so empty without the telepathic connection that he had lived his whole life with. While he considered the TARDIS an essential part of himself, connecting with her was not the same as connecting with a person and he had almost forgot what it was like.

The Doctor drained his glass and left the kitchen, walking toward his bedroom. He knew that sleep would elude him but he wanted to at least relax with his thoughts and his now swirling head. He shed his customary jumper and leather, slipping into sweatpants and a t-shirt before lying down on his bed. The TARDIS even _felt _emptier without Rose sleeping down the hall.

The Doctor had been scared; it had felt so good that he hadn't wanted to pull away. He had wanted to keep going, to go deeper into her mind and let her go into his. For a moment, it hadn't mattered that she didn't remember he was a time lord and that it wasn't fair to join to her mind without her complete knowledge of it. His own desire had almost won; he had almost let it.

He felt the TARDIS' mind intruded upon his, none too gently either. The thoughts he had at nights, the ones that he tried to put out of his mind but never could, intruded upon him from the outside. He thought about chiding her, the way he had done a few nights ago when she had suggested the thoughts but tonight he was tired. He was tired and lonely and he missed his pink and yellow human. He missed her hugs and her smiles and her warmth; he missed her sleeping just down the hallway and the small glimpse he would sometimes get while she was far away in dreamland.

_In the morning, I'm going to blame you for this, _The Doctor said to the TARDIS, earning a laugh from her before he allowed his lonely mind to run away with the fantasies.

…

Rose woke up in the middle of the night, sweaty and disoriented. She fought her way out of the sheets and climbed on top, eyes struggling to adjust to the near pitch black of her room. There was a sliver of light coming from the moon in the window and a small light from under the door but it was otherwise dark.

Rose lay on her back, eyes finding the ceiling as they adjusted to the darkness. Just like she had suspected, her sleep was not silent. She had dreamed yet again but these dreams were different. Instead of disjointed dreams about the bright light and the strange blue box, she had dreamed of John. While she knew this was natural, expected even, having spent nearly all of her time with him lately this was different. This wasn't just a dream, this was a memory. She might have been gullible or naïve for thinking that, but she was sure that it was something that she had actually experienced.

John had snuck up beside her; she had jumped as if she hadn't expected him. He had grabbed her by the hand and they had run down a long hallway. Her heart had been beating out of her chest and she got the sense that they were fleeing from something dangerous though she didn't know what. It sounded a little far-fetched but she knew was too encouraged by the fact she was making progress.

Rose got out of bed and walked to the kitchen, feeling parched as though all of her fluid had been sweated out in her sleep. She grabbed a glass of water and sat at the table, staring out the window.

_She rememebered…._it was a small bit of hardly anything but she had remembered something. She could remember the way John's hand fit inside hers, the way her heart beat quickly, the sound of John's footsteps thundering along with hers. She sat back in the chair and closed her eyes, letting her mind fully think about the memory. She willed her mind to find more of it but she couldn't. Rather than be discouraged she was hopeful for what might happen when she and John worked on her memory more. She was anxious for the morning, when she could share her progress with John; she squinted at the clock, seeing the red 4:56 flashing and reminding her that she still had a long way to go. With her head pounding, this time not from her head injury but for a quickly developing hangover, Rose went back to bed hoping to pass the rest of the time quickly.


	11. Chapter 11

The Doctor squinted against the bright light of the early morning sun, his head aching from the massive hangover he was nursing but his spirits were high. He was actually able to sleep last night and felt rested and he was bursting with eagerness to see Rose again. He thought about how much fun they had had last night, laughing and feeling the most at ease they had since she had woken up after Satellite 5. The Doctor felt like it was almost like spending time with the old Rose. Her laughter rang through his ears and his heart sped up a little as he thought about what it was like to have Rose pressed up against him when she had fallen down. He'd never been so happy to fall flat on the ground and never been so displeased to see Jackie. The fire in her eyes was enough of a warning that the Doctor made sure she was gone before he knocked on Rose's door.

When Rose opened the door, her hair was tousled on her head, her own reddish eyes suggesting that she was also feeling the after effects of the alcohol. But the smile on her face was so broad, that was all that he found himself focusing on. "John! I'm so glad that you're here!" Rose said exuberantly as she took his hand and pulled him into the flat. The Doctor felt a tremor of excitement run through him as she pulled him; if she hadn't called him John, he would have been sure Rose was back to her old self.

Rose closed the door behind them, quickly turning him around to face her, excitement lighting her eyes. "I couldn't wait to tell you!" she said, full of as much excitement as she always wore when he took her to new worlds. Her face was bright and she was bouncing on her feet, her hair becoming even wilder.

Rose's excitement was catching and the Doctor felt his hearts beginning to speed up. "Well, let's have it" he said, smiling broadly and not attempting to hide his excitement too much. "What's got you so excited this early in the morning?"

Rose looked like she was about to burst. "I remembered something!" she exploded, her face red with excitement.

The Doctor was glad that he hadn't caved to the TARDIS' urging him to eat something this morning because if he did, he was sure it would be jumping in his stomach. Rose remembered! How much? What did she remember? He resisted the urge to barrage her with questions about every detail of her memory. "What was it?" he asked, feeling his eyes grow to two sizes their normal width.

Rose was still bouncing with all the excitement of the young human she was. "Well, I'm not completely sure it was a memory, but I think it was" Rose said, a little less sure than before. "You and me…..we were running down this long hallway. You grabbed me by the hand and told me to run. I feel like we were running from something chasing us but I couldn't see what. I remembered it last night when I was asleep but I don't think it was a dream. Was it? "

The Doctor felt his throat grow dry at the memory; it was a very important memory. It was the moment that he knew his life had changed forever and he greatly suspected the same was true of Rose. It was the moment that he had stopped running from himself and started to run with her; toward life, toward adventure and excitement. It was quite fitting that she should remember that first; it was the beginning.

Rose misinterpreted the Doctor's silence for something it wasn't. "It wasn't a memory was it?" she asked, her face and tone deflating immediately. She flopped down on the couch in defeat. "It was just another stupid dream"

"Oh, no" The Doctor said quickly, rushing forward and sitting next to her on the couch. "No…..it was real. That did happen…you remembered something!"

Rose looked almost on the verge of tears and the Doctor was glad when he saw her face change to more hopeful. "I….I did?" she asked.

"Yeah" he said enthusiastically, feeling hope rising in his chest that she would be remembering more soon. He struggled to think of an excuse to feed to her for the memory; he couldn't very well tell her that they were fleeing an army of living plastic shop dummies. "We…..uh…..were running out of this shop that was burning down. Massive fire, the whole place went up; had to get out quick."

Rose's face was lighting with hopefulness again. "So, I really remembered something? It's starting to work?"

"It is most certainly starting to work" The Doctor said confidently.

Rose turned herself so that she was sitting cross legged on the couch facing him. "Alrighty then…let's get started on it again then" she said, full of enthusiasm.

The Doctor felt alarm bells ring in his head; he hadn't expected her to be so eager and especially not so soon. He wanted to help her; obviously it was beginning to help her remember and he wanted to do everything that he could to help facilitate that. But at the same time, he felt emotionally vulnerable after she had touched his mind yesterday. She was unaware of the effect that she had on him but he couldn't afford to let his mind get carried away. He was supposed to be the one that knew what he was doing and he was responsible for what happened. He had to be in control of his own mind.

"Wow, someone's eager" The Doctor said, sitting up on the couch to face her the same way. He gave her a smile that let her know he was teasing but it helped to alleviate his tension a little as well. "Can't say I blame you…you're making such good progress, I'd want to make a move on it too"

"Well, we don't _have _to if you don't want to" Rose said, even though her tone suggested that it wasn't really open for debate.

"No, I want to" The Doctor insisted. He gave her a warm smile that she returned. He put his hands to her temple again and he could feel the crackle of energy beneath his fingers that let him know that her mind was close and open. He forced himself to put up a barrier in his own mind so that Rose would not be able to contact it, even by accident. He hated having to do that; it would make it more difficult for Rose to gain her memories with his mind blocked. But he couldn't allow himself to get carried away. He wanted to connect his mind with Rose's in the most intimate of ways but he couldn't do that properly until she knew who he was and then she might not be as keen on the idea. So, his own feelings had to be in check.

"Okay…open your mind, Rose" The Doctor whispered, closing his own eyes and focusing on reaching out for the warm touch that was Rose's mind. He felt her open completely; so trusting without even knowing fully how much she trusted him with. It was hard not to let go and rush forward in her mind but with the barrier up, it made it easier to restrain himself.

He could see the swirling that was blocking Rose's memories and he nudged her consciousness toward the blocked path of her mind. Her consciousness was pliant and very suggestive and it followed his lead very whiling. It moved toward her blocked memories; there was a small crack in the bright light and the Doctor urged it toward the crack.

The Doctor heard a gasp issue from Rose and stopped his motions. "Are you alright?" he asked without opening his eyes.

Rose took what sounded like a shaky breath. "Yeah…..I'm alright" she said. "It's just so…."

"Overwhelming?" the Doctor suggested. It was hard for the Doctor to manage this even with his mind blocked. Rose's mind was so open and the connection so raw that he could only imagine what it was like for Rose.

"Yeah" Rose said her voice breathy. "Its…..it's…I know that it probably sounds stupid but it's like you are pushing my mind"

It didn't sound stupid at all; it was exactly what he was doing and the Doctor just barely held in the urge to tell her so. "Well, in a sense I am" the Doctor said. "Sort of….in a manner of speaking"

"It's…..different than the other times" Rose said. "Instead of me moving my mind …..It's like you're doing all the work"

Rose's mind bristled just at the edge of the Doctor's and he forced his attention on his barriers. "Sort of…but it's really all you, Rose" the Doctor lied. He didn't want Rose to start to question these methods.

"Can we go again?" Rose asked, her voice sounding like it was trembling slightly. Her hands rested lightly on his knee and he could feel them shaking.

"Yeah…we can go again" The Doctor agreed eagerly. He was encouraged by the crack in her memory loss, that he could help force it open and get to her memories. Maybe her remembering wasn't so far away after all.

The Doctor focused his mind on Rose's consciousness again and pushed it gently toward the crack in the time energy holding back her memories. It was small, so small that it was barely there but the Doctor pushed her consciousness toward it. The crack began to get bigger the more he forced it; he could almost _feel _Rose's memories and he felt like it was food to a starving man. He wanted more of it…..needed more of it and he forced her consciousness toward it, pushing and pushing…..harder and harder….

"Stop! Please stop!"

The Doctor was roused from the warm depths of Rose's mind by the sound of her voice, loud and desperate. When the Doctor opened his eyes, he saw tears pooling in her eyes, her hands on her forehead, her face distorted in pain. "What….what's wrong?" the Doctor asked, wondering what had prompted such a sudden and awful reaction from Rose. She looked almost scared of him.

"I told you to stop" Rose said, her brows knitting in pain and anger. "I told you stop and you kept doing it. That really hurt"

The Doctor felt his veins go icy; he hadn't heard her say anything. He had been too focused on the task at hand. "I didn't hear you…I'm sorry" he said, feeling guilt run through him. He reached out his hand toward her but she pulled back, her face turning angry.

"I don't know what the hell that was" Rose said angrily, rubbing her temples. "But I don't like it at all"

Rose got off the couch and rushed out of the room. The Doctor heard the door of her bedroom slam loudly and he felt guilt flood through him. He had scared her, hurt her; she had been in pain and she didn't understand what was going on and he hadn't stopped when she had asked. He hadn't heard her because he was too emerged in her mind, too focused on forcing her memories that he hadn't heard her. He felt horrible; he'd pushed because he wanted her to remember so badly and in the process he had pushed her away. Now, she might never want to do it again.

The Doctor hung his head and stared down at the floor; he'd really done it now.

…..

Rose sat on the edge of her bed, fingers massaging her temples. It had hurt so badly, still hurt. But more than being hurt, she was scared.

Maybe she hadn't thought it through, this….whatever it was that they were doing. It was really invasive, having someone in your very mind but she had been so desperate that she hadn't even given it a thought. She had just wanted to get her memory back at any price and maybe that had been rash. The other times she had done this with John, she had felt like his mind was gently guiding hers toward the bright light that he had suggested was the part blocking her memories. This time, it had felt like his mind was pushing hers. It had felt forced; it had felt like a violation. She had been scared of the force and power of it and she had asked him to stop. Only, he hadn't; he'd kept pushing until her brain felt like it was splitting open.

She didn't know if she should be mad at herself for trusting this too much or at John for not listening to her. She had been so eager to get started, so eager for her memories that she had willingly let him into her head without really knowing anything about what they were doing. He had offered her so many chances to stop and get out it didn't seem right that the one time that she had needed it, he hadn't been available to it.

Rose was still massaging her sore head when she heard a knock at the door. "Rose…..can I come in?" came John's voice from behind her door. He sounded worried and remorseful; good, he should.

Rose thought about ignoring him and not saying anything; maybe if she was quiet he would just go away. But she didn't really want that either. As much as she felt angry and violated by him, she didn't want him to leave either. She didn't want to be alone. "Come in" she said wearily.

John peaked his head into the room, his face fully of worry. He walked slowly toward the bed, looking uncomfortable before gently sitting down as far away from her as he could; he was giving her space and for that she was grateful. "Rose…I am so sorry" he said quickly. "Really, I am…I don't know what happened"

"I told you to stop and you didn't…that's what happened" Rose said bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest. She didn't want to be angry but she had been scared when she had protested and he hadn't stopped.

John's face showed remorse and he hung his head before looking back up at Rose. "I know…I know and I'm sorry" John said. "I was so focused on guiding your memory that I couldn't hear you. I wanted to help, wanted you to remember and I got too focused"

Rose felt her throat tighten and she forced herself not to get emotional. "You….you hurt me" she admitted. He had felt so safe, so completely right since she had woken up. Though he had been a stranger, he felt safe and protective; this incidence made that confidence shake and it scared her. She was so lost, so confused about her life right now and he was one thing she had come to hold onto.

John's eyes were glassy, as if he was holding back emotions as well. "Rose…I never meant to do that…I'm so sorry" he said. "I know I give you no reason to trust me…..but that's not the way that it's supposed to go. I'm sorry. We don't have to ever try that again if you don't want to…..just please forgive me"

Rose didn't know if she wanted to try it again; the pain in her head would have to stop before she could even think about that again. She knew he was sorry, she could almost feel his remorse and she did forgive him. "I do forgive you" Rose said, not looking in his eyes. She thought about how badly her head was aching, bursting almost and how John had massaged the pain away the other day. "Can…..can you do that thing you did the other day?" she asked, feeling embarrassed and looking away as she asked. "Where you made the pain go away?"

There was the trace of a smile in his voice. "Certainly" John said, quickly putting his hands on her temples. She resisted the urge to pull away at the touch, remembering the pain. His fingers began to massage in gentle circles and Rose's thoughts soon dissolved. A cold touch to the pain seeped through her skin and into her head, making all the pain go away. "Thank you" Rose said, her voice slightly shaky with the relief of the strange motion.

"Anything for you, Rose Tyler" John said, his voice happy.

….

"How about we go to your place…I'd like to see where you live" Rose said before she could stop herself. She was glad she said it before she had time to obsess about it because she knew then that she wouldn't have said it and it had been pressing on her. Her questions and concerns about the memory technique that John had used on her this morning brought other questions to the forefront of her mind. She felt like she didn't know anything about John at all and though she didn't like asking him questions that she felt she should know the answer to, she wanted answers. It was almost like John and her mum had been hiding a lot of details about her life and she wanted to know why that was.

After the incident that morning, Rose had been eager to get out of the house and forget it. They had gone to a chippy for lunch and then, despite the cold and the falling snow flurries, they had taken a walk through a nearby park after getting hot chocolate. It had been an easy going day, discussing everything else but the memory loss and problems of the morning. Rose didn't want to rock the boat but when John asked her what she would like to do next, she felt eager for her opportunity.

John's reaction was almost immediate; his cup that was poised at his lips came down as his face clouded. A war of emotions flashed across his face and Rose could tell that the answer was no. "No, then?" Rose asked, a huff of breath coming out in a cloud. "Going to continue to be mysterious, then?"

"Rose…..don't" John said, sounding tired.

Rose turned and faced him, watching the snowflakes land on his hair and face. "Don't what? Ask you about yourself? Try to figure out who the hell you are?" she asked, anger and hurt rising up in her. "This is so damn hard…not knowing anything and you aren't making it any easier"

"Rose…it'll come back to you in no time" John encouraged. Rose knew he was doing it because he didn't want to tell her anything.

"Yeah, and what if it doesn't?" Rose asked, stopping in the street, not caring if anyone ran into her. She stood still and stared at John.

"It will" John said stubbornly, anger passing over his countenance.

"But what if it doesn't?" Rose insisted. Though she didn't want to think of it as a possibility, she knew that it could be.

"I'm not going to think of that as a possibility!" John said loudly, worry passing through his eyes before he looked away and began to walk slowly. Rose walked after him, her stomach twisting. John looked upset, worried even; he didn't want to even consider that she didn't get her memory back. She didn't know if that should be considered a good thing or a bad thing.

"I'm just worried…I don't like to think about it either" Rose said, walking beside John. His eyes were focused ahead, not looking at her and he didn't speak so she went on. "I just want to know you…..really know you. Even though I woke up and I didn't know you, I felt like I did deep down. You were so nice to me, you seemed to like me….it's not the sort of treatment that I'm really used to. You and my mum are the only things I have right now; I can't even trust myself or my own memories. I know it isn't the best, us having to get to know each other again, but I would like us to try…..just in case"

John finally turned and when he did, he didn't look angry anymore but he looked sad, terribly sad. "I can't show you my house, Rose because I don't have one" John admitted. "Before all of this, my life was traveling with you. I didn't have a house and so now I'm just bouncing around. I don't have a family…..none at all. My whole life is traveling and moving on because there was literally nothing to hold me here"

Rose felt her lunch sink in her stomach like a weight. The sadness in his eyes, the emotion in his voice…it all spoke of a man that had lost a great deal. Rose was overwhelmed by sadness; John seemed like such a happy and carefree guy. What a horrible sorrow to bear if he really had no one or nothing that kept him here. Well, nothing but her…..

"I'm…I'm sorry I asked" Rose said, her own voice filled with emotion.

John was fighting to move on from the emotional moment. "It's okay" he said, even though they both felt like it wasn't. "It's just not something I like to think about"

Rose felt guilty for asking and she was eager to change the subject. "Well, then let's do something else, yeah?" she asked, giving John a small smile.

John smiled back small. "Yeah" he agreed.


	12. Chapter 12

Over the next week, things between John and Rose smoothed out. John seemed to make an effort to help Rose know him, opening up to her and talking a little more about his mysterious past, though Rose made sure not to ask him anymore about his family. After the startling incidence with the mind technique, Rose had forgiven John and they had begun to experiment with it again. Every day, they worked a little more on the strange haze that was clouding Rose's memories. Each day, the cloud got smaller and not as bright; at night, Rose would catch snippets of her memory, often with John in them. Rose shared each new memory with John and they were really encouraging. John told her that she was getting close to regaining her full memory and Rose was excited.

With Christmas nearly here, Rose was busy splitting her time between John and Jackie. It was nearly time for the big Christmas party that her grandmother Prentice would throw every year and Rose was excited about seeing her family that she didn't often get to see. She hadn't told John about it yet but she wanted to ask him to go with her. He didn't exactly seem like the formal party kind of guy and she didn't know how he'd react. She was also a little reluctant to ask because it sounded oddly like a date. Rose's face blushed when she thought about that. She couldn't deny to herself that she was growing deep feelings for the man in leather who said he wasn't her boyfriend but acted much differently than a friend. Rose enjoyed the time that she spent with John and when they were apart, she found herself looking forward to when she would see him again. When she would get ready in the mornings, she felt her palms get sweaty and her heart begin to race at the thought of seeing him soon. She knew well enough to figure out what that meant. She liked him more than just as a proper mate, even though she knew that she shouldn't. He was older than her, much older and he said that they were just mates. He didn't have feelings for her; mostly likely his deep caring for her was because he was acting as a protector over her.

Rose was quite sure that a lot of her growing feelings for John had to do with their daily memory techniques. It was a strange thing and Rose should have felt scared by it, scared like she had that one day he had pushed too hard. But every day she found herself wanting to start their sessions more and more. Though it was supposed to only help her with her memory, she found herself longing for the nudge of John's mind against her own. It was like a warm touch that she hadn't eve known she needed until she had had it. Now it seemed as necessary to her as physical touch. She hadn't expressed this to John; she didn't know if this was normal and she didn't want to voice such an embarrassing need if she wasn't supposed to have it.

That was where she and John found theirselves, two days before the Christmas party. Rose was gearing up to ask John to accompany her to the party but right now they were knee deep in their mind methods.

Rose could see the bright cloud blocking her memories ahead of her; right now it was like a fog that she could see beginning to dissipate. John nudged her mind toward it and Rose gasped involuntarily; the cloud was becoming incredibly thin.

"Do you want me to stop?" she heard John ask as a question to her gasp.

"No…..no don't stop" Rose said, slightly out of breath. "I feel like I'm getting close to remembering. Keep pushing"

"Alright" John said. A second later, Rose could feel John push her even harder. The bright yellow cloud fizzled out. She could see swirling of colors and flashes of light behind it, like a television cycling through channels and she urged her mind toward it. The images were moving too fast for her to see but she was getting closer and closer…if only she could get close enough that she could see…

"Ah!" Rose called out, gripping her head as a terrible pain shot through it. She cursed as she opened her eyes and looked John. She was breathing heavy from the exertion and when she looked at John he was too. "I was so close!" Rose bemoaned. If only she could have kept going….

"You were almost there, Rose" John said out of breath, giving her a smile. "That was so good"

"Can we go again?" Rose asked. She felt so tried, weary in her mind. She knew she shouldn't push it but she wanted so much to remember.

But John knew better. "No" he said. "I think that's enough for now. Let's take a break"

Rose and John walked into the kitchen, grabbing a drink of water before sitting down at the table.

"You're doing really well, Rose" John said as he sipped his water, looking tired himself from the memory work. "I can't believe how quickly you're moving"

Rose smiled, her mind still bristling from the touch of John's. "It's all with your help…..I might still be hopelessly lost without your help" Rose said shyly. She took a drink of water to hide her blush and then glanced at the clock. " Mum will be home anytime now" she said. She had plans to do some Christmas shopping with Jackie so she and John would be cutting their day short.

"Is that a hint I should show myself to the door?" John asked with a cheeky smile.

"No…..you know mum doesn't mind you being here" Rose said. She didn't think Jackie was fully aware of how much time she was spending with John and she didn't know anything of their memory techniques, but what she didn't know wouldn't always hurt her.

"All the same, I think I'll show myself out before she gets here" John said with a smile, his mind obviously going to where hers had.

"Alright…..if you want to be a chicken, go right ahead" Rose teased.

John looked offended. "I am anything but chicken" he said. "I just think your mum might prefer to be a little in the dark about how much time I'm here. She might think I'm a freeloader or something"

"And you're not?" Rose teased, tongue in her teeth.

"Hey, I surely am not" John asked in exaggerated offense. There was a long stretch of silence and felt that for some reason it was uncomfortable. John was shifting in his seat a lot and avoiding eye contact now.

"Rose, can I ask you something?" John asked finally, looking down at the table.

Rose felt her stomach stir; usually when someone asked that, it wasn't a good thing. "Sure" she said, trying not to sound worried.

"What are you doing for dinner tonight?" John asked.

"Nothing I guess" Rose said. At least she was fairly sure that her mum didn't want to have anything special for dinner.

John shifted a bit more. "Would you…like to have dinner with me?" he asked. He looked up at her for a moment and then backed down. His ears were turning red.

"I have dinner with you almost every night" Rose said with a smile. She had a feeling where this was going but she wanted him to say it.

"No…..that's not what I mean" John explained. "I…..I mean like…you know…..a proper dinner. Out somewhere"

Rose felt like her stomach was turning and twisting so much it felt like a swarm of butterflies were in it. John wanted to have a proper sit down dinner with her…..in a restaurant. Like a date. She had been so sure that he didn't share her feelings but now she had to wonder. The idea made her squirm in her chair with excitement. "Yeah…yeah…..that sounds good" Rose said, trying to contain the excitement that she felt.

John looked up at her finally and he was smiling one of his biggest and goofiest grins. "Good" he agreed with a simple nod.

….

Rose looked through her closest, tossing various items out and on the floor in frustration as she tried to figure out something to wear. Even though she liked all of her clothes well enough, right now they all seemed inadequate for what she needed. Everything either seemed too laid back, too dressy, made her look too fat…everything was just wrong in one way or another.

_That's because this is a date….._her mind screamed at her when she wondered why she felt so invested in this going alright. She kept trying to push the thought out of her mind. It wasn't a date….even if it _was _she couldn't allow herself to think about it as if it was. If it turned out that it wasn't, it would be too much of a disappointment. Right now, she was just going to play it by ear; if only she could find something to wear…

"Have a bit of storm in here? Or are you just redecorating?" she heard Jackie ask behind her. Rose tossed a jumper behind her as she turned around and found her mum leaning on the door frame, arms crossed and looking at her with a look of veiled concern. She hadn't exactly been too thrilled with the idea that Rose was 'going out' with John. She hadn't told her not to, but she hadn't exactly but up for the idea either. It had put a bit of a damper on the afternoon Christmas shopping.

"I can't find anything to wear" Rose said, bending down and rifling through clothes she had already discarded. She was avoiding looking at Jackie's piercing gaze. She didn't want to hear her talk about why she shouldn't be doing this.

"Rose, are you sure that this is something that you want to do?" Jackie asked, walking further into the room.

_Here we go…_Rose thought in frustration. She could feel a headache starting and that was the last thing that she needed right now. She didn't want her head and her lack of memories to ruin something good that was actually happening to her. "Mum, don't" Rose warned, keeping her back turned toward her mum as she looked through her clothes.

Jackie reached out, taking Rose's hand and pulling her so that she had to look at her. "What?" Rose demanded in a slightly frustrated voice.

"I just want to make sure that you know what you're doing" Jackie said, concern on her face. "You and John are friends…are you sure that you want to change things by going out on a date with him?"

Irritation boiled under Rose's skin; for as long as she could remember, she had seen her mum bring home an interesting mix of unsavory dates home. Half the time, she had felt like the parent in this relationship; and now she wanted to give Rose relationship advice? "Really, mum?" Rose asked in annoyance. "You want to give advice on relationships? Fine luck you've had of them, why would I want to take your advice? So I can bounce from guys every couple of weeks?" Rose knew it was a low blow but she didn't care. Jackie had given her plenty of grief through her sketchy dating history and she really didn't care what she said because she felt like it was the truth.

Jackie's face showed the visible hurt the statement caused. "I just want you to be careful" she said, her voice saddened and her eyes full.

Normally Rose would have felt sad at Jackie's sadness but now it just felt like a weakness and it spurred her on. "What? Are you going to try and give me the sex talk now?" she asked sarcastically, selecting a dress off of the floor and sitting it on her bed. When she turned around and sat down on her bed, she saw Jackie still staring at her, eyes full of tears.

"That's not what I meant. I think we both know you know what to do in that area" Jackie said, her own malice tinting her hurt tone. "I meant I want you to be careful when it comes to getting hurt. John might not be everything you think he is"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rose asked defensively.

"It just means…you and he could have very different ideas about what you are" Jackie said. "What he means to you and what you mean to him might be different things"

Rose shifted uncomfortably. She was waiting, hoping, for Jackie to make some joke about how she'd slap John if he had impure motivations but she didn't. She looked completely serious and that's what made it worse. Rose was so confused about everything as it was she didn't need her mum adding doubt on top of it. She just wanted this to be a good thing; she couldn't imagine John would have bad intentions. He was mysterious and a little strange but he had been nothing but sweet and kind to her.

"Mum, it doesn't mean anything" Rose said, trying to sound nicer but still sounding annoyed because she was. "We're just going out. It's not serious so just relax"

Jackie looked reluctant but she knew she'd lost the battle. "Fine…..whatever you say, Rose. I'm just trying to look out for you" she said, crossing her arms and walking towards the door.

Feeling finally that stab of guilt, Rose said, "Mum, wait" Jackie turned around, her face red. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to yell at you. I just…I know you're trying to take care of me, especially after all this stuff with my memory. I really just wanted to out and have a good time"

"It's okay, don't worry about it. Have fun" Jackie said, trying to put on a happy face but it was unconvincing. As Jackie walked out of the door, Rose lay back on the bed, rubbing her throbbing head and trying to sort out her thoughts.

…

Rose finally settled on a black dress that, upon putting it on seemed to be sexy-but-not-too-sexy but that felt strange after a few minutes. She was debating on whether or not to change when the John showed up and she found that she didn't care what she was wearing as much; the grin on John's face and his eyes, obvious travel over her made her feel like she had made the right decision. She had to admit that her own eyes did quite a bit of traveling; John dressed in pair of slightly too-tight jeans and a button down shirt, so different from his normal attire did a flutter in her stomach.

Now, as they walked along the street, the air cool and pleasant as the night sky came alive with stars, Rose resisted the urge to reach out and take John's hand. They had had dinner and while it was as easy to talk as it had been before, Rose could tell that something felt different. She didn't know what it was but it felt exciting. She had even managed to ignore the pounding in her head most of the night; now, though, it was catching up to her.

Her eyes focused on the stars up above, her eyes growing slightly blurry from the pain. "You ever wonder if there's anything else out there?" Rose asked, seeing John's gaze on her out of the corner of her eye as she studied the stars. She hoped that he didn't think it was a strange question. The stars had actually been on her mind quite a lot of time since she had had her accident. She dreamed about them nearly night and when she looked up at the night sky, she felt a connection with them. It was strange to her, seeing that she had never paid them much attention before.

"Oh, I wonder that a lot of time" John said, his own gaze looking up at the glittery dots in the sky. "You only have to look at the vastness of space and think there must be something out there besides us"

Rose looked at John, expecting him to make a joke but he didn't; he was serious. It was the kind of strangeness about him that might put people off but made her more intrigued. It seemed he believed in everything from werewolves or mermaids and now apparently aliens. "So, you really think aliens are real? You think we might one day be visited by little green men?" Rose asked with a laugh.

"Maybe not green….they could be blue or yellow, maybe polka dotted or covered in fur. They might surprise you" John said with a wide grin. "Might even look like just like you"

Rose looked at him fully. He was completely serious. "Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those alien hunters" she joked.

John held up his hands in mock surrender. "You caught me…..alien hunter. That's me" he said with a small laugh.

They walked along the street in silence for a little longer, gazing up at the sky. "I dream about the stars nearly every night now. Seem a bit strange to you?" Rose asked. She was surprised when she felt John's hand against her own. His skin felt cool and yet somehow it made her warm up at the touch.

"That doesn't seem strange at all" John said, his face serious. He gave her hand a squeeze, making Rose's heart do a flip flop.

They had nearly reached her flat when the pounding in Rose's head was beginning to grow unbearable.

"Rose, are you alright?" John asked, noticing Rose's spare hand rub her temple.

"I'm….fine" Rose said. She thought that she could make it until she got home, that she could stave off her pain until she could crawl into her bed and collapse. The night had been so nice and she was reluctant to break the contact with John that she didn't want to give into the pain quite yet.

But it seemed that Rose's head other plans; a sharp, knife like pain shot through her head, from one temple to the other. She felt her knees buckle, hitting the hard pavement. Her hand broke contact with John's as she grabbed her head. It felt like a fire raged through her head, burning up her brain and even her very thoughts. She gripped her head as if by some miracle doing so would help.

"Rose! What's wrong?" John said somewhere close to her, his voice full of panic. She was in so much pain that she couldn't open her eyes to look at him, couldn't speak. She felt her body curl in as another wave of pain wracked her head. Another and another until Rose was sure she was screaming. Just when she thought she might die from the pain, everything finally went dark.


	13. Chapter 13

_Rose was standing outside, the wind blowing through her hair and giving her a chill. _

_"__Tell me…..who are you?" Rose asked John, who turned around and gave her a look that made her feel much cooler than the wind was capable of doing. _

_"__Do you know like we were saying about the Earth revolving?" John asked, clad in his trademark leather jacket and jumper. He walked up to her. "It's like when you were a kid. The first time they tell you the world's turning and you just can't quite believe it because everything looks like it's standing still. I can _feel_ it." His voice was so passionate, so full of life, practically dancing with excitement. He reached out and took his hand in hers. His voice gained speed and his eyes grew more intense the more that he spoke. "The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and the entire planet is hurtling round the sun at sixty seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go….." John's intense dialog cut off as he let go of Rose's hand. "That's who I am. Now, forget me, Rose Tyler. Go home." _

_John held up what looked like a shop dummy's plastic arm before he turned around and began to walk away. She watched as he walked down the street, turning and walking in the opposite direction. When she heard a grinding, whooshing sound, she turned around and walked back to where John had been standing but he was long gone. _

"Rose! Whoa! Calm down!"

Rose jerked awake so violently she felt pain run through her muscles. She could feel something like resistance, like hands on her and when she opened her eyes, she saw John sitting on the bed next to her, trying to fight the hands that were swatting at him. Rose gathered her surroundings and lay back on the bed. Her head was aching so badly she could barely open her eyes. She rubbed her head as a groan escaped her lips. "Ah…..my head…..it's killing me…"

She opened her eyes briefly and could see John looking at her with a pale look of alarm on his face before he seemed to snap out of it. "Here, let me help" he said, putting his hands on her temples. As John used his fingers to massage the sensitive spots, she could feel that calm, cooling sensation like a wave of cold water go through her head.

"Ah…that's so much better" Rose said when most of the pain had subsided. John withdrew his hands and Rose lay back down on the bed. She could see John was still dressed up and it reminded her what had happened; the terrible pain, passing out in the middle of their date.

"Sorry" Rose said feeling terribly tired and spent.

"Sorry? About what?" John asked.

"Sorry about passing out, right in the middle of our night out. I'm not much fun, am I?" Rose laughed in self-depreciation.

John didn't laugh. "Hey, don't say that" he chided her. "I had a great time. I'm only worried about you. What exactly happened out there?" He grabbed her hand and squeezed it, making Rose feel calmer.

"I don't know…..I had a headache and then suddenly it hurt so bad I couldn't see anything. I got dizzy and then I passed out and….." Rose paused, remembering the dream that she had had. For some reason it felt like more than a dream; like maybe it had bearing in memory. But it was strange, so strange that she felt like maybe she shouldn't share it.

"I think maybe we should take a break, with trying to get your memory back" John said seriously, worry in his eyes.

"What? Why?" Rose asked. "It was just a headache"

"It wasn't just a headache. You passed out. I think we've been pushing too hard" John said severely. "I don't want to hurt you."

"But it's not hurting me…..it's helping!" Rose insisted desperately. "I've almost got back my memories." Rose didn't want John to think that she couldn't handle it and make her stop. She felt it was urgent she get back her memories; she was so close. She felt like everything would finally make sense if she could just get her memories back.

John squeezed her hand. "Let's just see how it goes, okay?" he said. His tone was soft but Rose knew not to push.

Rose remained quiet for a few moments, fighting off the sudden urge to start a childish argument. "Where did you learn how to do all of this? You never told me how you learned to do all of these memory techniques." She said finally, wanting to change the subject away from her resentment that he wouldn't push her memories.

John squirmed, looking uncomfortable. "I told you….it's just a mind relaxation technique" he said vaguely.

"I know that" Rose said. "But who taught it to you?"

John thought for a long moment before he said, "A group of teachers called time lords"

"Time lords?" Rose paused for a moment, thinking it over. Something about that word seemed so familiar but she couldn't place her finger on it. "What is that? Like some sort of sect?"

"More like a bunch of old guys arguing in a library" John said with a smile, making Rose laugh.

Rose relaxed, yawning widely. She felt like she could pass out any minuet; she couldn't wait until the days where just being awake didn't require so much energy. "I really am sorry about all of this" she said. "I promise if we do this again, I'll try not to pass out on you"

"I thought we agreed that you had nothing to be sorry about?" John said with a raise of his eyebrows. "And I had actually already planned on doing this again…..if you'll have me, that is"

John was grinning mischievously and Rose couldn't resist doing the same. John wanted to go on another date? Her stomach fluttered nervously. "Oh, really?" she asked, She pretended to think it over. "Well, I suppose I'll have you."

John looked slightly ecstatic and the fluttering in Rose's belly increased. "I was thinking…." She started off, feeling emboldened. "Maybe our next outing could be my granny Prentice's Christmas party? It's on Saturday. I thought maybe we could go together?"

John looked a little uncertain for a moment but then he smiled. "Sure…..that sounds fantastic" he said.

Rose felt happiness rising up inside of her. "Good" she agreed. She'd be lying to herself if she didn't deny she couldn't wait for a chance to see John in a tux and get a chance to dance with him. And not the getting drunk and throwing each other across the room kind of dancing either. "Mum and I are leaving here at 6. You can meet us here. You'll have to leave your trusty leather jacket here" Rose said with a slight smile.

John looked slightly offended. "Oi! What's wrong with my jacket?" he asked.

"Nothing….you'll just have to turn it in for a tux for one night" Rose said.

"A tux?" John asked as if it was the worst thing in the world. "Ah…..my unlucky tux"

Rose laughed. "Well, maybe that night will make your unlucky tux lucky" she said. She didn't realize how it sounded until she saw the mischievous smile spread across John's face. "Uh…..I mean…..what I meant was, maybe you'll have fun, rather than a poor time" Rose stumbled out.

John was still silently laughing. "Well, maybe…I hope you're right" he said. He looked down at his lap for a moment, lost in his own thoughts. "You look tired…..I suppose I'll let you get some sleep."

Rose looked down at the bed, willing away her fatigue but it was too heavy. "Alright. See you Saturday?"

John nodded. "See you Saturday" he agreed. He had made it half way to the door before Rose noticed her very obvious bedtime attire. She was clad in one of her oldest and frumpiest set of pyjamas. She lifted the covers up higher in embarrassment.

"What…..uh, what happened to my dress?" Rose asked, her ears glowing.

Rose was glad when she saw John's ample ears turn red. "Oh! Well, that wasn't me. That was your mum. She did that…..not me. Certainly not me. She was here before…but she let. Honestly….."

Rose laughed at his embarrassment. "It's alright, John" she said. "I'll see you Saturday"

John smiled and waved awkwardly as he left the room. As soon as he had gone, Rose crumpled deep into her covers, closing her eyes. She knew she was near sleep even though part of her dreaded it. She didn't want another strange dream when she couldn't force the previous one out. The dream with John seemed so incredibly _real. _But she didn't want it to be real because it made absolutely no sense. Though she tried to still her aching mind, she fell asleep with that strange whooshing and grinding noise in her ears.

….

The Doctor walked down the hallway, hopeful that he would make it out of the flat without a confrontation. When he saw Jackie on the couch with a cup of tea, he knew it wouldn't be that easy.

"Well?" Jackie asked, setting her tea cup down and looking at the Doctor.

"Well, goodnight" The Doctor said and tried to make a hasty exit toward the door but he didn't get that lucky.

"Goodnight nothing" Jackie said, getting up and blocking the path to the door. "Tell me what's going on, Doctor"

The Doctor swallowed heavily; he knew this was coming. When he had carried an unconscious Rose into the flat, Jackie had been furious and anxious. He'd been able to dodge her questions when she ushered him out to put her into bed but he knew it couldn't last. He didn't want to talk to Jackie; he didn't want to have to admit he still didn't have any idea what to do with Rose. He'd been helping her try to get her memory back and while she was making progress, he wasn't sure it was a good thing. Her episode this night was frightening and he wondered if he kept pushing he might have damage her mind permanently.

"She's fine" the Doctor said vaguely. "She had a headache, got a little dizzy. She's fine"

"Is she? She didn't look fine" Jackie said worriedly. "She was passed out cold. She didn't wake once when I was putting her into bed."

The Doctor sighed. "She woke up, she was talking, laughing….trust me. She's alright" he said.

"Did that happen because of what was in her head? Did it cause damage?" Jackie asked anxiously.

The Doctor knew Jackie was worried so he resisted the urge to be snappy because of his own worry. "If you mean is she brain damaged, no" he said firmly. "But yes, the headaches, the visions…that is all from the time vortex being inside her head. Like I've already said, I don't know what to expect from it. She'll be fine…..it just takes some time" The Doctor said it to calm her as much as himself.

Jackie looked thoughtful. "What's the deal with the two of you?" she asked suddenly and the Doctor didn't like the look on her face.

"What do you mean?" the Doctor asked.

"The two of you…..you know what I mean" Jackie said suspiciously. "Going out on a date…..what's that about?"

The Doctor resisted the urge to just leave and not answer her questions. "We weren't on a date. We just went to dinner" the Doctor dodged defensively.

"Rose called it a date" Jackie said, her eyes narrowing like a hawk zeroing in for a kill.

"Well, then Rose was mistaken" The Doctor said roughly. He dodged around Jackie and was opening the door when he heard Jackie say behind him, "Don't hurt her, Doctor"

The Doctor's blood ran cold in his veins. The last thing he'd ever want to do would be to hurt Rose. He turned around toward Jackie. "I'm not going to hurt her" the Doctor said, his voice quiet.

"She's more sensitive than she looks" Jackie said, her tone sad, her worry for her daughter obvious in her eyes. "She would never let you know how much she cares; even now, without her memories she still loves you. I knew it was a losing battle the second you brought her home; it was confirmed to me when she told me she'd rather go off to find you and die than stay on Earth. But she'd never say it….she'd never let you know how much she cares for you. And she'd never let you know how much it hurt if she got the wrong idea about what your intentions are. But please…don't do this to her. She's vulnerable."

"Jackie, I would never-" The Doctor started but Jackie cut him off.

"If you're going to act like you love her, you better be prepared to finish it" Jackie said darkly, worry in her expression.

"It's not an act" The Doctor said, his voice sincere. He didn't want to believe Jackie's words at first. It was too hard to believe that he had so made an impression on Rose that she couldn't bear a human life….that she loved him. But if there was one thing he knew about mothers, especially this mother, was that they knew their children. He knew what she was saying was true and it cut him in his hearts. It hurt even more that Jackie thought his care for Rose was an act.

"It's not an act at all" the Doctor said again in defense before he slipped out of the door before she could think of anything else to charge him with.


	14. Chapter 14

Rose stayed under the water of the shower head, feeling some relief as the warm water moved over her forehead. It seemed now that she nearly always had a headache and very few things seemed to help. Medication did nothing; really, the only thing that helped was John's strange trick with massaging her head. The thought of it alone gave her a little shiver.

She hadn't seen John since he'd left her in her room after their date. That had only been a day ago but she already found she missed him; talking to him, seeing him, laughing with him. She even missed their working on her memory. Sometimes, she felt almost like her mind was _aching _for that. She hoped that John hadn't been serious when he said that they should take a break; she was so close to getting her memories back that she almost felt she could touch them. If she could just get them back, everything would go back to normal, she felt. She would stop having headaches, she would stop dreaming of bright yellow light and blue boxes; she would know who she really was.

When the water began to run cold, Rose grabbed a towel and stepped out of the shower. She wrapped the towel around herself and walked back to her bedroom, drying off before discarding the towel and grabbing her dress out of the closet. She slipped into her dressing gown, putting the dress on the bed and admiring it as she dried her hair. While she had made an effort to look good but not too done up for her date with John, she was not doing that for tonight's outing. Her grandmother's Christmas parties were always a perfect time to dress up and this one was especially no exception. She had picked out her nicest dress, a deep purple color, low cut on the chest and short, with matching high heel shoes. She thought about how John had obviously enjoyed her look the other night and wondered excitedly what his reaction would be to this racier choice.

Rose had dried and mostly brushed her hair when there was a knock on the door. "Come in" Rose said as Jackie walked into the door. She was also in her dressing gown, her hair half up and half down.

"How are you feeling?" Jackie asked, looking at Rose critically. Ever since Rose had passed out the other night, Jackie had been especially watchful of her; too watchful.

"I'm fine, Mum" Rose said. "I just have a headache. That's all." Rose wished she hadn't passed out at all; her mum and John were making an entirely too big deal of it.

"Alright, alright" Jackie said defensively. "I was just checking, you know"

Rose gave her mother a smile; she knew that she was just doing it because she cared. "I know" she said good naturedly.

"Your granny can't wait to see you" Jackie said, admiring Rose's dress. "It's been ages since she's seen you."

It occurred to Rose that she hadn't really thought about what she might have missed from the past two years from her memory. "Mum…..does everyone know? About my accident?" she asked suddenly.

Jackie turned and looked at her. "Oh, sweetheart" she said sympathetically. "I did mention you had a bit of an accident. I told them that things were a bit fuzzy still; I downplayed it so no one would ask many questions"

That came as a relief; Rose didn't want to have to talk about the accident that she didn't remember. "Thanks Mum" Rose said.

"Don't you worry" Jackie said, "Tonight is all about having a good time. Just like your granny's parties always are."

"You're right" Rose said positively with a nod of her head. She was already deep in expectation of what tonight would be like. She couldn't wait to see John in the 'unlucky' tux.

"So…you invited John, did you?" Jackie asked, rousing Rose out of her errant thoughts.

"Yeah…..course I did" Rose said care freely, brushing her hair unnecessarily so that she didn't have to look at her mum. She didn't want to give Jackie a chance to see how excited she was about all of this.

"That'll be nice" Jackie said pointedly. "Did you two have fun the other night?"

"You mean before I keeled over?" Rose joked.

"Rose, you don't have to be so carefree about this" Jackie chided.

Rose turned around and faced Jackie. "Why not, mum?" she asked. "I can't do anything about it, so why not make jokes?"

"I suppose you're right….a good way to look at it" Jackie mused. She moved on quickly. "So…..did you have a good time?"

Rose sighed. "It was just dinner, Mum" she said. "We had dinner, we walked back home. That was it. Hope you didn't give him a hard time when he left here that night"

"Well, someone has to give him hell" Jackie joked, "that's how you keep men in line"

Rose laughed. "I think I can whip him into shape if need be" she assured her.

Jackie smiled. "That you can" she agreed but Rose thought her voice sounded just a bit too sad.

….

The Doctor felt like a clown, felt like a complete idiot when he looked in the mirror. Normally, he was pretty confident in his fashion sense, so to feel so stupid twice in one week had to be some kind of record. He hated tuxes, he really did; they looked ridiculous and he hadn't been lying when he told Rose that something bad always seemed to happen when he wore them.

_"__Well, maybe that night will make your unlucky tux lucky" _Rose's words came back to him and made him smile like an idiot in the mirror. The TARDIS nudged him, as if encouraging this train of thought.

"Hey….no one asked you" The Doctor said to her but he knew his hearts weren't in it. He was moving into dangerous territory and he knew it. His feelings for Rose, which had always been strong, had not ever been returned while they had been traveling together. He had hidden his own feelings because he knew that Rose didn't share them. But now, strangely, it seemed she was returning them. When it was just him, not space aliens or time travel; just him sitting around doing human things with her. With a pain in his stomach, it occurred to him that maybe that was what she really wanted. Maybe deep down she really wanted to settle down on Earth with just a regular bloke and that certainly wasn't him. But with a sense of hope he wondered if Rose might not have had had these feelings all along as well and just kept them hidden like he had. She had ripped the time vortex from the TARDIS and put it into her head just to get to him. But with regret, the Doctor thought about how that was the only reason she was like she was now. But then again, had she not, he most likely would have been dead now.

The Doctor forced his thoughts out of his musings from the past and to the present day; mainly, this awful party he was attending. He didn't do domestics and he didn't do families…and somehow Rose had gotten him to agree to going to a party with her entire family. He cringed inside; why had he agreed to do this?

A forceful image popped into his head from the TARDIS of Rose, all beautiful blonde hair and smiles, hugging him tightly. He scowled at his ship. "It was a rhetorical question" he chided the ship but he had to admit he enjoyed the intrusion no less. He knew why he had agreed to do this even though it was something that he normally wouldn't have agreed to; Rose could, and always had been able to get him to do things that he normally wouldn't.

Giving himself one last critical look in the mirror, the Doctor turned away and walked out of the TARDIS. The air in London was bitingly cold that evening, much colder than it had been the previous days and the Doctor suddenly found himself wishing for warmer weather. When this was all over, he was going to take Rose somewhere warm…..somewhere with a beach. They didn't go to those sorts of places nearly enough. The Doctor was struck with the realization of how many places he had never taken Rose before; there were so many places they'd never made it to. He'd expected that the itch to travel, to get away and do something would have struck him before now but he really didn't care. All he wanted was for Rose to get her memory back; until that happened, nothing else in his life it seemed could go forward.

The Doctor smoothed out his ridiculous tux once last time as he knocked on Rose and Jackie's door. He heard the sound of voices and scuffling behind the door for a few seconds before Rose opened the door. The Doctor felt all of the air being pulled out of his lungs as his superior respiratory bypass failed him. It wasn't too often that something managed to take his breath away these days; at 900, there were very little surprises left in the universe. But Rose, as usual was the exception to that rule. She looked as beautiful as he had ever seen her before. Her golden hair fell across her in perfect waves, landing on her glorious bare shoulders. Her dress accentuated every perfect curve she had, revealing more of Rose's creamy, flawless skin than he had ever seen; he knew he was staring but he couldn't be bothered to care. Rose had a wide, excited smile on her face that seemed to make her entire face glow with something that pulled at the Doctor's hearts. She was perfect and so beautiful that it made his ancient soul ache.

"Hello…you can come in, you know. If you'd like" Rose said with a laugh after the Doctor had obviously been standing there still too long, staring.

"Blimey…you look beautiful" The Doctor found himself blurting it out before he could think about it. But unlike the one other time he had said it, when Rose had been dressed in a long, perfectly fitted red and black dress perfect for the late 1800s, he didn't try to cover up his mistake. There was no jib that she was beautiful for a human. She was just beautiful.

Rose blushed deeply at the lavish praise. "Oh…..thank you" she said, looking at her appearance as if expecting to find something there she hadn't seen before. She looked back at him. "You look very nice, very handsome" she said, giving him an award winning smile.

"Thanks" the Doctor said, feeling something strange stirring inside him at the uncharacteristic compliment.

Rose stepped away from the door, looking slightly flustered. "Well, uh….just have a seat, I'm just finishing helping Mum out getting ready" she said before rushing off down the hallway. The Doctor took a seat down on the couch, waiting for Rose expectantly, wanting her to come back but at the same time not really wanting to go to the party. He was torn between the potential of the party and wishing that this was just another night of sitting around the flat alone with Rose. He could feel something on the verge, could feel that Rose and he were on the edge of something they had never shared before. He knew they were close to a place they had always avoided, one that was full of potential danger. He thought back to when Rose had been unconscious after he pulled the time vortex out of her head; he'd promised himself if she had woken up he wouldn't waste whatever time they had. But putting that into practice, when his dual hearts had the potential to be completely shattered, was a lot harder than simply thinking it. He wished that he was back in the TARDIS; she would give him some thought or memory that would spurn him on, encourage him toward doing something about Rose. But as it was, it was just him and all he was left with was racing hearts, sweaty hands and a mountain of doubt.

The Doctor was shifting uncomfortably with nothing else to do but be lost in his thoughts when Rose and Jackie finally returned to the room. Jackie, dressed in an elegant long black dress, gave the Doctor a once over as she entered the room. "Ah…..he can clean up nice" she said with some joking skepticism.

The Doctor bit his tongue to prevent pointing out that she had hit on him the first time that she had seen him. "Yeah, would you look at that?" The Doctor said in mock surprise. "That I can. Wish I could say the same about you"

"Oi!" Jackie cried indignantly. Rose was stifling a laugh next to her.

"Alright, let's not start fighting already" Rose said, stepping in to prevent things from getting ugly. She succeeded very well in diverting the attention to herself.

"I'll be good if she will" The Doctor said with a playful jib at Jackie.

"Yeah, like I'm the one that's the trouble starter" Jackie said, grabbing her coat and purse as she made her way to the door.

Rose turned toward the Doctor and held out her arm. "Ready?" she asked.

The Doctor smiled at he took Rose's outstretched arm. "Always."

…

Rose scanned the group of people, smiling as she located John, finding him right where she expected him to be; at the food table. He had wandered off several times and nearly every time she found him securely at the food table. She watched as he picked up a hordurve, looked at it untrustingly and gave it a sniff before setting it down again, thinking no one was watching. Rose put a hand over her mouth and pretended to not laugh. He shuffled around the table uncomfortably before she watched him walk off toward the side door and out into the garden.

Rose was actually surprised it had taken John this long before he bailed. While Jackie had spread the word quite well through the family about not asking Rose about the accident, John on the other hand was fair game. He was a topic of great interest, her female relatives wanting to know all of the details of how they met, where they had traveled to. John had, thankfully, stepped in an answered most of the questions since Rose didn't remember any of it. She actually got quite a delight hearing him tell and retell how they had met one day while she was working at Henrick's and grand stories of their vast travels. New York, Madrid, Paris…..it all sounded so glorious to Rose and she didn't have a single memory of it. She found herself watching John as he told the stories, on edge at the words as everyone else was though John had a knack for telling interesting stories without telling much at all. Rose began to wonder more and more as the night wore on if she wasn't missing something really big about their relationship; she didn't know how they could have gone to all of these exotic places together for what sounded like months and remained just friends. She and he had barely left the flat and she already felt like they were having some very close adventures. And she had a nagging feeling that John was leaving something very important out of his stories; she couldn't place her finger on what the issue was but she felt like his stories had been altered somewhat.

Rose gave John a few uninterrupted minuets out in the garden before she wandered out after him. When she found him, he was leaning on the balcony railing, looking out at the stars in the sky with a look of longing that suggested that he wished he was out there. Rose leaned on the balcony next to him. "Looking for your aliens?" Rose asked, giving him a smile.

John looked a little sad when he turned toward her. "Don't think I'm going to find my aliens out there" he said sweetly. Something in his eyes looked suddenly incredibly sad and ancient, as if he had lived a thousand lives.

"Ah, you never know" Rose encouraged. "You'll never find them if you don't believe"

"You don't believe in aliens" John said with a smile, nudging her arm.

"You don't know, I might" Rose said unconvincingly.

"Do you?" John asked.

"Well…..not really" Rose admitted. "But if I saw some evidence…..you never know"

There was a small pause before Rose said, "So…..you're not looking for aliens. Hiding then?"

John laughed. "Hiding? Hiding from what?" he asked.

"I dunno" Rose said. "The prying eyes of all of my relatives?"

John laughed again. "Ah, they're just curious" he said. "No reason to hide from them"

"Hiding from me then?" Rose asked cheekily, turning sideways to look at John. He turned sideways toward her, a curious look on his face.

"Why would I need to hide from you?" he asked.

"Well, someone's been promising me a dance and yet there's no dancing being had" Rose teased.

"I thought I had already showed you I could dance" John quibbed, a mischievous smile on his lips.

"If you're counting that drunken fling across the flat, it's surely not the best you've got" Rose pushed. She could see John's eyes light up with the challenge.

"Oh, you want moves? I'll show you moves, Miss Tyler" John said challengingly.

Rose smiled in triumph as John put his hands on her hips, pulling her close for a slow dance. Rose's hands looped around John's neck. "Dancing out in the garden? There's not even music" Rose teased.

John smiled. "Maybe we'll just have to pretend" he said, humming a calming little tone.

The wind of the December night was cool against her skin and Rose moved a little closer to John, trying to soak in his warmth. She was keenly aware of the low position of John's hands and her heart was beating faster than it had been a moment ago. She got lost in the motion of their gentle swaying, listening to the sound of John's humming. When she looked up, she found his eyes were firmly planted on her. His icy blue eyes, which minutes ago had looked aged and tired, now bore on her with extreme fierceness. It made Rose shiver slightly.

"Cold?" John asked.

Rose blushed; nothing seemed to miss John's notice. "A little" she admitted. She was surprised when John broken contact with her so that he could slip his jacket off his own shoulders and place it around her own. Rose instantly felt warmer at the small action than she should have. Once the large jacket was settled on her, John put his hands back where they rested for their dance as if nothing had happened.

Rose grinned. "You know, you look tough but I bet you're just a big softie, aren't you?" she said.

John pretended to be highly offended. "I _am _tough. I don't just look tough" he argued.

"A big tough guy that gives away his coat because I gave one little shiver?" Rose teased.

"Oi! You can be tough and still be a gentlemen" he said with mock seriousness.

"I suppose that's true" Rose granted him. As they continued to sway slowly, barely moving as Rose got lost in her thoughts, she couldn't help but think of their shared past, one she didn't remember. She couldn't help but be bothered for the thousandth time that she couldn't remember what had happened before the accident.

"Penny for your thoughts?" John asked, noticing her attention drifting away.

"I was just thinking…about all of those stories you told tonight" Rose said, looking up at him.

"What about it?" John asked. His hands shifted slightly on her hips and Rose used the movement to scoot ever closer to him.

"I…..I don't remember any of it" Rose said. "It sounds like we had some really good times"

John grinned so she could see all of his pearly teeth. "We have had the best of times" he said.

Rose felt a jolt in her stomach as if she had been kicked. She wished so much she could remember; what if she never remembered? Would John eventually get tired of waiting? "I wish my bloody memory would come back…I want to be able to remember those times. I want to have an exciting and amazingly life again." Rose's voice cracked at end of her words and she wished that it hadn't. She felt overly emotional at the prospect that she might never remember the wonderful life she had shared with John.

Suddenly, Rose felt John's hand on her chin, lifting her face to look at him. "Listen, Rose" he said his voice serious and intense. "You will get your memory back…I know you will. And even if you don't, we will still have a fantastic time"

Rather than making her less emotional, Rose could feel the lump grow larger in her throat. John's face was so close to her own that she could feel the hot cloud of his breath against her cheek. "But the traveling…..the adventures….." Rose tried to argue.

John gave her warmest smile she had ever seen. "Rose, we're having an adventure right now" he said, his voice giving a note of excitement.

Rose bit her lip; how could John say this was an adventure when he had traveled all over the world? "We are?" she asked in slight disbelief.

"Yes" John said softly, his eyes widening in excitement as he looked at her. "Getting to know you all over again… watching telly in your flat, eating chips…..dancing. It's all a new experience and it is fantastic"

Despite the coldness of the night, Rose felt a warm sensation spreading from her head to her toes. She couldn't imagine that this strange, unusual, unique man who had seen the world would find anything interesting in sitting around the flat doing nothing with her, a common girl from a council estate. But when she looked into his eyes, the earnestness of his smile, she knew that he was completely sincere.

John's hand remained on Rose's face even though he now had her complete attention. Rose's hands slipped from his neck and to his hips, aware of the beating of her heart in her ears as they just stared at each other Rose thought she should say something but she didn't know what to say and she didn't want to ruin the moment either. Her eyes were locked on John's, fully aware that his lips were getting closer and closer; she was sure at some point that her heart stopped.

"Rose! Oh…..there you are" Jackie's voice broke the moment as quickly as it had come, as she burst from the house and into the garden. On instinct, Rose broke the contact with John and put a respectable distance from John. Rose could tell by the pleasant smile on Jackie's face that she must not have seen what almost happened.

"I've been looking everywhere for you" Jackie said, "It's getting on one o'clock. Ready to go?"

"Yes…yes" Rose said hastily, trying to brush the incident off before Jackie could get suspicious. When she looked over at John, she saw him smiling cheekily and she felt a flutter in her stomach.


	15. Chapter 15

Rose was tired and her head beginning to ache once more as she slipped into her room that night. She wasted little time in slipping out of the uncomfortable shoes and dress and putting on her pyjamas. She lay down comfortably in bed though she knew sleep wouldn't come for a long time. Though she closed her eyes to stave off the terrible headache she knew was coming, she couldn't help but give into her thoughts of the night she had had.

Ever since she had woken up, Rose had felt a great weight on her shoulders to get her memory back. It was highly unsettling just in itself to have no recollection of two years of your life; she had had no idea who exactly she was anymore. But as hard as that was for her to get past, it was harder still the more she learned about her previous life. The time she had spent with John was mysterious and enticing and she longed to be able to remember it. Most of her life had been so common, so ordinary. She wanted to know about a life she had where she wasn't either of those things. She felt pressure, just from herself, not from John, to get those memories back. While John wanted to be cautious about the memory techniques they used, she was whiling to push the boundaries so that she could make more progress. She wanted nothing more than to get rid of these awful dreams, headaches and memory loss. But tonight she had felt a weight of that was off of her shoulders.

John didn't seem that concerned about her getting memories back; while he thought fondly on their travels, he seemed genuine when he said that what they had now was an adventure. She'd been worrying subconsciously the whole time since the accident that if she didn't remember soon he might grow tired of this and leave. And he still could; but Rose felt he really was telling the truth. She could see it in his eyes; though John did have a very tough exterior, he had a way of showing his emotions freely in his eyes and she could tell he wasn't going to leave.

He was going to kiss her if they hadn't been interrupted; Rose was certain of that. She could feel the tension, the expectation of the moment as he had leaned in; one more minuet alone and Rose knew that it would have happened. The thought of it brought a smile to her face in the darkness of her room. There had been so much pain and feeling of loss since she had woken up but finally she was feeling like good things were starting to happen. She still didn't quite believe John when he said that they had never been a couple. Their time together after her accident had been relatively short and they had already reached that point she felt; how had they not when they were running around all sorts of exotic locations? She wasn't sure she believed it, though John had no reason to lie. And what really mattered was it was happening now. She thought in expectation of the day ahead, wondering what would happen when she saw him again, and even though her head ached terribly, she drifted off to sleep content.

….

_Rose was consumed, so consumed with power and fire and potential that her very existence seemed to float through the air and space. She was everywhere at all times…..she had the potential to do anything she wanted. _

_"__Rose, you've done it. Now stop. Just let go" It was John's voice and when she looked at him, he looked fearful. _

_"__How can I let go of this? I bring life…." Rose said. And she did…..somehow she could manipulate the atoms around her, force them to do her will. She could bring life….she could kill. _

_John looked petrified as he stared at her. But why? She'd done it for him. "But this is wrong! You can't control life and death!" he said. _

_"__But I can. The sun and the moon... the day and night. But why do they hurt...?" Rose asked. The growing, burning pain inside her head was becoming an inferno, and inferno to consume every part of her and it hurt terribly. _

_John looked sorrowful, almost as if he might cry. "The power's gonna kill you and it's my fault."_

_"__I can see everything._ _All that is... all that was... all that ever could be." Rose said. She could; she could see the whole of space and time. Everything that was and is was in her head to see; life, death, birth, love, hate…..so much of it. It was too much. _

_John jumped up from the floor, suddenly a smile on his face as he looked at her. "That's what I see. All the time. And doesn't it drive you mad?"_

_"__My head…" suddenly Rose felt afraid of the potential she wielded and what it could mean. She didn't want it any longer. _

_"__Come here" John said, smiling as he held out his arms. _

_"__It's killing me….." Rose said as she moved toward John. He could fix it, somehow he could fix it all. _

_"__I think you need a Doctor" John said, a look of happiness crossing over his face and Rose knew that he was going to make this better. He could fix it all. _

_As the small space closed between them, John leaned in and pressed his lips against Rose's. She could feel the fire and rage and power in her head slip away and then there was nothing….._

All Rose was aware of at first when she woke up was the pounding in her head. She sat up in bed, her eyes clenched shut as she waited for the waves of pain to roll off. Stabbing, white hot knives of pain shot through her head at all angles and she wasn't sure how she hadn't passed out from the agony of it yet. She clamped her hands on her head, wishing and praying that the pain would stop.

When the pain had subsided enough that Rose could become of aware of something other than it, she opened her eyes, feeling something warm running down her face. She was alarmed to see dots of blood splattering her blanket from her now freely bleeding nose. Rose clamped a hand over her nose and walked as quickly as she could in her pain toward the bathroom. Rose moved her hand away from her nose when she reached the sink, trying not to look too hard at the crimson dots everywhere. Feeling a terrible wave of pain, Rose clamped her eyes shut and tried to wait it out.

Rose had never had a dream like the one that she had just experienced. It didn't feel at all like a dream, it felt completely real. She had had dreams in the past that seemed real when you were in them; everyone did. But this was different; she was there, she was certain of it. It couldn't be true; she was sure that if she had ever wielded the power to bring life and death, John would have told her that. She wanted to ask him about it but even in her head it sounded ridiculous. Though it was completely unbelievable, as hard to take for truth as magic, she felt certain something about that dream was real. The bright light in it was just like the light she kept seeing in her dreams and somehow _felt _like the warmth she felt when she opened her mind to John's. She didn't know how one could feel light but that was exactly how it felt to her. The experience, so unbelievable, shook her.

"Rose…..what's wrong?"

Rose turned and saw Jackie standing in the doorway of the bathroom, squinting at the light. "I've just got a nosebleed" Rose said, trying to brush off the incident. When she saw how much blood was in the sink, though, it seemed unlikely she'd be able to convince Jackie it was harmless.

"Rose….you're white as a sheet" Jackie said, looking alarmed. She grabbed a handful of tissues and used them to pinch Rose's nose to stop the flow of blood. Normally, Rose would have pushed her away and insisted on taking care of it herself but right now she was too tired to do it.

"You've got another headache, don't you?" Jackie asked knowingly. She looked worried and Rose hated it; she hated everyone worrying and she hated them having to cause them to worry even more.

"When don't I have a headache?" Rose asked tiredly, her head throbbing. She wished desperately that John was there so he could do his odd but miraculous mind trick that made her headaches stop.

When Rose's nose stopped bleeding, Jackie dug out a bottle and handed Rose some tablets. Rose swallowed them quickly, hoping they'd help but knowing that they probably wouldn't.

"Are you alright?" Jackie asked, worry in her tone. "And before you say yes, I'm just going to say I think you're hiding how bad you feel"

"Mum….I know you're worried about me" Rose said understandingly. "But there isn't anything that can be done right?"

"You still don't have to hide things from me" Jackie said.

"What? You want me to whine about my head aching all the time and telling you I'm having nightmares?" Rose asked "You can't really fix it, so why complain?"

"You tell John" Jackie said. It wasn't a questions; she knew it was true. Rose didn't want to explain why it was true. She had never told Jackie about the memory techniques that John used on her and that's why she told him. It was strange and she knew her Mum wouldn't understand.

"That's different" Rose insisted. "Listen, I'm sorry. If you want me to tell you, I'll tell you okay?"

Jackie looked only slightly relieved. "Okay" she relented. "Ready to head back to bed?"

"Yeah" Rose said, following Jackie out of the bathroom even though she knew that sleep would now be impossible.

…

This was not good; that much the Doctor knew. This was supremely, terribly, very not good. While he had reservations about not using telepathic means to help Rose gain her memory back, that was solely because he was afraid that it might hurt her. He never expected that through that brief time inside each other's minds it would start to create a telepathic bond between them. But that was exactly what was happening and he didn't know if he could stop it. Actually, he was terrified because he was sure that he couldn't stop it.

As the Doctor paced around the TARDIS console, he could feel her trying to console him; he was thankful for the consolations but it did little to quiet the turmoil inside him.

Yesterday had been fantastic; while he had not exactly enjoyed the seemingly endless hours of thinking up fake travel experiences to tell Rose's relatives, even that hadn't been as bad as he thought it would be. Rose had looked so beautiful and her face was alight with life and happiness all night; just watching her like that, the way he so enjoyed, made all of it worth it. When she had challenged him to dance, he hadn't hesitated in pulling her into his arms. He'd wanted to all night; it was the only thing that he really wanted from the party to begin with. Somehow along the way he had made the decision to kiss her and he would have if Jackie hadn't interrupted with her terrible timing. While he had thought about kissing Rose before, more times that he would admit, he had never felt the things that he had felt last night. The consuming, burning need to hold Rose; to feel as much of her skin as he could, to feel her lips against his own. It was like he was boiling inside; she was burning inside him. It wasn't decent; it wasn't time lord. He had always had excellent self-control but now that seemed to be abandoning him. He was giving into bodily urges that he hadn't given into in decades, centuries even. And he knew the reason. It only made sense that when a telepathic connection was made, a physical one often accompanied it.

_Rose…_

After the party, the Doctor had returned to the TARDIS to try to seek sleep, his mind aching in a way that he hadn't felt in far, far too long. Eventually he had fallen asleep but his dreams were not pleasant. Over and over again he had dreamed of that day on Satellite 5, the one that had caused all of this. He saw Rose alight in yellow energy with the power of god. He saw her destroy an entire race of Daleks in a mere second then look at him as the fear of it overtook him. He relived the terror and worry he had felt after he had pulled the time vortex from her head and she wouldn't wake. When he had woken up, his mind had ached and felt like it was searching for something. He'd tried to reach out for the TARDIS' consciousness to soothe his soul but she had held back.

_I'm not what you need, _The TARDIS said into his mind with the hint of a smile.

_What do you mean? Of course I need you, _The Doctor argued.

_No….I mean, your mind is aching for a different reason. You need another connection, _she responded, obviously very pleased about this arraignment.

_No, I don't, _The Doctor tried to argue, _She's human…..doesn't work that way_

_You don't want it to work that way. But even you said she was really good at connecting with you. She touched your mind on her own. She can do this…you're just scared, _The TARDIS said.

That was the problem; the Doctor knew Rose was capable of it and it terrified him. When he had entered her mind it was solely on the basis of helping her gain her memory and now he felt like _he _needed it. It wasn't the same thing as a complete telepathic bond but he knew the potential was there. He was afraid, in this frame of mind, that if they connected today he might not be able to hold back. While Rose had been pretty easy going about the telepathy and hadn't asked many questions, if they melded completely and she could see what was really in his head, he would be answering more questions than he possibly could.

He should keep his distance; if Rose wanted to work on her memory today he knew he wouldn't say no. But even so, he didn't want to stay in the TARDIS without her.

_You're losing it…you've gone completely mental over this human girl, _The Doctor tried to chide himself and even though it was true, he couldn't do anything about it.

It was evening by the time the Doctor had given in and left the TARDIS. The early winter evening had already turned the sky a deep black and a heavy, bitter cold rain was falling heavily. He ran quickly toward the building, glad for the warmth as he climbed the steps two at a time to get to Rose's flat.

He knocked on the door, feeling the persistent nag in his head increase when the door opened a moment later.

"John…..hi" Rose said shyly, smiling at him. "I….I didn't think you were coming today"

Rose ran a hand through her hair and tugged her hoodie, looking at John a bit apologetically as if her appearance was something to apologize about. She had the tousled and completely adorable look she often had mornings in the TARDIS when he ran into her in the corridors and it was absolutely nothing to be sorry for. The Doctor felt himself begin to sweat; now that Rose was in front of him, it was hard to ignore his mind's reaching out toward Rose's.

"Oh…..well, I just had some things to get done" The Doctor said smiling. "But I'm here now. Hope I'm not disturbing anything?"

Rose laughed, looking down at her casual appearance. "You're not interrupting anything." She said, stepping aside so he could walk into the flat. The telly was on, droning some silly human sitcom and Rose turned it off before sitting down on the couch next to the Doctor. He looked around, aware of the now complete silence of the flat now only broken by the tapping of the rain.

"Mum's not here, you don't have to worry about her popping out and slapping you" Rose said with a laugh.

"Well, that's a good thing" The Doctor said in humor. "I'm still reeling from her wrath the other night when I brought you home."

Rose gave a small wince. "She was pretty mad?" she asked.

The Doctor shrugged. "She wasn't mad per se…..she was more worried. She worries about you a lot" he said. He rubbed his head, wishing the feeling would go away. He longed to go back to the days where he could talk freely to Rose, not that he would have been able to speak freely about the telepathic connection.

The Doctor tried not to read too much into the fact that Rose was rubbing her head in exactly the same way as he was but even so he still felt guilty. If Rose was feeling the need to connect telepathically like he was, she wouldn't even know about it.

"Would you like some tea?" Rose asked suddenly, her hands fidgeting as if she didn't know what to do with them.

"No…..that's okay" The Doctor said. He kept trying to force himself to think of something else, anything else but it wasn't that easy to do. He was staring into the ample amount of candles Rose had lit when the power flickered and went out. _Well…..that's just great…._

"Power's been going out all day" Rose said, "I just decided to leave the candles all on. The streets are going to be ice by tonight. Hope you didn't have much trouble getting here."

The Doctor smiled. "I didn't have any trouble at all. I'm sure I'll be fine" He said. He couldn't wait for the time that he could start speaking freely about the TARDIS and everything about time traveling.

"Well…..that's good" Rose said. She shifted in her seat, rubbing her head again. She looked as uncomfortable as the Doctor felt himself. Since they had nearly kissed the last time they saw each other, he wasn't surprised. And if she was feeling anything close to what he was, he was even less surprised.

"Can we work on my memory?" Rose blurted out suddenly. There had been several long uncomfortable minutes of silence and it appeared that Rose simply couldn't take it anymore. When he stared at her, she looked uncomfortable and laughed nervously. "Sorry…..I didn't mean to push."

The Doctor's stomach squirmed. "Are you sure that you don't want to wait a little longer? Take a break after what happened the other night?" he suggested. His heart wasn't really in it and Rose could tell.

"No…..I'm fine" she said quickly. "Honestly, I'm one hundred percent completely fine. I just really need this"

"You do?" The Doctor asked anxiously. He was being selfish, he knew; making a connection so soon after Rose's incident could hurt her. But he felt his own selfish needs creeping in.

Rose smiled; it was hard to tell in the shadow of the candle light but the Doctor was sure that she blushed. "I mean…..what I mean is….." she stuttered over her words.

The Doctor scooted over to her closer on the couch, taking her hands. "It's okay, Rose. Relax…it's alright" she said.

Rose looked relieved. "It is? Good…..I thought maybe something was wrong with me" she said.

"Oh, Rose….there's nothing wrong with you" The Doctor assured her. Rose bit her lip in response and it was nearly his undoing. How did humans get around with all of these _feelings? _

"Oh…..good" Rose said with a small laugh. "Sometimes I feel like I'm going mental"

"I know it's probably maddening" The Doctor said, giving her hand a squeeze. "But you're not going mental. If anything, you're probably getting closer to finding your memories"

Rose sat sideways on the couch, tucking her feet underneath her, looking excited. "Really? You think so?" she asked.

"Yeah, I really do. Last time, you were right there" The Doctor said. He slipped off his leather jacket because the room seemed unbearably warm and sat across from Rose, his legs touching hers. The small bit of contact was enough to make him wish that the lights would come back on and make things a little more normal.

"I sure hope so. These dreams and nightmares are really starting to bother me" Rose said, rubbing her head yet again.

"Is it hurting now?" The Doctor asked, putting his hands on Rose's temples and rubbing gently. He could feel her consciousness so close to the surface that he could hardly resist reaching out for it. He paid special attention to the task at hand so he could wait to reach out until Rose was ready.

Rose sighed, closing her eyes and leaning into his touch. "Not now" she said with a small smile. "Sometime you're really going to teach me how you do that" She teased.

The Doctor smiled. "Maybe sometime I will" he said, only stopping the massage because Rose's consciousness was getting to be too much.

Rose sighed when the Doctor pulled his hands back, looking lazily back at him. "Can I ask you something? It might seem a bit weird" she asked.

"Sure. I'm an expert in weird" The Doctor said with a smile.

"Well…."Rose started off, as if she was measuring her words. "I had this dream last night, only it didn't seem like a dream. It kind of seemed like a memory. But it couldn't have been because it was too weird"

The Doctor felt hope rise inside of him; if Rose was remembering things, they were all going to seem weird to her. "You can tell me. Couldn't be any weirder than some of the dreams I've had" he said good naturally.

"Okay…..well, don't laugh" Rose warned him.

The Doctor grabbed her hands again and squeezed them. "I solemnly promise not to laugh, Miss Tyler" he said in mock seriousness.

"Alright" Rose said, encouraged. "Well…..I had this dream that my head was full of that bright yellow light. It was like the same thing that happens in my dreams every night only it was worse. It was like my whole head was consumed with this energy and I could use it for everything. I could bring things back to life…..and I could….." she looked at him nervously "And I could kill things with it. It was like it was burning me alive. But then you…you took it away."

The Doctor could feel excitement welling up inside of him and he forced it down inside so Rose didn't see it. She had remembered what had happened at Satellite 5. Luckily, it didn't sound like she remembered the Daleks so he wouldn't have to explain anything uncomfortable but she had really remembered something. The Doctor couldn't wait to bond their minds now and see if she was indeed ready to breakthrough to her memories.

"It's stupid…..I knew it was just a silly dream" Rose said, interpreting his silence as awkwardness. "It just…..felt real"

"Was this dream really vivid?" The Doctor asked, avoiding answering her questions.

"Extremely" Rose said, looking a little pale. "Gave me a horrible headache and a bloody nose."

"That's good, Rose" The Doctor said, his excitement bursting out a little.

"It is?" she asked confused.

"Well, I meant the pain isn't good" The Doctor explained. "But I think this means you're getting really close to remembering"

"I am?" Rose said, catching the Doctor's excitement.

"I think so" the Doctor said. He lifted his hands toward her temples but didn't touch them yet. "Want to give it a try?"

Rose smiled. "Definitely" she agreed.

Eagerly but tentatively the Doctor placed his finger tips on Rose's temples. The bright, warm, sweet energy that he had come to associate with Rose's consciousness edged against his own for a moment before he plunged in head first. He was surrounded completely by Rose's mind, overwhelmed as he felt her consciousness slide through his own, warming parts of him that no mind had touched in a very long time. He let his mind linger for a moment, basking in the feeling of delight that came with connecting with Rose; it felt like it had been such a long time but it really had only been a few days. Suddenly and without any warning, Rose's consciousness pushed at his persistently. The Doctor could see Rose's memories very close to the surface of her mind. It was still obscured by the cloud but the Doctor could see cracks and openings through the cloud. He could _feel _her memories and it took his breath away.

"I'm sorry! Are you alright?" Rose asked in alarm as the Doctor gasped from the force of so much contact with Rose's mind. He could feel her pull back slightly and he lost connection with her. When he opened his eyes, she was looking at him like she had done something wrong.

"Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Rose asked in alarm.

The Doctor's took a deep breath to hide how hard his hearts were beating. "No….no you didn't do anything wrong at all" he said with a laugh. "That was…..fantastic"

"Oh" Rose said, looking relieved. "Well, I'm not sure what I did but I guess I'll try to do it again"

The Doctor put his hands back on Rose's head and concentrated. Though he was ready this time, he was still overwhelmed by the force of Rose's consciousness. Every time he had connected with her, her mind was so clouded and obscured by her memory loss. Now, though, most of that was ebbing away and he was beginning to see what Rose's mind really looked like. It was different, connecting with a human; the few times that he had done it with humans their minds were light and easy. But Rose's mind was just like he expected it might be. It was an ocean of warm, golden light; he could stay there forever.

"Wow…"

"What is it?" Rose asked.

The Doctor hadn't realized he had said it out loud and he was glad they had their eyes closed so that she couldn't see his embarrassment. "Your mind…it's so…..clear" he said. "Your memories are right there…..you are so close"

"I am?" Rose asked, her excitement evident. The Doctor could feel Rose's hands come to rest on his knees and his hearts beat erratically.

"Yeah" The Doctor said. "Try to focus…do you see the cloud that's in your mind?"

Rose paused. "Yeah…..yeah, I do" she said.

"Go toward the cracks" The Doctor said. "That's where your memories will come out."

He helped guide Rose toward the largest of the cracks in the cloud, pushing. The crack grew bigger and bigger and Rose gasped.

"Are you okay?" The Doctor asked. He didn't want to keep pushing if it was too much for her like it had been the one time he pushed too hard.

"Yeah, I'm fine" Rose said. "It's just…..it's like I can almost see my memories. Through the cracks…..I can see things moving" She reached out and grabbed his wrists, pulling the Doctor toward her so that his forehead touched her own. The connection that bristled between them became infinitely stronger. The Doctor paused; he was afraid if he kept going he might go too far. His hearts were hammering, every inch of his mind ached to connect with hers; the power of it scared him.

"Don't stop" Rose breathed, her voice trembling slightly, an ache present in it.

That voice made the Doctor nearly give up. "Maybe we should stop…..this is getting a bit intense" the Doctor tried to fight. His objections sounded weak even to himself.

"Please don't stop…" Rose breathed again. The Doctor could feel Rose's hot breath against his lips and before he could form any other kind of objection, Rose's mind pushed into his own without his leading.

The Doctor guided it as much as he could but the force of Rose's mind was so strong that it was difficult to guide. Rose pressed toward the weak spots in her mind with such force that the Doctor didn't know how Rose's mind didn't crack. He could see the breaks in her mind get bigger and bigger…..building until the Doctor felt his own mind burst forth. He had been trying to hold it back as much as he could knowing that Rose wouldn't be able to take it. But she pushed so hard that it came crashing down like a wave.

The Doctor heard a sharp intake of breath and the Doctor instantly opened his eyes. Rose's were less than an inch from his own, both their labored breaths mixing together.

"What was that?" Rose asked. She didn't sound hurt or scared; she sounded in awe.

"What?" The Doctor asked, knowing full well she had seen part of his mind. He just didn't know how bad it might be, how much she might have seen.

"I…..I don't know…..it's hard to explain" Rose said breathless. "I was getting close to my memories, so close and then I felt…..you. I don't know how but I could tell it was you"

"Sorry" The Doctor said reflexively. They were supposed to be in her head, focusing solely on her memories not getting lost in his.

"It's okay" Rose said. Her hands wrapped around the back of his head, her thumbs remaining on his temples and putting gentle pressure there; it was the closest they had ever been. His forehead felt molded to hers, his nose touching hers; if he moved just the slightest bit he could kiss her…

"Maybe we should stop" The Doctor said again. If this kept on he wasn't sure what was going to happen. He was lost in the sensation of Rose's mind so present to his own, the feel of her skin on his…..it was intoxicating.

"Can we just go once more?" Rose asked, her tone verging on begging. "I think I'm almost there"

"Yeah…..we can go once more" The Doctor said. When it came to Rose, he never could say no. If she ever realized this about him, she would be able to get whatever she wanted from him.

The Doctor put his hands back in place, Rose's hands firmly planted on the back of his head so that he couldn't move. The Doctor put up a mental wall to keep his own memories from spilling out; that had been a close call but he didn't want to get any closer than that this time. Forcing his mind to be calm, he focused solely on Rose's. Her mind needed very little actual guiding this time. Mostly of her own accord, Rose moved toward the bristling yellow cloud that obscured her memories. She pushed and pushed; the Doctor could feel the strain on her mind was heavy. But she was determined; she pushed the cracks until they began to form other cracks. Colors and flashes of bright memories began to shine through the darkness and still Rose pushed. He could feel her agony in his head, hear her gasping but still she kept going, gaining speed and pressure until….

"Dammit!" Rose exclaimed, her voice full of hurt and frustration. The connection between her and the Doctor instantly stopped as Rose's mind pulled away. She didn't move physically, she still clung to him; she was even closer if that was somehow possible. The power in the flat came back on and the Doctor could see Rose's face, a mere inch from his, clearly. She was pale and her eyes looked close to tears. She was clearly frustrated that she couldn't keep doing.

"My head…I was so close….this stupid headache" Rose chided herself. The Doctor could feel her pain rolling off of her in waves and he wasn't surprised when a tear rolled down her face. She had pushed entirely too hard.

The Doctor didn't waste any time in massaging her temples, letting his calming, cool wave heal her aching mind. Rose's hands clung to his head, running along his short hair; skimming his ears and making him suppress a sigh. Rose's pain was severe and it took several minutes before it began to ebb away. It broke the Doctor's hearts when he heard a small sniffle.

"I was so close….."Rose bemoaned, her head lolling to the side as she became like putty under his mind massage. The Doctor hated the defeat in her tone.

"You were close, so very close" he said, his voice sounding loud now that he was surrounded by her consciousness. "That's nothing to be sad about, though. You should be happy. You're almost there"

"I don't want to be almost there" Rose complained. "I just want to remember already"

"Why? I thought we established it was alright not to remember right this second?" The Doctor asked gently. "Why is it so important that you remember right now? You could really hurt yourself"

When the Doctor looked fully at Rose, he was alarmed to see the look of sorrow on her face. "Because I want to remember you" she said, her voice broken by a dry sob. "I want to remember what we were"

The Doctor's hearts broke at the sadness in her voice. Putting his hands on her cheeks and framing her face he looked into her eyes. "Why? You'll get there but right now we're alright too, aren't we?" he asked calmly.

"Something's not right" Rose said sorrowfully. "I know it's not right. I can feel there's something here you're not telling me"

The Doctor felt dread hitting him; maybe it was finally time. He was wondering how long he'd be able to hide the truth from her without her finding out. Maybe she had finally sensed that basically everything he was telling her was a lie. "Like what?" The Doctor asked as innocently as he possibly could.

Rose seemed to soften. "I know you said weren't…that we never…" she started.

The Doctor could sense where this was going and he didn't know if he wanted to run towards it or run away. "I said we never what?" he prodded in a whisper.

Rose's eyes bore into his with such ferocity and passion that they looked black. "I know you said we didn't…I just can't believe we never….."She stared.

But whatever she was going to say was lost the next moment when she closed the small space between them and pressed her lips against his. It was tentative at first; her lips just barely brushing against his as if unsure if she should be doing it. The moment that the Doctor moved his lips against hers, she took it as the only cue she needed. The gentle press of her lips became rough, pushing against his as she held his head firmly. The Doctor's hearts were beating out of tune and without a second thought he moved his lips to match the quick motion of hers.

The Doctor had thought about this moment more times than he cared to admit; what it would be like to kiss Rose Tyler. While he had had some extravagant expectations, none of them lived up to what it was really like to have a warm, breathing Rose in his arms, pressing her lips against his as if she couldn't get enough of him. The Doctor's hands knotted into Rose's hair as her tongue traced along his lower lip; Rose's hair was just as soft and silky as it looked and he shamelessly ran his fingers through it, pausing every now and then as his fingers got caught in places, tugging. Rose's tongue moved along the length of his bottom lip before she began to tease the space between his lips. Feeling his limps tremble and heat rush to his lower belly, he opened his mouth, wasting no time in consuming Rose's mouth with his own. Her tongue was soft and smooth, a strange contrast against his own rough one. Rose's tongue moved along his own, exploring all of it before the Doctor tangled it around his own, pressing deeper into her mouth.

The Doctor didn't do things like this; not ever. The mental connection that they had shared was still heavy in his hearts and it was turning into a need to be closer, to feel more of Rose. His hands moved from Rose's hair and down her back, tugging her sweatshirt up and pressing his hands against the burning skin of her back. _More…more…_That's all he could think as he dug his fingers into the skin along Rose's back. It seemed to be enough coaxing that Rose used her pull on the back of his neck to slide into his lap. She was a fire and she was consuming him completely. He was almost glad when she pulled back for air and he was forced to think.

When Rose pulled back, they were both gasping for air. Rose's face was red, her hair deliciously tousled as she looked back at him with the biggest smile he had ever seen on her beautiful face. "What I meant to say….was I couldn't believe we never did that before" she said breathlessly.

The Doctor laughed, breathing heavily. "I can honestly say we never did that" he said. "But believe me…..there were so many times that I wanted to"

Rose laughed, a smile of satisfaction on her face. "Really?" she asked.

"Really" the Doctor said sincerely. It was him this time that initiated the kiss. It took no effort at all to resume exactly where they had left off; they started off with open mouths that battled against each other's in the best ways. Every time Rose moved her tongue against his, she moved her hips with it; from her position on his lap, it was quickly making him delightfully uncomfortable. His fingers alternated between running through her tresses and sliding up the back of her shirt to feel her skin against his but the small amount of skin to skin contact was nearly driving him crazy. Rather than making things better, it only made him want more. Rose's fingers ran along his temples, a sensation of electricity running through him at the potential mental connection; a moan escaped his lips and into Rose's mouth as she ran over his temples and around his ears. Blasted, big sensitive ears…he could feel the sensation of Rose's fingers stroking along his ears all the way down to his toes. He was aware he was making too many embarrassing noises but he didn't care. When he finally pulled his mouth away from Rose's and moved to her neck, he was rewarded with a delightful moan from her. His lips traced along her skin, searching until he found the point where he could feel her single heartbeat against her neck. When he lips closed around the spot and began to pull, Rose's hands gripped the back of his jumper in fistfuls.

Rose's skin tasted sweet, like nectar but burned with the heat of her rapidly increasingly temperature. Humans were funny creatures; arousal triggered waves of hormones to spill into their blood and Rose was no exception. He could smell her arousal as thick in his nose as if it was the only scent in the world and it did nothing but spurn him on. He pulled and tugged on the pulse point on Rose's neck, enjoying the throb of it against his tongue before he kissed along the length of her neck. Reaching her shoulder, he tugged her shirt down to claim a spot. The Doctor's hearts stopped beating completely when she broke the contact to pull the sweatshirt over her head and off.

_Skin….so much skin…_The Doctor put his arms around Rose and pulled her as close to him as he could, rubbing his hands along her back, never getting enough of the silkiness of it against his rough hands. Not wanting to rush things too much but feeling a consuming need inside of him, the Doctor put his hand on Rose's shoulder, pushing her bra strap out of the way to kiss the spot. He felt Rose's lips find their way to his own neck.

"Rose….." he gasped out, as if trying to convince himself she was really here and this was really happening.

"John…" Rose whispered against his ear and it was a sobering reminder that part of this was a lie. A lot of this was a lie. He put his hands on Rose's face and pulled her mouth back to his, drowning out the feeling of wrongness the name gave him.

"WHAT DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

As wonderful as the moment had started, it was over just as quickly when Jackie entered the flat. Rose jumped off of the Doctor's lap faster than he had ever seen her move, scooping her discarded shirt off of the floor. The thick wave of hormones and stunted judgment that was swirling in the Doctor's head quickly dissipated when he saw the look of pure fury on Jackie's face, all directed at him.

"What are you doing?" Jackie demanded, her face turning redder and redder by the second until the Doctor thought she was going to explode.

"Mum…it's not-"Rose started to argue in his place, but since she was still struggling to get her top back on she didn't make a very good argument. He could feel waves of anxiety and disappointment rolling off of her heavily.

"Rose, I think you'd better go to your room" Jackie said, her voice quietly dangerous, looking at Rose severely.

Rose looked at the Doctor in apology. "But Mum-"she started, looking desperate.

"Go, Rose" Jackie said through clenched teeth, making her point unarguable. "You are not too big to slap and right now I don't think you want to push me"

Rose's face paled slightly as she got off of the couch and walked toward her room, giving the Doctor a worried glance as she left.

The Doctor made a big show of putting his jacket back on, hoping Jackie would calm but when he turned around he was dismayed to see Jackie glaring at him with more malice than he had ever seen on her face; it was even worse than when he had brought her home a year too late.

Jackie opened the front door expectantly. "Out here…..now" she said firmly.

Not quite sure why, the Doctor followed Jackie out into the hallway, trying to hide the smile that was trying to burst from his face; he could still taste Rose on his lips.

….

Rose's heart was still hammering her chest when she returned to her room. She knew she should feel apprehensive; she did a little bit. Jackie really did look furious and while she was sure that she was in for a tongue lashing, she couldn't be upset.

What she had shared with John just now was something she hadn't expected at all. When he had arrived, she had been apprehensive to ask him about working on her memory. She was afraid that he might say no after her fainting spell. But she noticed he looked nervous too and she figured it couldn't hurt to ask. It had been so intense this time around, much more intense than any other time that they had tried. She knew she was just on the verge of her memories. It was like she could _feel _them at the back of her mind, close enough to touch. But it was also like she could feel something else there that wasn't her. It was like she could feel John too. She could feel a sense of something bright and burning and completely not her. She could feel a sense of bursting emotions toward her; it was like she could feel _love. _She couldn't believe that she and John had never been together as more than friends. Though she couldn't explain how she felt it, she could just feel it wasn't right.

But when they had finally kissed, she could tell they hadn't. It was fast and passionate and full of tension and unspoken things; John was right in saying they had never shared anything like that, she knew. She couldn't exactly be upset that her Mum had come in then; she knew they were getting carried away and she wasn't sure she would have stopped.

Rose opened her door a crack, listening for the inevitable yelling Jackie would no doubt give John. But when she didn't hear yelling, or even any voices, Rose slipped out of her room and found the living room empty. Confused, she looked around, sure that even if she had sent John away, her Mum would being making her presence known. When she walked toward the front door she heard muffled voices in argument and Rose pressed her ear to the door, shamelessly eavesdropping.

"-can't believe you" Jackie was saying exasperatedly to John.

"What? What did I do to you?" John asked in frustration.

"I send her back to you, sure she'll die in the process and this is how you repay me? After what you did to her, this is what you do" Jackie said indignantly.

"I didn't do anything to her! I was trying to save her by sending her away, you know that "John said

Rose was confused; what were they talking about? Why would John have sent her away? Did it have something to do with the accident?

"Yeah, I suppose" Jackie said skeptically. "But after she lost her memory, you acted like you'd take care of her, protect her. Not take advantage of her!"

"I was not taking advantage of her!" John countered, his voice rising several octaves.

"Really? Shagging her on the couch isn't taking advantage of her?"

"We weren't-"John started but got cut off.

"Well, then you can explain exactly what would have happened if I had not shown up?" Jackie asked.

There was a long pause and Rose cringed internally at the thought of answering. She knew exactly how it looked and what would have happened if Jackie hadn't shown up. She pressed her ear harder to the door to hear John's response.

"I wasn't taking advantage of her" John said finally, avoiding the question. "I love her"

Rose felt everything stop around her as if she was suspended in motion. John loved her? She'd heard those words spoken to her before and they hadn't been real. But John's tone, his sincerity was enough to tell her that he really meant it. It was everything she could do not to pull open the door right then.

"Oh, you're going to play it that way?" Jackie asked skeptically.

"I'm not playing anything" John said defensively. "I love Rose…..I love her like I've never loved anyone else before. Did you think it was just a coincidence that I chose Rose to travel with me? Because it wasn't…we met completely by accident that day because of the Autons but I tried to fight it. I didn't want a human around but I just couldn't get her off my mind. She's beautiful, she's funny, she's smart…..everything you love about her is what I love about her too"

Rose was torn between happiness hearing John speak the truth about how he felt about her and confusion. What were Autons? And why did he say he didn't want a human around, like he wasn't human? Maybe he'd taken his notions of alien life too strong.

Jackie didn't say anything so John continued. "You can think whatever you want, Jackie. You can be mad at me, whatever…..it's not going the change the fact that I love her. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't. I would have taken her memory loss as a way out. You know she loves me too…..she wouldn't have ripped the TARDIS apart to get to me if she hadn't."

"I know" Jackie said finally, her voice tearful. "But this isn't right…Doctor, all this lying to her isn't right"

Rose felt her stomach drop. Lying? Were the two of her lying to her? She wouldn't even know if they were. And why was her mum calling him Doctor?

"I know it's not" John said. "But what are we supposed to tell her? Can't tell her who I really am? Wouldn't you be terrified if you woke up without two years of your memory and someone introduced themselves as your time traveling alien friend?"

"I know, I know" Jackie protested. "But you pretending to be someone else…..maybe you shouldn't even be here. What's she going to think when she realizes you've been lying to her the whole time when her memories finally come back?"

"They might never come back without my help" John protested. "I'm not leaving"

"You should! Don't you think you've done enough damage?"

Rose couldn't take it anymore; she wrenched the door open, interrupting the conversation. Jackie and John turned to look at her, shock and worry on their faces; she knew it was written all over her face that she had heard every word that had been said. She wanted to yell, wanted to scream at them and be angry. Her head hurt as it swirled with the reality that they had been lying to her this whole time. The past and her world now that she had been building up slowly were crashing down around and it made her fearful of everything. She wanted to show anger but all she could manage was hurt.

"Rose…." John started, his face full of worry. She didn't care; she didn't even know who he was anymore.

"No…..don't" Rose said, her voice trembling. "Just don't…."

All thoughts of dramatically storming off were shattered as all Rose could manage was to run away, hiding her tears behind her hand.


End file.
